How to drive like an asshole

This guide is meant to teach you techniques for driving from one destination to another quickly and safely. It is NOT meant to teach you "stunt driving" or how to break the law. It is meant to teach you how to identify other drivers as fast or slow in order to assist you in getting to your destination in a timely manner. Remember: speeding is illegal for a reason! Going over the speed limit can kill you, kill someone else, cause damage to personal property, or get you a traffic ticket. Follow these tips at your own risk!

Let's start with how to identify fast and slow drivers when approaching a stop light.

1. Type of car. Sports cars and convertibles will almost always be willing to hit the gas faster than other cars. They are lighter (use less gas to get going fast) and are typically owned by people who like speed. Pickup trucks and vans are always more likely to go below the speed limit and to accelerate slowly. Their cars use more gas and the drivers who own them typically don't care for fast driving. "Gunboat" cars like Lincoln and Cadillac are also typically owned by older drivers (see #3) who drive slower.
   
2. Age of car. This can go both ways… people usually don't care about old cars quite as much as they do new cars, so they're inclined to drive faster. Of course, older cars typically can't get up to high speeds quite as easily as their newer counterparts. If you see dealer license plates on the car, look at what year the car was made. If it's brand new, they will probably be driving the speed limit (who wants to wreck a brand new car?). If it's a new used car, they will be more inclined to drive it faster for the same reason that people with old cars will drive them faster.
   
3. Age of the driver. It is a universally known fact that old people drive slow ("I know you were born in '22, but that doesn't mean you have to DRIVE 22!"). Young drivers who just recently acquired their licenses are always more likely to drive over the limit. Be careful though! They are often more inexperienced and more likely to try and race you and not let you pass.
   
4. Color of the car. As my dad says "old people drive bandaid colored cars" - and we all know how old people drive. People who drive cars that are bright colors are more prone to drive fast. Don't believe me? Ask an insurance agent. The color of your car can cost you more than 50 dollars per month (depending on the model) because those who drive bright red sports cars are more likely to drive fast and damage their vehicle than say, someone who drives a white minivan.
   
5. Lane switchers. People who switch lanes are often trying to get to their destination quickly also. If you are the third person in line at a two lane traffic light and the person directly in front of you switches to the other (vacant) lane, there is a good chance that they did this so they can quickly get around the person directly in front of them. Switching lanes to follow this person will likely get you to your destination faster and allow you to pass the slow driver who is now directly in front of you.
   
6. Hard brakers. When you approach a light with several other cars, the cars who slam on the breaks at the last second are more likely to accelerate quickly also. Those who slowly slow down as they approach the traffic light are more likely to accelerate slowly also.
   
7. Vanity plates. Drivers who have customized license plates are always more likely to drive more aggressively. They see their car as an extension of their personality - and nobody wants their personality to be bested. An exception to this is a monogram license plate (one with the driver's initials on it). These are almost exclusively owned by gun-boat/old drivers (see #1 and #3)
   
8. Race of the driver. As much as I hate to bring race into the equation, it often plays out. White people (in America) are far more likely to be aggressive drivers than blacks, latinos, or asians.
   
9. Sex of the driver. Men are FAR more likely to have a lead foot than women - that's not to say that there aren't exceptions (young women often drive faster than middle aged men), but for the most part, men drive faster and more aggressively.

• When approaching a stoplight it is always important to be in the faster of the two lanes - preferably you will be the first person in line. If you're not the first person in line, get behind the person who you think will be the fastest so that you can quickly get around the slower drivers.
  
• Because there is a higher risk of accident when speeding, it is important to make sure you ALWAYS check your mirrors and actually turn your head and look to see if there is a car in your rear blind spot. There's nothing worse than spinning out because you unintentionally forced the car behind you to do a PIT maneuver (Precision Immobilization Technique) on you.
  
• Make sure you ALWAYS use your turn signals well before you've switched lanes. If you're rounding a corner, use your indicator before you start slowing down - not while you're slowing down and not just before you begin turning. Do it BEFORE you slow so that other drivers know to get out of your lane to get around you.
  
• If you're on the highway and you are NOT the fastest driver, move into the middle or right lane (assuming it's a 2 or 3 lane highway). The left-most lane is universally considered the passing lane or the "fast lane." If you're in the fast lane going slowly you are forcing other people to break the law (passing you on the right) and you will probably be the recipient of several rude gestures. Note: In some states it is actually illegal to stay in the passing lane. You're only allowed to use it to pass another driver.
  
• Beware of drivers who break traffic laws (not using their turn signals, passing on the right, talking on the phone while driving (even if it's not illegal where you live), or any other bad driving practices). These are people to avoid and often people who don't pay attention while driving. To avoid accidents, you should drive as though all the other drivers on the road are purposely trying to hit you. Many people act as though driving is secondary to what they're already trying to do - whether it's sending a text, talking on the phone, eating, talking to the person next to them, shaving, reading a book, switching CDs or whatever (especially in America). If you're speeding, you can not afford to be doing something else at the same time. Give the road your full attention.
  
• When approaching a green light, look at the crosswalk signals going the same direction as you. If they are flashing red, the light will probably change from green to yellow very soon. Be careful if there is someone in front of you (especially if you are tailgating) - while you may try to go through the light, they might decide it's better to stop. If you rear-end them it IS your fault no matter what. Your traffic ticket will read "failure to maintain a safe distance"
  
• If you DO end up getting pulled over for a traffic violation DO NOT make up excuses. Police hate being lied to just as much as you and I do. And trust me, they have heard every excuse in the book at least a dozen times. They are much more likely to respond to an honest admission of defeat than they are an argumentative excuse. They target people who break the law. Everyone speeds whether they're black, white, young, old, rich, or poor. Police do no target specific kinds of cars, drivers, or anything like that.