PDA

View Full Version : The perch poop (My testimony)


Marijuanasaurus
12-06-2009, 06:16 AM
I first read about the perch poop in the GS forums. At first glance i was intrigued. Not only do i love pooping, but i love squatting as well. I also love a clean colon, so i was tempted to try it out.

As i pulled my pants down to my ankle, my puppies began biting at my ankles. But that wasnta problem, because they wouldnt be on the floor for long. I pulled my pants off around my ankles, grabbed onto the counter for support, and placed my foot up on the toilet seat. I got my next foot up on the toilet seat and assumed the position. This was a very awkward position to be in, but it was well worth it.

As i contracted my anal muscles, I felt my sphincter loosen up a bit. The first turd broke through with great velocity. It was followed by another link, occasionally being pinched off by my sphincter. Was i dreaming, or was my poo coming out at a full force 50 mph? As the turd hit the water like a nuclear missile, water splashed up on my ass cheaks, around my back, and onto my head, as i shook off my hair and laughed with glee. It was a joyous moment indeed. I was covered in toilet water, but my bowels were clean.

I put my pants back on, flushed the toilet, and walked around with a new found confidence, knowing my colon was clean. I recommend everybody try this advanced pooping technique for themselves. Just read these testimonies of other people who have tried the perch poop and loved it.

- "My wife used to force me to sleep on the couch because my farts stank so bad. But thanks to perch poop, my colon is clean and my farts are fresh. I still sleep on the couch though because shes a bitch."

- "I often take several shits a day during work. This is a major setback on production and i needed a better way to clear my anus. I found out about perch poop, and shared it with all my employees. Thanks to perch poop, there are less bathroom breaks, production has increased, and the janitor is enjoying his raise in pay."

- "Perch poo saved my marriage"

- "When i go poo in public bathrooms i don wanna take off my pants all the way cuz the floor is dirty. I tried the perch poo anyways and it works like a charm. My pants might be stained brown, and i may smell like poo, but goddamit my asshole has never felt cleaner."

There you have it folks. People everywhere are raving about the perch poo technique. So take off your pants and try the perch poo for yourself today. You wont regret it.

the internet jesus
12-06-2009, 06:37 AM
great

uncutdiamond
12-06-2009, 07:28 AM
I am a believer in the perch poop system.

I live in Thailand so sometimes there is no choice.

Ed Lister
12-07-2009, 02:51 AM
Oh yeah, a protip; throw some toilet paper in the bowl beforeshit to reduce splashage.

Uber_Apples
12-07-2009, 02:55 AM
So obviously I am going to ask:
What the fuck is perch pooping?

Mutant Funk Drink
12-07-2009, 02:57 AM
Dear god, man.

Vigilante
12-07-2009, 03:05 AM
Perch pooping is exactly what it sounds like... You perch on the toilet seat so that when you shit, fecal matter is released in a much cleaner and smoother fashion than typical sit and shit methods.. often allowing for a quicker and more straight forward trip to the restroom. You'll find this method allows fecal matter to be cleansed from the system, without excess traces of matter remaining around the sphincter. You'll save money on toilet paper as you'll find most of the time there will be no need for it. lol.

Uber_Apples
12-07-2009, 03:07 AM
Enjoy one day slipping and falling and breaking your back and then the ambulance calls you and is like lol wut and ur like perh capoopin brah.

Ed Lister
12-07-2009, 03:11 AM
Enjoy one day slipping and falling and breaking your back and then the ambulance calls you and is like lol wut and ur like perh capoopin brah.

Only someone as uncoordinated and retarded such as yourself would fall whilst perching. People like you shouldn't even be trusted with shitting sitting down let alone perching, you need a fucking lay-down toilet or something, for your own safety.

Uber_Apples
12-07-2009, 03:17 AM
Interesting... but what about those days when its not gonna come out clean. Also, some people get heart attacks and strokes while using the washroom, enjoy falling while I enjoy my brain aneurism sitting down.

Unwanted Prostate Exam
12-07-2009, 03:27 AM
Someone explain this shit position in more detail.

BoilingLeadBath
12-07-2009, 03:58 AM
These guys are trying to sell you a (unnecessary) product, so keep that in mind, but they explain the theoretical and epidemiological evidence for the position:

http://www.naturesplatform.com/health_benefits.htm

Vizier
12-07-2009, 04:17 AM
Is this shit going to become a meme in Zoklet, too? :D

Flex Rigid
12-07-2009, 08:32 PM
Not a meme, a revolution!

Dr rocker
12-07-2009, 11:00 PM
You you think I could put up a bar in the bathroom so relatives who dont have the leg streangth to hold them up could assist with the arms or would the pull on the top of the abs upset the movement?

Is this really a good way to clean an ass out, say for a wife, girlfriend other female relative?

BoilingLeadBath
12-07-2009, 11:31 PM
> support bar in the bathroom?

