So... apparently I'm crazy.

[Bong McPuffin]

So some shit pops off with my parents today and I tell them I'm sick of them putting me through this shitty existence without any help or support and homelessness is an ever increasing threat to me as my parents get older and older and subsequently more and more useless.

I tell them all I want to do is be normal, start my own business, maybe get a girlfriend and possibly start a family some day. This dream is too much for them to handle, and apparently it makes me a huge asshole. So I tell them I'm sick of their shit, their lazy attitude towards life, the fact that they do NOTHING around the house except talk a lot of shit. My dad is a lazy foul-mouthed asshole redneck and my mom is a strung-out alcoholic cunt of a human being. They do absolutely nothing but talk shit about all 3 of their kids.

My sister is a raving mad lunatic whose on crazy pills. Shes been ordered by the court to not drink or do drugs, and THE VERY NEXT DAY she was out partying and getting hammered and doing drugs.

When she drinks, the alcohol mixes with her crazy pills and she just short circuits. There is a seriously something broken in her head. One time, I had to save her baby from her because she was hammered and blacked out drunk and was SUPER pissed off about something... anyways, I take her baby from her so she can't put her in the car and drive and potentially kill her 4 month old baby. She FUCKING SNAPS... if you've ever seen Dawn of the Dead, she was acting like one of those kinds of zombies. She was trying to bite a chunk of my leg out and I had her pinned to the ground by her hair with one arm and keeping her baby away from her with the other arm. My parents are on the other side of the door and I'm calling for help, literally screaming and crying trying to get some help so I don't have to hit her or worse kill her to get her to stop from taking a chunk out of my leg.... do they help? Of course not. They just talk more shit.

My sister is the source of 95% of this families misery and my parents REFUSE to get rid of her... no matter how bad she is. In the meantime, my fucking psyche is wearing down day after day after day after day after day of living on egg shells. The slightest mis-step, misspoken word, or a slight breeze can set my sister off and BAM, right back into WW3. My sister has been putting us through this shit longer than Hitler put the Jews through their shit... they managed to rally up an entire army of MILLIONS of people, get them trained, organized, shipped across the ocean, and fought an entire WORLD WAR from start to finish in a shorter amount of time than my parents can solve this problem with my sister. I'd rather fight a nazi or a jap than my sister... I can kill the nazi or jap and be done with that problem once and for all and then I go home and I'm treated like a hero... but if I remove one miserable cunt from this world, even if EVERYONE agrees that it would be a good move, I still go to prison for 25-to-life.

So anyways, my family is totally fucked up, I live with a zombie that can snap at any second, she steals my shit then GETS MAD AT ME FOR CATCHING HER, my brother has roid-rage like you wouldn't believe, my dad is a sad sack of shit, and my mom is a strung out alcoholic bitch. My question is... why haven't I fucking killed all of them yet and burnt the house to the ground? Its the only solution that is both permanent and 100% effective.

So, rewind about 2 hours ago, I'm threatening to off myself by cutting my femoral arteries in my legs and bleeding out... none of that wrist slashing sissy shit for me... I'm cutting the main fucking veins down there and letting gravity drain the blood out of me. So my dad calls the police on me and they take me to the psyche ward at the local hospital. I basically bullshitted my way through the system and they discharged me on the condition I go see a shrink tomorrow.

I try to start up a business and everyone basically shits on my work area and no one gives a fuck that I'm trying to do something worthwhile with my life... basically, since they are complete failures at life they want me to be one as well.

My parents sabotage any and all attempts at me becoming something and being respected.

I can't have any friends at all because my sister will tell them all sorts of fucked up shit thats not even remotely true... like how I'm a pedophile, a child molester, a thief, this that and the other thing... and my friends generally know its not true, but they always seem to have that "Well... what IF its true?" attitude... and that basically kills the friendship.

