Friends? and cutting the deadweight

[Nolte]

1. You have a large number of friends that aren't actually your friends. You have the occasional enjoyable experience with them. At the same time though, They don't care about you at all. They don't help you in any way. They don't care what happens to you. They are drug and alcohol addicts. These people very often uses phrases like "bringing ________ to the table" or "what can/do you bring to the table?". When you can't because you're either broke, don't have drugs or alcohol (or the desire to get high), a place to hang out, or car to get around in... they want extremely little to do with you. Some of your most intimate moments (non-sexually) and deep, meaningful conversations were shared with these people, but it was always because of drugs.

2. You decide to cut all these people out of your life because you see them as deadweight. You realize that they have more of an interest in what they can get from you than they do in you as a human being. You feel like they were just dragging you down into their world of social decay, extreme substance abuse and desperation. The problem is now that you have no longer have "friends" to be around. Your clean, your sober, but your life is almost completely lacking social interaction. You just can't seem to find anyone in your world who you find interesting and would like to develp a friendly relationship with, just more and more people like the toxic friends that you had before.


Which lifestyle do you people think is better?

[Namaste]

both kind of suck, but i say the first option wouldn't suck so bad. social interaction is important, and even if it's with sucky people at least you get some social interaction of some sort.

[Nolte]

both kind of suck, but i say the first option wouldn't suck so bad. social interaction is important, and even if it's with sucky people at least you get some social interaction of some sort.

I agree that social interaction is important. But is it worth it when in their environment, you can almost feel your physical and mental health deteriorating at a rapid pace?

[Mr.Happy]

Consider your own feelings towards those messhead friends before you judge them. How much do your care about them as individuals, and how much do you care about what they bring to the table?

[Namaste]

I agree that social interaction is important. But is it worth it when in their environment, you can almost feel your physical and mental health deteriorating at a rapid pace?

It'd be worth it to me, I think... maybe not to everyone. But I tend to get REALLY lonely, I feel a need to be around people, even people I don't like or don't like me, even people who aren't necessarily the best people to hang around, in my opinion anything is better than nothing.

That being said, other people may feel differently, I suppose it's different from person to person, if someone is kind of a loner, and can go long periods of time without human interaction, without it having an adverse effect on their mental health, then option two might be more suited to that particular person.

[Nolte]

Consider your own feelings towards those messhead friends before you judge them. How much do your care about them as individuals, and how much do you care about what they bring to the table?

Solid point.

To answer those two questions, I do care about them as individuals but I just rarely feel like it's a mutual feeling. I feel sad to myself while observing their ever downward spiral and endless state of misery. I try to come up with as many ways that I can to make them feel better, it also makes me feel better. They very seldom bring anything to the table other than their company and good laughs which is all I'm really in it for anyway, so it doesn't bother me. It bothers me how they can expect more than just that out of everyone else in their friendships. I hate to say it, but sometimes they can be the very definition of parasites.

[Lman1578]

It'd be worth it to me, I think... maybe not to everyone. But I tend to get REALLY lonely, I feel a need to be around people, even people I don't like or don't like me, even people who aren't necessarily the best people to hang around, in my opinion anything is better than nothing.

That being said, other people may feel differently, I suppose it's different from person to person, if someone is kind of a loner, and can go long periods of time without human interaction, without it having an adverse effect on their mental health, then option two might be more suited to that particular person.

I can understand this, even when im alone for a few hours or maybe a day i get very lonely. But, really think about it, in Option 1 you will never be somebody, you will be used, and you will be taken advantage of, they are not your friends, and thus you shouldnt waste your time on them. With option 2 maybe it will see like you dont have any friends, but once the clouds clear you will see that theres always people there for you, sometimes its hard to tell but there always is you just have to look hard enough. You will also be your own man/woman (dunno if ur a penis or a pussy) and eventually you will make true friends.

Life is always changing, in highschool i had tons of friends, i was pretty popular i guess you could say, but i havent even seen one of them in years. None of them were true friends, and it was the same story in college as well. My best friends come from elementary school and my two brothers i suppose. I actually dont have many friends at the moment.

[Mr.Happy]

Well, it can be a mistake to assume that nobody else thinks the way you do. Maybe talk to those amongst them you feel closest to, discuss the way you feel about the whole lifestyle you and they are involved in. The worst that can happen is that you alienate some people you're thinking of cutting out anyway. The best that can happen is that you find common ground and forge a deeper connection. It would be unusual if you were the only person who's getting tired of the whole situation, even if a lot of them aren't.

You sound like a good friend who's maybe getting used a bit by hedonistic people who aren't good friends to others. Which is a pity, but d'you really think you're the only one like that in this group?

If you think that nobody else seems like that, think about how you present yourself to this group and what they'd know about how you actually feel when you're around 'em.

Again, try talking it out with some of the people you feel the closest connections to. Maybe you'll get a surprise.

[Phlegm!]

Clear the air, don't stifle yourself with all these negative thoughts, if you do then it will be broadcasted to your friends anyway, because of the long face you're dragging around. Get with people on your level, or at least point out where their going wrong with constructive criticism (without running them down, as it might be the case with insecure people, who blow things out of proportion). So yah, just let off some steam, but remember that you're treading on thin ice, and don't want to batter any ego's these fellas hold dear to their hearts.

[Full Frontal]

You needn't sever ties with your deadbeat friends quite so... severely...

