Anyone, anyone... Bueller?

[Blizzard Spock]

I am not from the school of thought which subscribes to the idea that mental illness is a construct of a spoiled society and denotes some defect in personality. If you need medication to function effectively, by all means take it. It is chemistry- not character. Neither do I think mastery of undesired psychiatric symptoms can be maintained solely by holistic/homeopathic means. Complementary therapies are wonderful tools. Understanding how herbs, meditation, kinesiology, nutrition, psychoanalysis and metaphysics benefit mind/body wellness is an important facet of disease awareness. Applying that knowledge is difficult. It's a challenge for someone who's healthy and motivated, and many times an impossible one for someone who is sick. While no avenue toward possible remission should be ignored, sustaining positive results outside the medical establishment alone is simply not a feasible goal for many seriously ill patients.

At the same time, it is necessary to realize that drug therapy is an inexact science. If you are in the matrix of mental illness as supervised by the pharmaceutical conglomerate's marketing juggernaut, sometimes you are bound to feel like you're running in a giant human hamster wheel (or worse, cause that actually sounds kind of fun). But if Merck or Pfizer want to sell or cross-sell you a product, chances are that so too does the yogi or the medium or the 24 hour fitness center.

And sure, sure, the answers all lie within. Om. Just channel the right vibration to find the right rip at the precise moment and astral project your aching psyche into the ether and all will be revealed for one bajillonth of a nanosecond. Relief sought and delivered will wash seemingly infinite and eternal waves of peace and comfort through your spirit being and surround you in the warmth and light of the ultimate joy only accessed by knowing absolute multiversal truth. Moment of silence for my corrupted innocence.

Such illusory glimpses have descended upon my countenance so often they no longer inspire gratitude. Some staged 'coincidence' doesn't amuse or delight me. It irritates me. It's static interference. All that is not absence is shunned. All that holds energy contains ego. Ego is exhausting. To rest and to rest without consciousness is the only matter. After the human sleeps, it must also wake. I do not rest when I sleep. I do not awake feeling as if I have been renewed, or as if my proverbial batteries have been charged. Lucid dreaming ain't no great shakes, either. It's another motherfucking day at the office. DMT for recreation and opening your 'third eye?' Slow down partner, have some of mine, I've got 40,000 years of it stored in my g-nomes. I'm pretty much over it, yo. I yearn to achieve nonexistence, and only seem to end up creating new dimensions and generating ever more fuel to power these psychic mindfields, assuring the continued survival of the self I simultaneously reject and yet decry as stolen- my identity, my consciousness, my memory. If only obliteration was an option, if only killing it was possible.

[TruthWielder]

Some really good thoughts and observations but do you have an overarching point?

[Blizzard Spock]

Point is topirimate side effects have had me basically tripping for three days and I'm tolerating it because I'm waiting to notice appreciable benefits (or not) before I discontinue. Insomnia, disjointed thoughts, word loss are all noted in some patients.

Edit- I forgot to add forgetfulness. I forgot to mention a lot of things upon rereading. I am worn out. I might have to give up on this one. It's like I'm riding it out as some sort of anti-vision quest. I'm quite grumpy right now.

[TruthWielder]

Point is topirimate side effects have had me basically tripping for three days and I'm tolerating it because I'm waiting to notice appreciable benefits (or not) before I discontinue. Insomnia, disjointed thoughts, word loss are all noted in some patients.

Edit- I forgot to add forgetfulness. I forgot to mention a lot of things upon rereading. I am worn out. I might have to give up on this one. It's like I'm riding it out as some sort of anti-vision quest. I'm quite grumpy right now.

Careful man. Just reread a book you love, take a walk to get some comfort food, watch Star Wars/Lord of the Rings (always helps me when I'm down), and smooth out the transition back to sobriety. You're good. Just relax.

[Blizzard Spock]

Topamax (topiramate) is used for epilepsy and migraine (mostly). I've been taking it as prescribed (off-label for another neurological anomaly) for two weeks and the titration seems to be somewhat overwhelming to my sensitive biochemistry. Most people find the drug sedating. Of course, it makes me feel like I've been slamming vodka Redbulls all night. One of the warnings is, "may cause depression." One of my thoughts was, "I may jump in the pool with my clothes on even thought it's 60 degrees out." When I say tripping, it's just for brevity's sake. I would say psychotic, but that word is so maligned and misunderstood. And also not accurate, as reality truly is subjective in mind matters. Not just subjective, but often entirely unknown.