I can't have a girlfriend due to largely the same reasons... I would NEVER think about bringing another human being into my miserable existence. No matter what I try to do, they are there to sabotage me in all my attempts at trying to live life. I'm stuck in this poverty ridden shithole for the forseeable future. I'm basically like 1 stupid remark from snapping and killing everyone in the house... I'd gladly sit in prison for the next 25-75 years if it meant I'd have some peace of mind knowing that these miserable pieces of shit weren't out there making everyone they come into contact with just fucking miserable.

So anyways, I'm on suicide watch... got that shit on my record for life now.

Gotta go talk to the shrink tomorrow... I'm going to request a lobotomy... I'd rather be retarded and complacent than be smart, capable, and fully aware of the miserable shithole existence I'm living. If they won't give me a lobotomy, I'm going to request xanax and just black out all day every day... if I'm going to be miserable, I don't want my mind being present at all... I'd rather just clock out and let my body go on auto-pilot mode.

Next time though... I'm not going to give these motherfuckers the courtesy of a warning... I'm just going to walk in, guns blazing, kill every motherfucker in the house, shoot it out with the police, and if they fail to kill me, I'll kill myself. Fuck this world, fuck this shitty existence, fuck this country, fuck the government, fuck this forum, fuck all of you guys, fuck my life... just fuck it all. Seriously. Fuck it.

TL/DR: I'm crazy and suicidal and I might just murder my entire family by the time its all over.

[docus]

Just my 2 cents: It's pretty clear that your parents are holding you down. I'd advise you to get the fuck out of there and as far as possible. Physically distance yourself from the ones that are dragging you down, get a shitty minimum wage job to do it if you have to. And never be mad at yourself for repeating your parent's mistakes. You're taking steps to better yourself, they're not.

[Bong McPuffin]

Just my 2 cents: It's pretty clear that your parents are holding you down. I'd advise you to get the fuck out of there and as far as possible. Physically distance yourself from the ones that are dragging you down, get a shitty minimum wage job to do it if you have to. And never be mad at yourself for repeating your parent's mistakes. You're taking steps to better yourself, they're not.

My jaw literally hit my desk... I was expecting a lot of "DO IT YOU PUSSY!" kind of remarks, nothing really helpful. Thanks for proving me wrong!

I'd love to get a job and move on out and get a car and move to the opposite side of the continent from them... its just that I can't get a job. I put out over 100 applications and not one call back. I've sold drugs, but thats both risky and shitty money unless you're moving real weight... nickle and diming is a lot of hustling for virtually no gain.

Its really to the point where I'm going to go Compton on this city and fucking put in some work and rob a bunch of motherfuckers. I'll grab a strap and won't even fucking hesitate to blow some old ladies brains out the back of her head for the $20 in her purse... I'm so sick of being broke its actually physically making me sick... everytime I look around and take stock of my life, I puke. I just have to run to the toilet and puke because I guess some part of my brain can't process it.

I mean, I might really just kill a motherfucker before this month is over...

[Rainycity]

Damn i know how it is to live with crazy people, your on alert 24/7 then you do something like make the stairs sqeak and bam, you get shot in the head.

[docus]

As great as it kinda sounds to just stop giving a fuck and run around slinging dope, robbing people and scoring money... eventually that shit will catch up with you in the form of a jail sentence, or more likely: you'll lose faith entirely because not even the most extreme plans won't change who you are and how shitty you feel, and die by your own hand. The way to having a good/fun/happy life is long and windy. From where you are, it probably seems impossible. But you HAVE to try it and keep trying, there's no other way except onwards and upwards. You say you can't find a way to become self sufficient and financially independent? FIND a way. Look harder, look everywhere, and when you've looked everywhere, keep actively looking. You gots to be relentless, and don't ever stop until you're in the clear.

[THIS IS IMPORTANT GODDAMNIT]

Don;'t just hand in a resume, walk in and try and talk to the manager, getting a job is less about the piece of paper and more about first impressions. If you can get a job you should move out and then try and save some money to move away. Then you can find another job, maybe do a trade (that'd be good because as long as you work hard you'll always have marketable skills and if you want to entrepeneur you;ll be able to own your own business one day) My overall advice would be to take action, don't just dwindle in your situation feeling worse and worse.


