Anyone else have had/has difficulty accepting being human?

[Death Snuggle]

Simply having the inability to be comfortable in your own skin not as yourself but as in being a part of the species is what I am directing this towards.

I was always too trusting and naive for my own good, but I kept all my sadistic and masochistic thoughts to myself. I went through a lot of shit in my childhood and became quite distant emotionally. I jumped from religion to religion and finding no solace in any of it. I had Christianity shoved down my throat and that aided in my rejection of the Judeo-Christian concept of God. I just found myself losing contact with more and more people and found more purpose for hatred over sadness.

For a long while, I lost the ability to have emotions. I was completely apathetic to everyone and myself. It receded and all I felt was hatred and spite. I was never happy, sad, or jealous. It was all rage or complete detachment. I refused to see myself as a weak human, but I was nothing more in my mind either. This all returned to the obsession I had with death. I would see how far I could go with it and see how much I could feel it.

This all started around the time I was 8 and it went unchecked until I was 15. I had slowly started to let the hatred take over my apathy and I became the personified embodiment of the emotion. At this point, I was locked up in an impatient mental health facility.

I was put on anti-depressants and mood stabilizer which brought back my apathy but also let my sadistic thoughts bleed into reality. All I could think of was blood and what it would feel like to slice living flesh from bone. Imagining the screams, the brutality, and the fear became overwhelmingly intoxicating which led to several more admissions and medication changes.

I eventually refused treatment and my psychiatrist go fed up with my inability to conform to her will, which in all reality was me refusing to take a medication because I was not informed that I was being put on a different medication. I found that I was actually content with life after that ordeal. It faded slightly and lead the way to my drug use.

I'm almost 20 now and I actually am starting to feel like I am human for the first time in my life. It quite a unique feeling. I don't feel as desperate or lonely as well as not craving a relationship to validate myself. This has come at the cost of trying to join the military(waiting to sign my contract) and stopping all my drug use. It's a very strange peace.

I am very curious to see how many other have felt like this and what lead the way to create this thought of themselves. It would also be of interest to who has come out of it and how long it took as well as the path that lead them out of it.

[The Better Version]

Is it just me or is our generation seriously fucked up? I mean look at how many school shootings we had in the past two years. It seems like almost every few months someone shoots a bunch of people in public and you know how old they are? Late teens-early twenties.

Sorry man. I'm not trying to equate you with these people, but rather illustrating a point that society, particularly young kids are getting more fucked up as time persists. I even feel a little crazy sometimes but I don't think I've ever experienced what you've experienced. I feel human and I'm glad to be human but I'm ashamed at most of my contemporaries due to the cournicopia of mistakes or intentional fuck ups. But I decided to take the other route and help stupid people instead of joining them or rejecting them. It's futile I know, but honestly even helping one person out is gratifying enough and I figured as long as I'm self satisfied by the time I die....well I should say I lived a pretty good life.

Btw.....I wouldn't join the military dude. Once again, not trying to offend but you have some pretty big problems and going to Afghanistan is only going to augment it.

[Cult Leader]

Please don't go to the military.

[Nero]

Please don't go to the military.

We need more people like him in the military.

[Death Snuggle]

I know how it seem to look from the outside looking in with the military and all, but it was a more financially motivated move than anything else. This has slowly grown on me and has gotten me to feel content with life for the first time. The more I look back on my life, the more I realize I was trying to break away from all the thing I was attached to so I could see the truth.

That's finally happened. This is the second time all of my possessions have been stolen. I've lost the majority of my friends either from moving away or them turning on me. I stopped doing the drugs. I took my lip ring out and cut my hair. Those ironically were all that really defined me and now it's all gone.

I'm glad to realize I still have my potential, but this is to help with the motivation to live a productive life. Hell, I scored a 93 on my ASVAB so I know I have the ability.

[nowherekid]

[QUOTE=Death Snuggle;465081]Simply having the inability to be comfortable in your own skin not as yourself but as in being a part of the species is what I am directing this towards.

