Death_Merchant
02-07-2009, 08:08 PM
I hear a lot of stories here about this and that, fidelity issues, etc... For me, I've had few issues with relationships. I'll tell you about my mentality with dealing with relationships. Feel free to ask specific questions as it will be general to save my time and to not have to write a book.
There are a few things that you absolutely must have or do to make a relationship work.
The main one is to love your partner in life. Love is the ground that you build everything upon, and without this foundation, you have no hope in making anything work. All things can be conquered if you truly love someone. However, you also must know when you both want something too different, respect it, and move on to find someone who shares a closer mindset to yours
The other things you must do, is be understanding, forgiving, and have open communication based on honesty and trust. Respect for the others individuality is very important. Relationships are reciprocal, so don't expect more than what you're willing to put into one.
The first thing you should never do, is expect someone to follow your guidelines. They simply won't, and it will always lead to disappointment. You can sway their actions and mentality, but it is ultimately up to them to decide how they will conduct themselves. Most people trip themselves up big time by trying to force a conduct on their partners. When you love someone, you respect their individuality, and respect their varying views and conduct.
A real big issue for a lot of people on this site, and generally in life, is fidelity. Some people will make this the be all and end all of a relationship. This is absolutely a joke to me. Statistically speaking, the odds are seriously against you if you think you're going to find someone who can be this. It can happen, but statistically the odds are against it. Also, when you create this expectation on a person, and tell them there will be no forgiveness or compromise, you basically have destroyed open communication, honesty, and trust, if they are unfaithful. They won't tell you if it happens, so they will deceive you. Another major problem with this zero tolerance demand, is that a lot of people will do self-destructive things in a relationship, if they feel things aren't going great at the moment. Most of these things are minor, and can be overcome through open communication. However, if you make this demand, they might have sex with someone if it's seen as a relationship ender, just because they feel wavered and know it will end things. Destroys countless relationships that could be easily salvaged. They aren't likely to do this if you aren't making this demand outright.
When dealing with this kind of problem, you must remember one thing. People are not mate for life creatures, our emotions can get the better of us, and we can all make mistakes. In the right situations, anyone will cheat, with the exception of a few very strong-willed people. This is where understanding comes into play. You must know that this stuff happens, quite often actually. It doesn't equate to them not loving you, or trying to hurt you, in every situation. Some people just need something different, or have simply been seduced really well, and errored. If you've done your best in the communication department, your partner will tell you what honestly happened. This is the time you think about the situation, and not just react. This might waver your trust in them slightly, but if they can't talk to you about it at all, and you find out on your own, all trust will be gone. You are just as much at fault for creating a situation where they aren't comfortable telling you, cause you aren't understanding.
From this point, you discuss what has happened, why, and how to keep it from happening in the future. The answers could be a variety of things. Maybe they've realized that monogamy isn't right for them. From here, you might accept this position, leave them, or join them. Maybe it was just a bad situation, and they let their instincts get the best of them. Understanding this situation, and working to eliminate the same thing happening again, will be your task if this happens. Help them realize that they can't be alone with certain men or women, and how to spot these situations. It usually works wonders to do this. Another situation could be that they honestly aren't in love with you anymore, or feel the relationship isn't what they want. It's probably time to move on if this is the case.
I would also like to mention there is a big difference between sex, and an affair. Sex, is more of a random thing, possibly just the heat of the moment caused it. An affair, is when they aren't just fucking someone else, but actually establishing a relationship, bot personal and sexual. This doesn't always mean it's over with you, but likely does. Some people are comfortable with this situation, and do the same as well without seriously damaging the relationship with their GF or wife. Most people aren't mentally capable of this, so if they aren't willing to end their affair, leave.
I will offer advice for any scenario you throw at me.
Another one is fighting. Conflicts are a normal occurrence between two people, especially when you share your lives daily, and your decisions affect the other greatly. Understanding and communication is key here. You have to be open to your partners side of things, and willing to tell her exactly how you feel about the problem. Learn to develop conflict resolutions skills that fit your dynamic, and remember to keep in mind that you love them, and that it's worth it to solve problems. This varies a great deal from relationship to relationship. I've met some who get into yelling matches, some that physically fight, and others who calmly talk, with all having great success in solving the problem. Heated arguments can lead to some very passionate sex sometimes too. There is only a problem when yelling matches and physical matches are only to hurt the other person, and no problems are ever solved. I know it sounds funny that some couples beat each other up, or yell, but some people really just can't speak their mind until they do. This doesn't always equate to abuse, unless one of the parties is resorting to it to bully the other. It's strange how some people deal with things. I've met a couple who genuinely liked to fight each other for fun. The woman liked aggressive sex, so she would start a fight just to get it. He enjoyed being put into a rage too. Relationship dynamics are very odd indeed.
The only other thing I can think to add at this moment, is having some kind of aggreance about direction. Where you want to be in life in 5, 10, 25 years. Whether you want kids, and how many. Whether you want marriage. What kind of relationship and lifestyle you wish to lead, etc. Find out what each others goals are and formulate ways to help each other reach them. Once again, understanding, open communication, and respect for the other is key.