Lol, advice is so much easier to give than follow :D

[Bong McPuffin]

I noticed a change in my mind about 2 years ago, like something got switched off. I used to listen to rock n roll and went out and had a good time and there wasn't anything that could get me down. I was basically happy, had friends, and things were almost kind of looking on the up and up... but like I said, something in my brain broke... something snapped or got turned off.

Now all I listen to is dark, violent, down-right fucked up music... like gangster rap, and I'm NOT talking about like Snoop Dogg/Ice Cube and other fake ass gangsters... I'm listening to the Bangin on Wax albums and the other albums it spawned... real gangsters, murderers, and generally fucked up people. This music is fucking sick and disgusting, but I love it. I love every word of it. I love the violence, I love the hate, I love the down-right FUCK YOU attitude of it. I love the whole "Blink wrong and I'm going to blow your brains out" attitude of the music.... this worries me honestly. Its like I'm trapped between being sane and crazy, I can see that I'm on both sides of the fence, and that at one point in my life I was generally a happy and productive individual, but one day it all changed and now all I feel is hatred, loathing, and Im generally just stuck in the pissed off position... and as the days go by I can feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into this murderous and fucked up mindset. All that runs through my head when my parents are speaking to me is the sweet sound of skull exploding as a bullet rips through the skin, bone, and brain matter, and subsequently spraying it all on the wall behind them. Just over and over again. I picture myself shanking these fuckers with everything I get in my hands, from scissors, to pliers, to the kitchen knife, even ball point pens and pencils put a little twinge of "I'm gonna shank these motherfuckers" through my mind.

I mean, it can't be good for you for the last thoughts in your head before you go to sleep are "Fuck these assholes, I hope someone kills them..." and the first thoughts you have upon waking are "I'm going to murder these assholes today, I can just feel it..."... and just constantly repeating to yourself throughout the day that you hate your life and the people you are with "I fucking hate my life... I fucking hate my dad... I hate my bitch mom... I hope my sister gets drunk and goes for a drive and hits the abutment of a bridge and gets launched through the windshield and dies"

I mean, that can't be normal or healthy....

[docus]

I noticed a change in my mind about 2 years ago, like something got switched off. I used to listen to rock n roll and went out and had a good time and there wasn't anything that could get me down. I was basically happy, had friends, and things were almost kind of looking on the up and up... but like I said, something in my brain broke... something snapped or got turned off.

Now all I listen to is dark, violent, down-right fucked up music... like gangster rap, and I'm NOT talking about like Snoop Dogg/Ice Cube and other fake ass gangsters... I'm listening to the Bangin on Wax albums and the other albums it spawned... real gangsters, murderers, and generally fucked up people. This music is fucking sick and disgusting, but I love it. I love every word of it. I love the violence, I love the hate, I love the down-right FUCK YOU attitude of it. I love the whole "Blink wrong and I'm going to blow your brains out" attitude of the music.... this worries me honestly. Its like I'm trapped between being sane and crazy, I can see that I'm on both sides of the fence, and that at one point in my life I was generally a happy and productive individual, but one day it all changed and now all I feel is hatred, loathing, and Im generally just stuck in the pissed off position... and as the days go by I can feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into this murderous and fucked up mindset. All that runs through my head when my parents are speaking to me is the sweet sound of skull exploding as a bullet rips through the skin, bone, and brain matter, and subsequently spraying it all on the wall behind them. Just over and over again. I picture myself shanking these fuckers with everything I get in my hands, from scissors, to pliers, to the kitchen knife, even ball point pens and pencils put a little twinge of "I'm gonna shank these motherfuckers" through my mind.

I mean, it can't be good for you for the last thoughts in your head before you go to sleep are "Fuck these assholes, I hope someone kills them..." and the first thoughts you have upon waking are "I'm going to murder these assholes today, I can just feel it..."... and just constantly repeating to yourself throughout the day that you hate your life and the people you are with "I fucking hate my life... I fucking hate my dad... I hate my bitch mom... I hope my sister gets drunk and goes for a drive and hits the abutment of a bridge and gets launched through the windshield and dies"

I mean, that can't be normal or healthy....