I was always too trusting and naive for my own good, but I kept all my sadistic and masochistic thoughts to myself. I went through a lot of shit in my childhood and became quite distant emotionally. I jumped from religion to religion and finding no solace in any of it. I had Christianity shoved down my throat and that aided in my rejection of the Judeo-Christian concept of God. I just found myself losing contact with more and more people and found more purpose for hatred over sadness.

For a long while, I lost the ability to have emotions. I was completely apathetic to everyone and myself. It receded and all I felt was hatred and spite. I was never happy, sad, or jealous. It was all rage or complete detachment. I refused to see myself as a weak human, but I was nothing more in my mind either. This all returned to the obsession I had with death. I would see how far I could go with it and see how much I could feel it.

QUOTE]
Yeah dude I think I know just what you mean. It's weird I never thought I would hear anyone say they felt anything similar. I grew up next to a woods and My dad always talked about scientific fucking up the world shit. I was forced christian since I was little but I have gone back finally after several years. I had the detachment and cynacism since I was twelve and it only grew and then the drug use started. The morbid thoughts started about that time too. Always death. I don't wanna be too specific but it was alot. Killing me, others, incorporating hilarity into the matter.

I look at towns and cities and it can't be real. It is such bullshit. Those fuckers have no regard for nature or other people. They are the ones with a disillusioned world. My friends were the most accepting people I could find but still so different and so much happier than me that I had to pretend alot. I finally found some bands I thought expressed feeling similar to mine. I got "help" eventually which was forced. I cooperated but stopped taking the drugs which didn't really help me in a few months.

Its funny the dude under you mentions school shootings. I got arrested for asking for a gun to shoot myself and I don't really remember at school and it got twisted around to me killing everyone at school.

[Yggdrasil]

I'm sorry, but I have a spiteful disposition towards people like you. Sure, I have my personal issues. I get into rows, into disputes. I get dealt the short straw sometimes, I get down on my luck. And yet, as does everyone else in the world, I suck it up and hope for a better tomorrow. I don't develop personality disorders, I don't go on binges, I don't conjure up insane fantasies. I can only think of people like you as apathetic, weak, and ill-raised.


I think one of the greatest problems with society today is the negligible discipline and behaviour instilled in young children by their parents. Parents are letting their kids behave like shits, to manipulate the parents themselves, to do what they want. NO. If you're my kid and you're horsing around and I tell you to stop, you'll stop respectfully. I lose my patience with parents that take shit and excuses from their kids. I'm a nice person, but I wouldn't allow disrespectfulness, bad behaviour, or lack of order from kids. Same goes for teachers. We're too damned lax.

[Death Snuggle]

I'm sorry, but I have a spiteful disposition towards people like you. Sure, I have my personal issues. I get into rows, into disputes. I get dealt the short straw sometimes, I get down on my luck. And yet, as does everyone else in the world, I suck it up and hope for a better tomorrow. I don't develop personality disorders, I don't go on binges, I don't conjure up insane fantasies. I can only think of people like you as apathetic, weak, and ill-raised.


I think one of the greatest problems with society today is the negligible discipline and behaviour instilled in young children by their parents. Parents are letting their kids behave like shits, to manipulate the parents themselves, to do what they want. NO. If you're my kid and you're horsing around and I tell you to stop, you'll stop respectfully. I lose my patience with parents that take shit and excuses from their kids. I'm a nice person, but I wouldn't allow disrespectfulness, bad behaviour, or lack of order from kids. Same goes for teachers. We're too damned lax.

See, you don't know me and you obviously don't know even one thing about me or my life by your statement.

I was always respectful and polite. I still believe in chivalry and practice it. I however had a very bad anger issue which I tried to bury inside myself and it self perpetuated until life wasn't even really existing. I always did what I was told until it did me wrong and I had a lot of people fuck me over. I am anti-social and loner by almost all standards.

It also didn't help with the inherent guilt I had from my brother being diagnosed with MDD which is a genetic disorder. It was a 50/50 chance for either of us and my younger brother had it and I didn't. We are still taking care of him and he only has a few years left to live. I'm sure you cannot comprehend the mental toll of hating yourself and having to take care of a younger sibling who cannot walk let alone even feed himself.