The Nature's-Platform people claim that most of the benefit is from:
1) The angle of the femur relative to the hip
2) The pressure of the right thigh against the valve between the upper & lower intestines.

So a bar shouldn't hurt too much, so long as the user doesn't use it to allow themselves to lean back (increasing the angle between the legs and the abdomen) or take up most of the weight (holy shit upper body strength!). In any case, a side bar is probably a good provision in case of a slip, but I'm have no training in ergonomics and I doubt OSHA has done research or has any recommendations.

> emptying bowels completely
Supposedly. All I can tell you is that, after a ~3 week acclimatization period, it feels better (less sphincter discomfort), I can squeeze my intestines harder (without using breathwork), and it is way faster.

/Way/ faster. Almost seems you can enter, empty, wipe, and your wash hands in less time than some people take to pee. Maybe you can if you are a woman and:
1) Have no ass-crack-hairs, so you can wipe faster
2) are comparing your times to how long it takes other women to urinate

Dr rocker
12-07-2009, 11:39 PM
> support bar in the bathroom?

The Nature's-Platform people claim that most of the benefit is from:
1) The angle of the femur relative to the hip
2) The pressure of the right thigh against the valve between the upper & lower intestines.

So a bar shouldn't hurt too much,
.....
> emptying bowels completely
Supposedly. All I can tell you is that, after a ~3 week acclimatization period, it feels better (less sphincter discomfort), I can squeeze my intestines harder (without using breathwork), and it is way faster.

/Way/

Cool. I work in an old peoples home and we are forever having to clean up shit. I wouldnt feel so bad for them if it was altzimers or dementia, but these are just cool old people you can have a convo with (many / most people are to deaf to have a convo with and hence go mad) and they just cant control themselves.

If I can help them to have a more thourough shit that would be great, it would give them a goal to work towards..

BoilingLeadBath
12-08-2009, 12:03 AM
In many countries, they have special toilets for this position. I think they are designed to reduce splashback and give a more stable footing surface... infact, it seems that most of them have the foot surface level with the floor. Seems like a big plus from a safety perspective, but would be expensive to retrofit.

If you are working at such a place, it seems like it would be best to get proper equipment, rather than causing (the perception of) a dangerous situation. They sell squat toilets which can be installed normally, but you'll probably have to order one.

Edit2: it may help to show your managers/whatever the following paper: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science?_ob=MImg&_imagekey=B6WN2-4C6SXF1-FX-1&_cdi=6950&_user=209810&_orig=search&_coverDate=07%2F31%2F1990&_sk=999679996&view=c&wchp=dGLbVtz-zSkWb&md5=ef734ddf627204fc49f4386fe4b2dacd&ie=/sdarticle.pdf

***

Edit:
I've been doing some reading since posting this. All I have to say is that, IMO, if the trial was expanded past 6 trial runs, the benefits of the squatting position would be more pronounced:
http://www.springerlink.com/content/rlu7151837n07562/fulltext.pdf

To elaborate, I feel that there's a certain degree of learning involved in the switch from a standard toilet to the new posture, and as such, the volunteers not only overestimated their times (continued attempt to empty the bowels past the point at which they were empty), but that their times were longer than they would have been after a couple months.

the internet jesus
12-21-2010, 06:32 PM
http://i55.tinypic.com/1pfbqh.gifI just thought we should bring this thread back.

reggie_love
12-24-2010, 12:26 AM
http://forum.cheatengine.org/files/what_the_fuck_am_i_reading_copy_142.jpg

nuclearrabbit
12-25-2010, 01:58 AM
I just tried it. Never again. I fell from the toilet, banged my head and passed out. I came to with shit all over everything. I'm not fucking joking, there was shit everywhere. On my toothbrush, under the sink, between the sheets of TP. I don't even fucking know. I had to get in the shower and cry for fifteen minutes. Fuck you, I hope you die in a similar pooping accident.

Mutant Funk Drink
12-25-2010, 03:29 AM
I just tried it. Never again. I fell from the toilet, banged my head and passed out. I came to with shit all over everything. I'm not fucking joking, there was shit everywhere. On my toothbrush, under the sink, between the sheets of TP. I don't even fucking know. I had to get in the shower and cry for fifteen minutes. Fuck you, I hope you die in a similar pooping accident.

Pics or it didn't happen.

Malice
12-25-2010, 10:10 AM
Honestly, if that happened to me I would take pics to show the internet.

minor69ner
12-25-2010, 10:49 AM
Oh yeah, a protip; throw some toilet paper in the bowl beforeshit to reduce splashage.

I originally learned this from a totse thread and have been doing it ever since :)

1983
12-25-2010, 01:09 PM
They had these in Dubia
http://charliegower.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/toilet_3.jpg
For all your rocket pooping needs.