It's good that you're venting your pent up emotions. You've got serious problems that affect your daily thoughts for the worse. But I see people in your situation often, and it's always the ones that never leave the "let me tell you about my life" phase that keep relapsing into their destructive routine. In your next post, I want to hear you say that you've had enough of this situation, and the steps you would like to take in order to change the way your life is going. Show us the best of yourself. I'm eager to see you on your best.

[Bong McPuffin]

Don;'t just hand in a resume, walk in and try and talk to the manager, getting a job is less about the piece of paper and more about first impressions. If you can get a job you should move out and then try and save some money to move away. Then you can find another job, maybe do a trade (that'd be good because as long as you work hard you'll always have marketable skills and if you want to entrepeneur you;ll be able to own your own business one day) My overall advice would be to take action, don't just dwindle in your situation feeling worse and worse.


Lol, advice is so much easier to give than follow :D

I have plenty of skills... I'm like the Pretender if you ever watched that show back in the 90s... I can literally assume almost any role and do it well... often times better than the people that have been there for years. For example, with woodturning, I was teaching the long-time vets a few things at the local woodturning club and I've only been doing it for a year on-and-off and only doing it half-assed. No matter what I put my mind to, I absorb tremendous amounts of information about that subject and I fucking retain most of that info. For instance, back in 2003 I installed Gentoo Linux from a Bootstrap configuration WITHOUT THE MANUAL AND NO PRIOR EXPERIENCE WITH LINUX AT ALL!!!! For those of you familiar with installing Gentoo Linux, even with the manual, you'll understand how difficult that is.

I have a brilliant mind really, its just muddled up with thoughts of suicide, murder, and carnage/mayhem. All sorts of useless and scary thoughts (like how to areosolize BromoDragonFLY and distribute it throughout a crowded area). I spend so much time thinking about murdering people and figuring out how to hide/dispose of the bodies I could probably write a book on the subject.

Seriously, I spend more time out of my day snapping myself out of day dreams of mayhem and murder than I do actually doing something useful with my time. Its only getting worse as time goes on and these injustices keep racking up. There is no justice in this world and my sibblings/parents can be as horrible as they want to be and there is no negative consequence for their actions.

I mean, I don't claim to be a genius or anything, but I am extremely smart and I have the capability and capacity to learn like its no ones business.

Its not just my family that has me down either... its multiple layers of fucked up that I live in, and I'm fully aware of ALL these levels of fucked up AT ALL TIMES. For instance, I'm a shitty person physically, I'm fat... balding... got a ton of problems mentally. This fat balding psychopath lives in a shitty house that is in shambles due to destructive assholes living here. This shamble of a house is located in a shitty neighborhood filled with shitty people. There are some good people here and some nice houses, but its mostly just a barren wasteland of drugs and booze. This neighborhood is located in a shitty city that has nothing to offer... Tacoma is a fucking hell hole. Seriously, I see people going around lately with shirts that say shit like "Tacoma, The Reason I Drink..." or "Tacoma... never did drugs before I got here!"... and they are selling these shirts left and right because everyone knows its FUCKING TRUE!. This shitty city is located in a shitty state with all sorts of assholes running it who have NO CLUE WHAT THEY ARE DOING! This state is located in this shitty country that is falling apart at the seams... I am ashamed of being an American and the basic American attitude just pisses me off. I don't blame the rest of the world for hating us... WE FUCKING SUCK!

^ I know thats a big chunk of text, but it is all really one thought.

Anyways... I'm done bitching about this tonight... I'm tired.

For what its worth, I'd marry the girl that helped me at the hospital in a heartbeat... she was AMAZINGLY beautiful... but I'm painfully aware of how fucked up I am and I wouldn't even consider putting her through my miserable existence... I'll just let her be beautiful and happy on her own... the only thing I could possibly do is swoop down like a wrecking ball and destroy her life. But man was she beautiful... Oh well, just one more pretty face I'll forget about because I have zero chance of being with them and making them happy. I'm bound to be alone for the rest of my life because I'm just too miserable of a human being to be with for any length of time. Either that, or I'm going to wind up with someone I deserve... like a toothless meth addict.