Complete detachment from humanity was my escape because there isn't a brighter day. There's only the next day hoping you don't lose the closest family member to you. Think about having these facts shoved down your throat as an 8 year old on top of your bastard father molesting your younger sister which in turn causes a divorce in where you're deadbeat father puts all his responsibilities to you.

Comprehend that and then maybe you can say something worth listening to. I'm not making excuses. I was way out of hand when I was around 14-15, but it was a long time coming. I just don't agree with your misinterpretation of everything that involves something you can't properly understand.

Oh, a little amusing fact. I was declared the 3rd most depressed person that institution had ever seen by age 15. 70+ years of combined experience in the field and they have the gall to say something like that to my face. What the fuck are you supposed to say to being told you've been clinically depressed for over half your life and you're one of the worsts cases they've ever seen?

[Nero]

I'm sorry, but I have a spiteful disposition towards people like you. Sure, I have my personal issues. I get into rows, into disputes. I get dealt the short straw sometimes, I get down on my luck. And yet, as does everyone else in the world, I suck it up and hope for a better tomorrow. I don't develop personality disorders, I don't go on binges, I don't conjure up insane fantasies. I can only think of people like you as apathetic, weak, and ill-raised.


I think one of the greatest problems with society today is the negligible discipline and behaviour instilled in young children by their parents. Parents are letting their kids behave like shits, to manipulate the parents themselves, to do what they want. NO. If you're my kid and you're horsing around and I tell you to stop, you'll stop respectfully. I lose my patience with parents that take shit and excuses from their kids. I'm a nice person, but I wouldn't allow disrespectfulness, bad behaviour, or lack of order from kids. Same goes for teachers. We're too damned lax.

I fucking agree.

[The Better Version]

I would have to disagree because I've been in some fucked up family issues myself. Of course this all happened during high school so I was fortunate enough to avoid dealing with it at such a young age. Regardless, it was incredibly stressful and if it wasn't for my best friends I probably would have become clinically depressed.

Bottom line is, Life is rough and for some people it's not that rough but for others it's crazy. Some people can handle it and some can't, which is probably predisposed genetically so there really isn't a whole lot of say in where you are born and how your life plays out. The dude admitted to being fucked up at one point in his life but I suppose he's found himself. These things happen you know.

[DJ Meaty Cheeks]

No shit, it's called life as a human. It's difficult, and it sucks.

[LiquidIce]

Shit happens. But I think it's wrong to lose precious time just being said. Sure, I could brood over almost failing or failing my maths exam today and not getting my diploma, but I prefer to use this time to play some C&C:Gold, read, drink a beer and study. That gets more things done than being all depressed.

Also, our generation is fucked up because it's part of a huge domino - the people that are 30-40 now are fucked up and they passed this fucked-uppedness to their children via upbringing. That's why we have a 1000 theories and magazines and whatnot on child upbringing compared to just One Good Old Way (tm) that has not failed us for centuries.

[The Better Version]

well it's a genetic predisposition as well as outside stimuli (good/bad parenting) that shapes who we are. But I also think the population is getting fucked up for two reasons. For one thing there are more of us, so naturally there will be more of the same problems. But I also think it could have something to do with the food and drinks we consume. I mean we're on the cutting edge technology in food production, which means, new chemicals are introduced into our bodies and scientists still don't know the long term consequences. Perhaps the augmentation of public shootings is a result of this.

Another thing to note is the massive amount of new technology that affects our social lives. I'm talking about the invention of the internet and cell phones/texting. I don't think it leads to people becoming crazy but it certainly rewired our brains in some shape or form as all stimuli, particularly new stimuli, affects our neurons, causing them to detach and connect in a different fashion.

