I Showed Her My Poem

[RosettaStoned]

I Showed Her My Poem
I showed her my poem.
I could tell the line that
Her eyes danced upon
When the creases in her face,
Endless folds, crumpled up
and tossed away,
Deepened and progressed
Like desolate sands
Moving through the empty
breeze.


Lemme know what you guys think. Comment/questions/criticisms welcome as always. And for fuck's sake, this not being able to format text is pissing me off. *Runs to suggestions board*.

[Shaggy]

Makes me think of weird shit. Like loneliness weird shit.

[drBOX]

expand it?
seems like a short description more than a poem- background, what happens after?

your words make me think that an older person is reading the poem.

[RosettaStoned]

your words make me think that an older person is reading the poem.

Excellent. Yea man, that's exactly what it is. But I didn't feel much like expanding it. I mean, I might try it just to see what it's like y'know. But I guess the importance needs to be placed on the woman reading the poem, and not the content of the poem, or anything else like that. What happens afterwords is also irrelevant.

Well actually, I'll get some more opinions then try to decide what I'm going to do with it.


Oh and also Shaggy, yea, not necessarily loneliness, but rather a separation or boundaries between people due to a lack of understanding of one another.

[Lord hang man]

Ook so you want form eh?

I like the emotion here but with a larger playing field so to speak(more interaction) you can really get more out there into the game. Try to delve deeper into your own feelings next go. You made it apparent this piece is more about interactions and inferences, than the subject matter per se.

[RosettaStoned]

Ook so you want form eh?

I like the emotion here but with a larger playing field so to speak(more interaction) you can really get more out there into the game. Try to delve deeper into your own feelings next go. You made it apparent this piece is more about interactions and inferences, than the subject matter per se.

Yea, you make a good point with that. Unfortunately, I based this on something very specific that happened to me, so there's things that I can get from it that the reader can't because there's nothing to base it off of. So I'll have to re-work this poem if I even want to keep it. Thanks for the feedback though :D.