[Bong McPuffin]

It's good that you're venting your pent up emotions. You've got serious problems that affect your daily thoughts for the worse. But I see people in your situation often, and it's always the ones that never leave the "let me tell you about my life" phase that keep relapsing into their destructive routine. In your next post, I want to hear you say that you've had enough of this situation, and the steps you would like to take in order to change the way your life is going. Show us the best of yourself. I'm eager to see you on your best.

Well its a little too soon for that.. I'm still all fucked up from todays bullshit to be rational and optimistic. I appreciate what you're doing though really... its not falling on deaf ears.

Just typing long posts and complaining to a forum is like taking a shit into an empty void... its both satisfying/relieving and you don't really have to worry about where the shit goes because you don't really give a fuck.

I'll see where my scrambled-eggs-for-brains mind is at tomorrow when I wake up and we'll see about being optimistic then.

EDIT: Also, my emotional center in my brain is all fucked up. I feel happy when I should be mad, I feel mad when i should be happy, I feel sad when nothing is wrong, and I feel nothing when something tragic actually happens. Also, certain things don't even phase me anymore, like gore/violence, sadistic behavior, and sociopathic behavior. You could literally shoot a baby in the face right in front of me and I probably wouldn't feel little more than "Sucks for that baby..." or "Better that baby than me!"

[Bong McPuffin]

If anything, I might just take the Charlie Sheen route... minus the pornstars and sex and all that good shit... I'll just start smoking 7 gram rocks... cause thats how I roll. In fact, fuck Charlie Sheen, I'll do 10 gram rocks and shoot it directly into the carotid artery.

If I'm bound to be miserable, I want to be so fucked up that I don't even notice... and then when I'm Charlie Sheens age I'll be so mentally fried like he is, then I can go around saying all sorts of crazy shit and that I simply don't give a fuck anymore.

Scramble my brains through drug use....at least it isn't suicide!

[Bong McPuffin]

Eh I can't sleep, I'm too amped up on hatred and just generally being too pissed off to sleep... so I figure I'll just type here until I physically wear myself out...

What should I talk about? Theres so much to talk/complain/bitch about I don't even know where to start.

One thing that is really depressing about tonight is also the best thing about tonight, and that is the hot nurse that was tending to me and asking me questions... she just had the prettiest blue eyes and a gorgeous smile and her happy up-beat attitude was just heart-melting, not to mention her boner inducing ass and just killer body in general... she was my dream girl if I ever had a dream girl. What I realized though on the car ride home is that I'm never getting a girl like that. I am far too fucked up to pull that off. I'm not even THAT bad looking and I could probably pull some good looking girls if I wasn't a raving lunatic in my head. I could never fully appreciate someone like her the way she deserves it... I'd just end up hurting her emotionally and/or physically. This is incredibly depressing to me for some reason... like more so than my shitty life situation and being a failure at life... what REALLY hurts is that I lack basic human compassion. I don't have the capacity to love another human being... not even this gorgeous nurse who made my heart melt... which is literally the first time I've ever felt that sensation. Even with that one-in-a-million breakthrough to my heart and to the nice person inside of me, I still couldn't love her the way she really deserves to be loved. Maybe if we met in an alternate universe or at a point in my life prior to me becoming a fucked up lunatic with mayhem and murder on my mind it could work out... but as it is now... ugh...

I'm literally more depressed about that realization than I was about whatever it is that made me mad before I got arrested and went to the psyche ward.

If she could just meet me from like 2003/2004... and see awesome I was, prior to my mental snap/shutdown... back when I was basically happy with my life... I'm sure I could've loved her and been happy and probably had a great life together... If I could just some how regain my mental state from that time in my life, that feeling of "Life is going to be alright, what a beautiful bright sunshiny-day" that I used to have... I might be alright again... but if modern medicine has proven anything to me, is that once you're broke mentally you're broke for life... you can't unscramble an egg... you can put the scrambled eggs back into their shells and tape it together, but its just a cheap fix and its not how it originally was, no amount of tape or glue is going to fix that.