Personally I noticed some changes in me that my parents never exhibited such as speed reading. Often times when I read a long post, I'll skim through it and try to get the main points but a lot of times this is bad because I fail to see some of the real important points. This also happens in my social life where I'll talk to someone and while I'm listening to them I'll come in and out of paying attention to the conversation so I'll only get certain points. This happens with books too. I'll start reading one get about half way through it and then dig right into a new one. So I'm literally reading a multitude of completely different books all at once and sometimes it will confuse me.

I don't know though....we'll just have to see how all this unfolds.

[LiquidIce]

^ Well, I know that I would shoot up my school on a bad day because there are things that annoy me: people sitting and blocking the stairs, people standing and blocking the hallway etc. Maybe it's just because we can't do anything about it - they can do their annoying thing while the only thing you can do is tell them something which won't do shit. It's not the times where you could beat someone up and have absolutely no consequences.

Also, comparing the education from a couple of decades ago I can say that this generation must be dumb. I'm doing 6 subjects, I'm through 4 out of 15 exams, but I know that I could've learned all of this if I put more time into it - I learned basic combinatorics, poisson distribution, normal distribution, binomial distribution, bayes' theorem and differentiation (up to the second derivative, min/max and all that jazz) + some integration in 3 days. But on the other hand we have people that do only 3 subjects, 2 of which are so basic that a junior highschooler could pass them. Yet, there's a 15-30% fail rate at this.

People are getting dumber - a good analogy is turn signals in cars. People pass their exams and think of it as "just" exams. Then they stop using their turn signals in some situations because they're too dumb to think that the whole driving law is made so that everyone is safe and is not just a stupid exams.

People are greedy, close minded and nearsighted to the point of breaking.

[nowherekid]

People are greedy, close minded and nearsighted to the point of breaking. *This only applys to everyone but liquid ice.*

[LiquidIce]

*This only applys to everyone but liquid ice.*

You said that, dipshit. Seeing that there are many people capable of fucking over their family or closest ones, I see no 'good' in the majority of people. Why do you think people cheat on their supposedly loved ones? Because they are ruled by greed, because they feel self-righteous.

[nowherekid]

Damn I suck at sarcasm ha ha. I didn't mean it only applied to you either. Yeah most people suck. As a whole humans are just shit that fucks the world up for its own greed. People don't look at all the factors, consequences, and other perspectives. They just fucking do what they do. I'll agree on that. I got you mixed up with some asshole earlier. I'm a little bit sorry and thats not sarcasm this time. People are getting dumber and I strongly believe people fucked up future generations with chemicals, new forms of entertainment, and bad ways to fit in.

Why would you wanna go shoot up the school because people annoyed you? Wouldn't you want to do it because 99% of those people talk shit about you behind your back, outcast you, hate you, and that hate is well deserved to be returned in a way they will never forget?

[sexualjesus]

i get uncomfortable in my own brain, and then my own skin, but its only after i realise that the chemistry in my brain is so off balance.

[cheech]

hmmm i fell like WritingANovel...

yesnoamirite?

[LiquidIce]

Damn I suck at sarcasm ha ha. I didn't mean it only applied to you either. Yeah most people suck. As a whole humans are just shit that fucks the world up for its own greed. People don't look at all the factors, consequences, and other perspectives. They just fucking do what they do. I'll agree on that. I got you mixed up with some asshole earlier. I'm a little bit sorry and thats not sarcasm this time. People are getting dumber and I strongly believe people fucked up future generations with chemicals, new forms of entertainment, and bad ways to fit in.

Why would you wanna go shoot up the school because people annoyed you? Wouldn't you want to do it because 99% of those people talk shit about you behind your back, outcast you, hate you, and that hate is well deserved to be returned in a way they will never forget?

Ok, sorry if I overreacted. I would want to do it because this annoyance with them is closely tied with all the other stuff - I guess this stems from self-importance or total lack of respect. If they block the whole fucking stairs then there's a high chance that they feel good about it, they feel clever or empowered. That's where I'd love to show how wrong they are, but I cannot do it because I don't wanna risk the last few days of my education just for some spoiled idiots.

Also, what kind of chemicals do you have in mind? I know about the entertainment part, but chemicals? Never thought it that way.