Well, anygays... I do get tired putting up with the demands of being so hyper-aware of my environment, and by that I mean so affected by every stimulus- internal and external, sensed or perceived. Then, of course there is the responsibility of what I have to do with such an overload of information, which of course is to translate and analyze its millions of forms. This is probably why after one particularly arduous journey to the locked ward, I arrived speaking Korean as fluently as a 6th grade soldier, despite only ever having thumbed through my SO's Department of Defense linguist education manual. Don't worry, I'm not a threat to national security or anything, my only secondary language skills that survived the fire are Spanglish.

And all I wanted was a Pepsi!!!!!!!!!

[TruthWielder]

Topamax (topiramate) is used for epilepsy and migraine (mostly). I've been taking it as prescribed (off-label for another neurological anomaly) for two weeks and the titration seems to be somewhat overwhelming to my sensitive biochemistry. Most people find the drug sedating. Of course, it makes me feel like I've been slamming vodka Redbulls all night. One of the warnings is, "may cause depression." One of my thoughts was, "I may jump in the pool with my clothes on even thought it's 60 degrees out." When I say tripping, it's just for brevity's sake. I would say psychotic, but that word is so maligned and misunderstood. And also not accurate, as reality truly is subjective in mind matters. Not just subjective, but often entirely unknown.

Well, anygays... I do get tired putting up with the demands of being so hyper-aware of my environment, and by that I mean so affected by every stimulus- internal and external, sensed or perceived. Then, of course there is the responsibility of what I have to do with such an overload of information, which of course is to translate and analyze its millions of forms. This is probably why after one particularly arduous journey to the locked ward, I arrived speaking Korean as fluently as a 6th grade soldier, despite only ever having thumbed through my SO's Department of Defense linguist education manual. Don't worry, I'm not a threat to national security or anything, my only secondary language skills that survived the fire are Spanglish.

And all I wanted was a Pepsi!!!!!!!!!


...ok. :)

[Kilyke]

I yearn to achieve nonexistence, and only seem to end up creating new dimensions and generating ever more fuel to power these psychic mindfields, assuring the continued survival of the self I simultaneously reject and yet decry as stolen- my identity, my consciousness, my memory. If only obliteration was an option, if only killing it was possible

Why isn't it possible? All is stardust and all returns to dust. Anything that is alive can be killed. The only thing that survives is the past, is memory. But is that real? Memory fades in time. All is impermanent; there's no need to speed the process.

[Blizzard Spock]

The psychic construction I am witness to is everything but impermanent. It supersedes stardust and transcends definitive notions of life, death, past, present, and future. It's contained in the memory of muscles unknown. I cannot claim to know if and when this particular consciousness I presently own will submit to obsolesence. I can tell you that the identity it assumes has been imparted by infinities of such imperceptible production that I hypothesize this thought monster is a perpetual machine.

Edit- No longer tripping on Topamax. These are lucid ruminations recreated from memories of schism. And so it goes...

[Kilyke]

Um, I think I disagree with you about impermanence, but so it goes.

Let me ask you another question: why would you want it to be destroyed?
And I'm a little fuzzy on what *it* is.

P.S. Overall, I'm a fan of what you've written.

[Blizzard Spock]

"It" is a malevolent, shape-shifting entity that preys on primal fears and is most often represented by "Pennywise the Dancing Clown," though It was shown as a giant spider in Its last known physical form ;)

Why I would want to kill It-

1.) Psychopathology

2.) Suicidal Tendencies (the Pepsi reference for the three people who might read this.)

[Kilyke]

So... hating life causes wanting the obliteration of something that transcends life and death?

You seem to be talking about a sort of universal order.... existence itself...
What is this "psychic construction"?

The transcendent experience you described sounded pretty awesome, I'm just trying to figure out why you're sick of that.

[Blizzard Spock]

The best definition of these psychic constructions that I refer to is purely figurative, think something like "sandcastles in the sky." Or more accurately, skyscrapers. It's not exactly a concrete or quantifiable concept, more of an innate perception that the energy produced by thought is constantly building new neuronets to ensnare and occupy space in the ether. This psychic (if you will) phenomena then evolves so as to separate itself from the sentient entity of its inception (my tired brain). These newborn baby thoughts multiply and divide independent of any deliberate action on my part. The invisible patterns generated by this activity link to and intertwine with the collective unconscious in such a way as to further ensure that no thought is inconsequential to the proverbial fabric and general well-being of our higher existence. This puts the thrust on each contributing mind to safeguard our imagined world from the pollution of mental garbage. Even accidental spillage adversely affects what should be an assuringly peaceful landscape. If I am cognizant of this experience unfolding around me, the ensuing revelation of this intuition can be exhausting, overwhelming, and tiresome. I put inordinate pressure on myself to shun the negative thinking I've been conditioned to accept as second nature. I assume responsibility for more than my little corner of the puzzle because I know others are blissfully unaware of the process which is, in its essence, the whole of creation.