Its not just that nurse either... but she IS a special case in my life, first time EVER that a woman has busted through my icy and dead exterior to the warm nouggaty center of me. There are other girls I've been like a nanosecond from asking out and attempting to have fun/be happy with.. but I always stop myself when I realize that I'd just be dragging them into a miserable situation. Its gotten to the point where I don't even care and I hardly notice girls anymore. Everyone thinks I'm gay because I don't oggle at all the eye-canding walking around and talk about it... I just give a basic nod or just dismiss the comment altogether and then I have to hear some bullshit about how my friend thinks I'm gay. IM NOT GAY, I JUST QUIT GIVING A FUCK! Why is that so hard for you to fucking understand? I basically retired my testicles... put them in an old locker and gave the key back to management, because I don't need them anymore... I'm too fucked up to think about procreating and having a family.

I don't want to be THAT guy who snaps at breakfast one day and kills his wife for not cooking his breakfast right... (http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20016224-504083.html)

So, in doing the rest of humanity a favor and NOT popping out a bunch of kids that I can't raise and who I'd ultimately end up twisting and fucking up their minds anyways, I feel as though I'm doing the responsible thing.

Basically, in hanging my testicles up, I've hung up all my dreams of having a girlfriend/wife and starting a family and living "happily ever after". Its just not in the cards for me anymore... all that is left is how I'm going to die and when.

Will it be a massive drug overdose? Will it be a .357 magnum slug to the temple? Will I jump off a building? Will I jump in front of a bus? Will I swallow a balloon connected to an air compressor hose and turn the compressor on until I inflate and keep inflating and inflating until I explode? Will I just lay down on the train tracks at night and go to sleep with my head on the rail? Anyone want to start taking bets? You guys can start a zoklet suicide pool where you guys bet on how I go and when... when the pool reaches a substantial sum of money I'll off myself on a webcam so you guys can verify the time of death and the method I used.

[Slapshot]

If you can't get any kind of job, even one making shit money (beggars can't be choosers) then you might be better off just starting over in another place. Grow some balls, accumulate some pocket money, and go somewhere where jobs are plentiful. You might have to apply for benefits and put up with shitty living conditions for a year or two, start off at the bottom of the pay scale with some mop job, but if you're intelligent and reliable you should have no problem getting promotions and climbing the economic ladder.

There are plenty of middle class jobs in my area, and plenty of poor people. The strong survive while the weak starve. Leave your situation behind, or don't.




real gangsters, murderers, and generally fucked up people. This music is fucking sick and disgusting, but I love it. I love every word of it. I love the violence, I love the hate, I love the down-right FUCK YOU attitude of it.

LOL, so do I... I respect gangsters who are at the top of their game, but I also realize that I do not live in their world, nor do they live in mine (thankfully). I prefer the safety and economic stability of my lifestyle over theirs, but I still respect their ability to survive in such a harsh environment. I just don't get drawn into it. Why would you pursue such an unstable lifestyle if you've got the skills to do better?

[THIS IS IMPORTANT GODDAMNIT]

If you're smart you should be using your natural skill to get out your situation. What you'v started to do in this thread is write a bunch of elaborate drama that you'v visualised your life as. Guess what dude, its all drama and imagination; none of that is reality, its objective and its up for grabs to be a positive experience if you so choose. You kind of sound like you'd rather dable in this dramatic tale of your downfall, and that's all good and shit but wouldn't you rather rise above and live a joyous succesful life>?

[King Owl]

I blame the cannabis.

[Headspin]

Sorry to hear about your situation, really, I am. I don't feel sorry for you, I feel sorry that you have put up with such a loser family. You didn't choose the life you were born into, or where you were born. I understand the anger and the shitty father, lucky for me mine tries to fix his wrongs.