Just find some good friends that are a positive influence on your life. See your old friends every now and then but eventually get the message across that you had planned to do something with your new friends first and that they've taken priority over them.

This in itself helped me filter out some of my deadbeat friends. It'd be like "Hey Ocular, what're you doing this weekend? Want to bum around my squalor and pay for our weed, booze and food?"

"Oh sorry man. I'm going out with Rockular and his friends to this cocktail bar (expensive.) Then after we're going to Occullette's (prim and proper girl's mansion) place for the night. I'm not sure if Occullette is cool with you guys but you're more than welcome to join us at the bar if you can scrounge up enough change."

Economic barriers are just one example though (which is probably more suited to your situation.) Usually I just find myself doing positive things with these guys that some of my old friends just don't get.

[CanadianPenguin]

1. You have a large number of friends that aren't actually your friends. You have the occasional enjoyable experience with them. At the same time though, They don't care about you at all. They don't help you in any way. They don't care what happens to you. They are drug and alcohol addicts. These people very often uses phrases like "bringing ________ to the table" or "what can/do you bring to the table?". When you can't because you're either broke, don't have drugs or alcohol (or the desire to get high), a place to hang out, or car to get around in... they want extremely little to do with you. Some of your most intimate moments (non-sexually) and deep, meaningful conversations were shared with these people, but it was always because of drugs.

2. You decide to cut all these people out of your life because you see them as deadweight. You realize that they have more of an interest in what they can get from you than they do in you as a human being. You feel like they were just dragging you down into their world of social decay, extreme substance abuse and desperation. The problem is now that you have no longer have "friends" to be around. Your clean, your sober, but your life is almost completely lacking social interaction. You just can't seem to find anyone in your world who you find interesting and would like to develp a friendly relationship with, just more and more people like the toxic friends that you had before.


Which lifestyle do you people think is better?

this happend to me, but the i moved on found less but smarter friends and kept some who also left the idiots behind.
If you want to do well in the system leave them behind, if you want to do okay in the system with lots of friends keep them.

[Namaste]

I can understand this, even when im alone for a few hours or maybe a day i get very lonely. But, really think about it, in Option 1 you will never be somebody, you will be used, and you will be taken advantage of, they are not your friends, and thus you shouldnt waste your time on them. With option 2 maybe it will see like you dont have any friends, but once the clouds clear you will see that theres always people there for you, sometimes its hard to tell but there always is you just have to look hard enough. You will also be your own man/woman (dunno if ur a penis or a pussy) and eventually you will make true friends.

Life is always changing, in highschool i had tons of friends, i was pretty popular i guess you could say, but i havent even seen one of them in years. None of them were true friends, and it was the same story in college as well. My best friends come from elementary school and my two brothers i suppose. I actually dont have many friends at the moment.

Well, in my case, I'll never be anybody anyway, and I don't really have friends. And I will probably never have friends, as now, I'm pretty much too terrified to leave my house...
(Yeah, I have issues I need to work out.)
But I'd rather have someone to hang out with every now and then. It'd be better than being stuck here alone all the time.

[Zay]

1. You have a large number of friends that aren't actually your friends. You have the occasional enjoyable experience with them. At the same time though, They don't care about you at all. They don't help you in any way. They don't care what happens to you. They are drug and alcohol addicts. These people very often uses phrases like "bringing ________ to the table" or "what can/do you bring to the table?". When you can't because you're either broke, don't have drugs or alcohol (or the desire to get high), a place to hang out, or car to get around in... they want extremely little to do with you. Some of your most intimate moments (non-sexually) and deep, meaningful conversations were shared with these people, but it was always because of drugs.

2. You decide to cut all these people out of your life because you see them as deadweight. You realize that they have more of an interest in what they can get from you than they do in you as a human being. You feel like they were just dragging you down into their world of social decay, extreme substance abuse and desperation. The problem is now that you have no longer have "friends" to be around. Your clean, your sober, but your life is almost completely lacking social interaction. You just can't seem to find anyone in your world who you find interesting and would like to develp a friendly relationship with, just more and more people like the toxic friends that you had before.


Which lifestyle do you people think is better?

This is a great post that a lot of people can relate to. First of all, congrats on having the balls to cut corrupt relationships out of your life. Second of all, the latter is definitely the better choice. You've set up a filter for people, and you'll find a lot less people that live up to your standards, but those people will mean a lot more to you than random parties as photo-ops for your facebook chronicles.

[cellophane]

Option 2.

I don't burn with people I don't like. Or with people who don't like me. I've been friends with all my stoner friends since before we discovered drugs. Most of them call and chat me up every once in a while. I can't stand leeches. I used to hang with people like that. Then I saw them fir what they were. Oh well. Fuck them.

[Mr.Happy]

Second of all, the latter is definitely the better choice. You've set up a filter for people, and you'll find a lot less people that live up to your standards, but those people will mean a lot more to you than random parties as photo-ops for your facebook chronicles.

You know, I take great pleasure in my legions of acquaintances. You don't need to have a deep connection with someone to have a great fuckin' time with them. Sometimes it's more fun to be around people you don't have that deep connection with, you can dick around and do what you like. It indulges entirely different needs to meaningful friendships, and there's certainly no reason you can't have both.

It's only unhealthy to have loads of people in your life like that if you have unrealistic expectations about what you'll get out of them. Plus, who's to say that your standards are somewhat imperfect and you end up distancing yourself from people who would otherwise end up as great friends? Some of the people I'm now closest to are people I didn't particularly like on early impressions.