There are a few things that you absolutely must have or do to make a relationship work.
The main one is to love your partner in life. Love is the ground that you build everything upon, and without this foundation, you have no hope in making anything work. All things can be conquered if you truly love someone. However, you also must know when you both want something too different, respect it, and move on to find someone who shares a closer mindset to yours
The other things you must do, is be understanding, forgiving, and have open communication based on honesty and trust. Respect for the others individuality is very important. Relationships are reciprocal, so don't expect more than what you're willing to put into one.
The first thing you should never do, is expect someone to follow your guidelines. They simply won't, and it will always lead to disappointment. You can sway their actions and mentality, but it is ultimately up to them to decide how they will conduct themselves. Most people trip themselves up big time by trying to force a conduct on their partners. When you love someone, you respect their individuality, and respect their varying views and conduct.
A real big issue for a lot of people on this site, and generally in life, is fidelity. Some people will make this the be all and end all of a relationship. This is absolutely a joke to me. Statistically speaking, the odds are seriously against you if you think you're going to find someone who can be this. It can happen, but statistically the odds are against it. Also, when you create this expectation on a person, and tell them there will be no forgiveness or compromise, you basically have destroyed open communication, honesty, and trust, if they are unfaithful. They won't tell you if it happens, so they will deceive you. Another major problem with this zero tolerance demand, is that a lot of people will do self-destructive things in a relationship, if they feel things aren't going great at the moment. Most of these things are minor, and can be overcome through open communication. However, if you make this demand, they might have sex with someone if it's seen as a relationship ender, just because they feel wavered and know it will end things. Destroys countless relationships that could be easily salvaged. They aren't likely to do this if you aren't making this demand outright.
When dealing with this kind of problem, you must remember one thing. People are not mate for life creatures, our emotions can get the better of us, and we can all make mistakes. In the right situations, anyone will cheat, with the exception of a few very strong-willed people. This is where understanding comes into play. You must know that this stuff happens, quite often actually. It doesn't equate to them not loving you, or trying to hurt you, in every situation. Some people just need something different, or have simply been seduced really well, and errored. If you've done your best in the communication department, your partner will tell you what honestly happened. This is the time you think about the situation, and not just react. This might waver your trust in them slightly, but if they can't talk to you about it at all, and you find out on your own, all trust will be gone. You are just as much at fault for creating a situation where they aren't comfortable telling you, cause you aren't understanding.
From this point, you discuss what has happened, why, and how to keep it from happening in the future. The answers could be a variety of things. Maybe they've realized that monogamy isn't right for them. From here, you might accept this position, leave them, or join them. Maybe it was just a bad situation, and they let their instincts get the best of them. Understanding this situation, and working to eliminate the same thing happening again, will be your task if this happens. Help them realize that they can't be alone with certain men or women, and how to spot these situations. It usually works wonders to do this. Another situation could be that they honestly aren't in love with you anymore, or feel the relationship isn't what they want. It's probably time to move on if this is the case.
I would also like to mention there is a big difference between sex, and an affair. Sex, is more of a random thing, possibly just the heat of the moment caused it. An affair, is when they aren't just fucking someone else, but actually establishing a relationship, bot personal and sexual. This doesn't always mean it's over with you, but likely does. Some people are comfortable with this situation, and do the same as well without seriously damaging the relationship with their GF or wife. Most people aren't mentally capable of this, so if they aren't willing to end their affair, leave.
I will offer advice for any scenario you throw at me.
Another one is fighting. Conflicts are a normal occurrence between two people, especially when you share your lives daily, and your decisions affect the other greatly. Understanding and communication is key here. You have to be open to your partners side of things, and willing to tell her exactly how you feel about the problem. Learn to develop conflict resolutions skills that fit your dynamic, and remember to keep in mind that you love them, and that it's worth it to solve problems. This varies a great deal from relationship to relationship. I've met some who get into yelling matches, some that physically fight, and others who calmly talk, with all having great success in solving the problem. Heated arguments can lead to some very passionate sex sometimes too. There is only a problem when yelling matches and physical matches are only to hurt the other person, and no problems are ever solved. I know it sounds funny that some couples beat each other up, or yell, but some people really just can't speak their mind until they do. This doesn't always equate to abuse, unless one of the parties is resorting to it to bully the other. It's strange how some people deal with things. I've met a couple who genuinely liked to fight each other for fun. The woman liked aggressive sex, so she would start a fight just to get it. He enjoyed being put into a rage too. Relationship dynamics are very odd indeed.
The only other thing I can think to add at this moment, is having some kind of aggreance about direction. Where you want to be in life in 5, 10, 25 years. Whether you want kids, and how many. Whether you want marriage. What kind of relationship and lifestyle you wish to lead, etc. Find out what each others goals are and formulate ways to help each other reach them. Once again, understanding, open communication, and respect for the other is key.