If you're worried about insanity I would say fuck that. Embrace that thought/idea because that's the one that will take you places and increase who you are. Really the only thing I can say is get the fuck out of there while you still can/haven't hurt anyone. God knows they probably deserve it but you are a bigger man and will triumph in the end having had to deal with the monotonous and crippling emotional bullshit which you are present for so often.

Go away to school if you can, try and get a grant or loan and saddle the fuck up.

[Sir Cornwell]

I guess that getting some shitty restaurant job in Tacoma isn't up either? Kitchen jobs are not a favorite for everyone, so they tend to be open a little more often.

Do you have much in the way of possessions that hold you back, with you not wanting to leave if you got nowhere to take them? What kind of money do you need to earn to rent a halfway passable apt/basement suite? Being Amurica, you don't want to live in just any neighborhood.

If it's at all possible to move somewhere local, it would be a step to moving to Olympia/Seattle/Portland/the World. Somewhere not too far with more ops, even if it's only the beginning. I always hear people dis Tacky. People might have shit to say about other towns in the PNW, but Tacky is the one everyone loves to dis.

If you could just scrape up some coin to make it to P. by summer, you might still seethe and hate, but in much cooler place.

I won't even bring up setting up some camp in the piney woods near some bus route, but well hidden, while you save up coin at some shitty job. Too much probably.

[Bong McPuffin]

To the above two posts (Crom and W1z)... I appreciate what you're saying.

Getting a job is really hard because I'm in suburban land-lock. There aren't any restaurants around here... there are only gas stations and smoke shops and more gas stations, and none of them are hiring, because 1.) Everyones taken all the gas station jobs and 2.) I'm not indian enough to be hired on as a tribal smoke-shop employee.

Beyond that though... there are casinos, and once again I'm not indian enough to get a job there without having to spend a shitton of money I don't have to become a dealer (and believe me, I've really thought long and hard about becoming a black-jack dealer).

I tried to start my own business but my family sabotaged that attempt, hence why I took my woodturning website down... it wasn't generating enough money, and my family just trashed my work area.

Everytime I've ever had work, my checks either get garnished because my parents put a bunch of shit in my name when I was kid and fucked my social security number up.... now the IRS is hounding me for like $30,000 in debt that they racked up.

Its not so much that I want to keep the drama alive or keep myself immersed in it Erich Von Whatever (too lazy to scroll up to check)... I wrote all that in the span of about an hour and a half last night because I was too amped up to go to bed, so speed-typing and venting at the same time seemed like a good way to get tired enough to pass the fuck out.

[:Evo:]

hey man, i really am not sure what to say. I dont want to say the wrong shit because I cant relate to what youre going thru, but i've read every single word that youve written here in this thread an i just wanna help you out man. you sound like a smart man, and well, you *can* have a prosperous fututure.

you have to get out of your bad situation, leave, and apply your knowledge and skills to achieve goals. set your bar high. reach the goals. set the bar again.

it sounds like you have an affinity for your wood turning hobby- start with that.

go out, meet new people, hell- straiten up your act, try to be a bit more stable once youre out of your current situation and even talk to that pretty nurse! youve got nothin to lose man, and youll kick yourself for not doin it.

but ill tell ya one thing man- drugs/alcohol/violence is *not* a viable/easy/good/right way out of this mess youre in.

just think of a plan or procedure to remove yourself from this negative shit goin on in your life and surround yourself with the COMPLETE opposite. listen to rock again! (i love rock, especially bands like Rush, led zepplin, ac dc, guns n roses, dream theater, avenged sevenfold, etc...)

you do have a lot of potential man. you can be a better person. show them that. fuck- show *yourself* that. show US that. show the freakin world dude.

just keep in mind that you dont want to sink to their level. a person like yourself, who REALIZES wtf is going on- please dont do it. youre much better than that.

hell- learn an instrument (guitar, percussion, whatever), or educate yourself further (math, computer science, etc...), meet people (go to some place youve never been, some place with level-headed people, talk/mingle, get to kno people with your same intrests!), play some sports! (golf, hockey, skating, soccer, or even just going for a run!), and never leave your music- no matter what it is, its your form of expression and its who you are wherever you go.

let us kno whats up man,

-steve