[nowherekid]

you didn't overreact. I would have probably said something similar and a lot of other zokles would have probably been real dicks about it. I can see what you mean but I wouldn't have really thought of it like that because I've almost always lived in a rural area in a low population school. I was thinking with the fitting in that some kids don't fit in anywhere else but gangs and pretty much stuff like that. I pretty sure a lot more kids are doing shit like this for one reason or another than in the past. They don't need school education when they have their gang.

I wasn't necessarily thinking recreational drugs. Drugs can be either alright depending on the person and their situation or stimuli. I was thinking of pesticides, herbicides, Pcbs, mercury, pharmaceuticals, theres a whole piss load of them. Like the Pharms for instance like birth control when recycled through from piss and get back in the drinking water have a hormone effect and change how we develop. I wonder what other pharmaceuticals would do to people and nature.

Pcbs effects are quite controversial but it is clear that they effect how we develop particularly in the infancy stages. They are endocrine disrupting compounds. They can have an effect on dental formations, the immune system, and IQ. Theo Colburn in 1993 published the effects of pesticides lowering the IQs of Native Americans up to 2nd grade. You can't really distinguish the effects from Pcbs because subjects are exposed to both and the frequency, amount, and duration of the exposure of each vary.

I think these really can really screw up people as much as some people are exposed to them and don't know it. Not all of them may make us stupid but they all have negative effects on us and coincide with one trend or another. They have all been studied just the results of most aren't widely available. They are all published and such they're just not in places you would expect to see them like magazines. They weren't studied sufficiently before they were introduced and these effects were unforeseen. People just have a way of screwing up themselves and the environment when they think they are really helping out.

[Dumpster Slut]

I definetely feel like my soul doesnt belong in a body, but in another world of sorts - like a giant pool of souls for example. I'm still amazed when I look in the mirror and I see myself, I never recongnize myself. I've felt this way since I was a little kid. I remember staring into the mirror when I was 5-6 and being amazed that I was conciouss and that I inhabited my own body, and I still to do this day feel that way.

[Yggdrasil]

What I think the above poster described is somewhat similar to a condition called depersonalization. Look it up, I can't be fucked to type up an engaging explanation at this time.

[Darkhunter]

Wow I thought I was of the only ones that were wondering this.

Ever since I was 10 I started feeling nothing emotionally due to a close family member passing away. This effected most of my life and people felt awkward to be around me, eventually having people go out of their way to not have to be alone with me including family members.

I'm nearing 20 and I have learned to not have the creepy "Look he has no feelings" but more of a "He really doesn't get bothered by much." In college if people think something's off I just tell them I smoke pot or drink and people usually accept that I'm high or drunk when I appear off. Kind of sad though that I have to appear to be under a drug to be accepted for what is natural to me.

But yeah you are not alone. I am willing to bet you that people you know are like you.

[this-too-will-pass]

yeah, when I realize that I have no free will I can get into a pretty heavy fugue.

I think one of the reasons that modern youth do this shit is because they feel that they have absolutely nothing to live for. after all, the dream that their school and their parents have for them is to work for the rest of their lives. they have nothing to live for, no reason to exist. They hate the world and resent their own existence. And when you hate the world, you want to destroy it. People in general are idiots because they spend more time trying to be popular than trying to be smart.

[Darkhunter]

yeah, when I realize that I have no free will I can get into a pretty heavy fugue.

I think one of the reasons that modern youth do this shit is because they feel that they have absolutely nothing to live for. after all, the dream that their school and their parents have for them is to work for the rest of their lives. they have nothing to live for, no reason to exist. They hate the world and resent their own existence. And when you hate the world, you want to destroy it. People in general are idiots because they spend more time trying to be popular than trying to be smart.

People in general are morons. You have the parents that pressure their kids to become a music sensation due to them knowing one or two songs on an instrument that end up on their third or seventh marriage at age 30, the child stars that end up dope fiends due to the pressure, or the people who push their kids to do well and when they first hit the real world away from their family (College) end up going nuts due to not knowing how to handle freedom.