Meh. It's easier to bear the weight of such insight if I call it a delusion. Seems safer to humanity that way.

[Kilyke]

The best definition of these psychic constructions that I refer to is purely figurative, think something like "sandcastles in the sky." Or more accurately, skyscrapers. It's not exactly a concrete or quantifiable concept, more of an innate perception that the energy produced by thought is constantly building new neuronets to ensnare and occupy space in the ether.

Personified, figurative energy... hmm. A thought is a thought; it doesn't exist in a physical sense... physical energy... does not apply. I assume you're talking about psychic energy, getting into the realms of metaphysics/magic... but then you talk about space and ether. . . I'm confused. To me, I don't believe in psychic phenomena... I don't believe in magic.



This psychic (if you will) phenomena then evolves so as to separate itself from the sentient entity of its inception (my tired brain). These newborn baby thoughts multiply and divide independent of any deliberate action on my part. The invisible patterns generated by this activity link to and intertwine with the collective unconscious in such a way as to further ensure that no thought is inconsequential to the proverbial fabric and general well-being of our higher existence.


If you say so.

This puts the thrust on each contributing mind to safeguard our imagined world from the pollution of mental garbage.


It doesn't seem like a process we're much in control of.


Even accidental spillage adversely affects what should be an assuringly peaceful landscape. If I am cognizant of this experience unfolding around me, the ensuing revelation of this intuition can be exhausting, overwhelming, and tiresome. I put inordinate pressure on myself to shun the negative thinking I've been conditioned to accept as second nature. I assume responsibility for more than my little corner of the puzzle because I know others are blissfully unaware of the process which is, in its essence, the whole of creation.

Meh. It's easier to bear the weight of such insight if I call it a delusion. Seems safer to humanity that way.

Somehow it seems like positive thinking "shouldn't" be that difficult. Even with your description of what is, to me, an incomprehensible process, you have to realize that the pressure you're putting on yourself is a kind of negative thinking.

Your mission is not to be an urban engineer but a cartographer, non-judgmentally charting the city. Its when we cease being an artist and begin being a scientist that our art truly develops. If trying harder doesn't work, work differently.

...and cue in more cliches... and... cut.

Ideas? Counterstrikes?

[Rizzo in a box]

Separative-thought-structures FTL!


Personified, figurative energy... hmm. A thought is a thought; it doesn't exist in a physical sense... physical energy... does not apply. I assume you're talking about psychic energy, getting into the realms of metaphysics/magic... but then you talk about space and ether. . . I'm confused. To me, I don't believe in psychic phenomena... I don't believe in magic.

Mind is matter...

I don't believe in magic, and yet I am an adept & an alchemist. belief has nothing to do with anything, except as another form of vanity.

OP: Stop indulging yrself. Big baby.

[Kilyke]

Except "separative thought structures" are also the norm.

Belief has everything to do with it. If I didn't believe the sun would come up tomorrow, I wouldn't go to bed tonight. I don't believe in magic, therefore I can't use magic to explain things to myself.

Indulging? How?

[Blizzard Spock]

If you say so.It's a persistent delusion.


It doesn't seem like a process we're much in control of.
Exactly.


you have to realize that the pressure you're putting on yourself is a kind of negative thinking.Definitely.

Your mission is not to be an urban engineer but a cartographer, non-judgmentally charting the city. Its when we cease being an artist and begin being a scientist that our art truly develops. If trying harder doesn't work, work differently.I like the analogy and appreciate the perspective.

...and cue in more cliches... and... cut.Well, there's only so much delving one can do into esoteria. I didn't find your read cliched at all.

Ideas?

Three days worth of 12 hour naps helped to deflate the grandeur and reorder the thought process.

[Blizzard Spock]

OP: Stop indulging yrself. Big baby.

Well, that's an improvement over "Die in a fire."

By the way, someone who engineers, manufactures, consumes (and possibly distributes) psychoactive intoxicants as a hedonistic sport is not one I would look at to determine what is or is not indulgent.