Al

MunkeyQ
12-25-2010, 01:11 PM
They had these in Dubia
http://charliegower.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/toilet_3.jpg
For all your rocket pooping needs.

Al
Most slightly out-of-town toilets in Italy in train stations and so on also have those. No idea if it's the same for other European countries around it though.

http://amyletinsky.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/italian-squat-toilet.jpg?w=180&h=240

Quite annoying when someone's turd missile has horribly missed the landing zone and skidded along the floor next to it.

1983
12-25-2010, 01:14 PM
Most slightly out-of-town toilets in Italy in train stations and so on also have those. No idea if it's the same for other European countries around it though.

http://amyletinsky.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/italian-squat-toilet.jpg?w=180&h=240

Quite annoying when someone's turd missile has horribly missed the landing zone and skidded along the floor next to it.

That or when it explodes on launch destroying the landing pad and the people around it in one fell poop. :D

Al

MunkeyQ
12-25-2010, 01:21 PM
Is that watering can thing next to the turd hole for cleaning your jacksy with? Wouldn't fancy sharing that after it's been used for a few explosive curry shits.

Mr.Happy
12-25-2010, 01:27 PM
^ I assume it's a primitive extra flush for removing clingy poop stains.

They have public toilets like that in France and Germany too, that I've seen. Not always, but sometimes.

minor69ner
12-25-2010, 02:11 PM
LMFAO^

docus
12-25-2010, 02:58 PM
Perch pooping is excellent when you're camping in a rural area. When you're taking a walk and you suddenly, really need to take a dump, stop wasting time trying to find a toilet. Just dig a hole, squat, blast one off and be on your merry way. You'll never need more toilet paper than nature provides (just check the leaves for moth eggs... seriously) and it'll be the most satisfying shit you've ever taken in your life.

bumble
12-31-2010, 03:51 AM
http://www.zoklet.net/bbs/showthread.php?t=80622


You heard about it from me back in 09' :)

Bong McPuffin
12-31-2010, 04:07 AM
This is the best way to poop http://img823.imageshack.us/img823/8030/picture1jd.jpg !!!!!!!!!!!!

http://img839.imageshack.us/img839/377/dolphinc.png

negative_zero
12-31-2010, 04:13 AM
http://amyletinsky.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/italian-squat-toilet.jpg?w=180&h=240

We have these back home. One time as a kid I was taking a shit on one of those. Somehow I fell asleep and slipped and my foot ended up in the bowl right on my shit. I had poop all over/between my toes.

bumble
12-31-2010, 04:15 AM
How can you fall asleep while squatting?

negative_zero
12-31-2010, 04:17 AM
I'd happened often.

reggie_love
01-01-2011, 08:30 AM
How can you fall asleep while squatting?

http://www.badgerwest.com/images/TaakaVodka.jpg
That's how.

plehem12
01-06-2011, 02:57 PM
here they have port-a-shitters for US soldiers and ones for the local nationals. the local national ones are specially made for perching, because apparently middle eastern people are perch poopers. this is the first time i have seen that. it makes me uncomfortable and scared when i accidentally walk into a perch pooper portajohn. i dont approve of it. its unamerican and supports terrorism. TERRORIST

1983
01-06-2011, 08:28 PM
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_2dmY03vm98A/TMSwz-aiY-I/AAAAAAAAAjs/CkDmAHyJGAE/s1600/coke_diarrhea.jpg

The ultimate in perch pooping tec brought to you by poverty. Poverty! Making people eat less and poop more since the cretaceous period.
Sponsered by Coke. :p

:D

Al

Son of Liberty
01-06-2011, 09:23 PM
this is fucking silly. I save this awesome method of pinch'n loaves only for when I'm camping. Dig that shit hole 8'' deep, perch, drop cargo, wipe clean with well-selected rocks, bury and forget - FTW!!

Bong McPuffin
01-06-2011, 10:25 PM
I think getting a colostomy bag as like an elective surgery (non essential, just out of pure laziness) would be awesome.

Imagine if you could just get a roll of bags/cheap bottles to fill up and throw-away? You wouldn't even have to stop moving really, just clamp the hose and un-clip the bag and put a new one on and un-clamp the hose and resume passive pooping. Just imagine how much time you'd save not sitting on the toilet. Wiping your ass would be a thing of the past.

It would also effective make it easier to sterilize your ass so if you're like HTS you can stash some handy stuff in your ass and its not gonna get all shitty. You never know when you're going to need a highlighter (http://i51.tinypic.com/a3nvco.jpg) or a jar of jelly (http://poetry.rotten.com/potatoes-n-jelly/0003/) or a potato (http://poetry.rotten.com/potatoes-n-jelly/0004/).

You know, because shit happens (http://poetry.rotten.com/potatoes-n-jelly/0006/).

Malice
01-07-2011, 02:47 AM
Wow, HTS looks a lot manlier now.