I wish the 70s were happening right now. Kids of today have parents and schools deciding if they will succeed in life before they can make their own decisions. No wonder my generation hates life.

[Dumpster Slut]

What I think the above poster described is somewhat similar to a condition called depersonalization. Look it up, I can't be fucked to type up an engaging explanation at this time.

yah...when i used to do alot of ecstasy and raving n shit it really got out of hand - i was completely disconnected with myself to the point where i literally felt out of body, as if i was hovering a few inches over myself. still i have episodes of this every now and then - especially during a stressfull situation i seem to go on autopilot - i mean its as if im not in control anymore - but i have good instincts apparantly because i perform great under pressure.

ive read about depersonalization and its effects, i definetely innately have some symptoms and my former drug use definetely amplified them. but now im back to the way i was (thank god)

[im taller than you]

There's only the next day hoping you don't lose the closest family member to you.


I'm pretty sure this would be a good explanation of you being obsessed with death.

[nowherekid]

I think one of the reasons that modern youth do this shit is because they feel that they have absolutely nothing to live for. after all, the dream that their school and their parents have for them is to work for the rest of their lives. they have nothing to live for, no reason to exist. They hate the world and resent their own existence. And when you hate the world, you want to destroy it. People in general are idiots because they spend more time trying to be popular than trying to be smart.
Yeah pretty much. There's drugs, friends, what you wanna do, and family to live for and when what you want to do is limited by society's system's until you are lost. Then there is not much of a place to turn except to what you already have and then you are nothing to society but a waste.

People trying to be popular always pissed me off. Always changing themselves for others. People don't like them so they concentrate on caring what people think instead of other things. Don't get me wrong learning is great but look at the schools. It seems to me mostly what they do is teach you to do what your told and memorize. Alot of kids in my area are so stupid at problem solving that you could put a dildo infront of them with a battery and they couldn't figure out how to change it.

[LiquidIce]

Yeah pretty much. There's drugs, friends, what you wanna do, and family to live for and when what you want to do is limited by society's system's until you are lost. Then there is not much of a place to turn except to what you already have and then you are nothing to society but a waste.

People trying to be popular always pissed me off. Always changing themselves for others. People don't like them so they concentrate on caring what people think instead of other things. Don't get me wrong learning is great but look at the schools. It seems to me mostly what they do is teach you to do what your told and memorize. Alot of kids in my area are so stupid at problem solving that you could put a dildo infront of them with a battery and they couldn't figure out how to change it.

Then why not look for your own happiness?

Why not learn something you like, if the system is backwards and stupid? Learn some maths and physics and you should ace the tests with 101% score.

[maskedwolfpup]

Is it just me or is our generation seriously fucked up? I mean look at how many school shootings we had in the past two years. It seems like almost every few months someone shoots a bunch of people in public and you know how old they are? Late teens-early twenties.

Sorry man. I'm not trying to equate you with these people, but rather illustrating a point that society, particularly young kids are getting more fucked up as time persists. I even feel a little crazy sometimes but I don't think I've ever experienced what you've experienced. I feel human and I'm glad to be human but I'm ashamed at most of my contemporaries due to the cournicopia of mistakes or intentional fuck ups. But I decided to take the other route and help stupid people instead of joining them or rejecting them. It's futile I know, but honestly even helping one person out is gratifying enough and I figured as long as I'm self satisfied by the time I die....well I should say I lived a pretty good life.

Btw.....I wouldn't join the military dude. Once again, not trying to offend but you have some pretty big problems and going to Afghanistan is only going to augment it.

I blame the older generation, every day they fatally shoot us in the chest (bailouts, illegal immigration) etc taking or denying us entry level jobs as a result, just so they can live in comfort and drive a giant gas drinking motorhome around the usa. They directly force us to be their slaves and responsible for their retirement while we get nothing except the short end of the stick

[kev19x]

This is the best thread I've read in a long time.
Everyone said something heartfelt about the topic.
Keep up the good discussions.
The contributors and poster in this thread have my thanks.

I find solace in threads like this.