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Old 03-12-2012, 09:57 PM
Satyr Satyr is offline
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Default John Carter

Made me want to scratch my eyes out with a rusty pitchfork.

This weekend I went to see the movie with my girlfriend and her little brother. I had never even heard of the movie, and neither had she. But the little man really wanted to see it, so we thought 'what the heck'.

It's been a long time since I've been to the cinema. Needless to say that I was quite surprised when I had to put down 12 bucks to watch a movie. I had never seen a movie in 3D either.

We went to our seats and sat down. Movie starts, and so did my 2-hour torture session. From now on, I will just piss pure acid about the movie.

It is honestly the biggest pile of shit I have seen in a long time. It's like they took a huge tank with hot diarrhea and dunked over the screen. After I came home, I had to take a shower. I felt dirty because of all the shit that splattered from the screen. I wanted to scrub my eyeballs.

Why does the movie suck so much, you ask?

Well, first and foremost: the actors suck an incredible amount of balls. I couldn't take the dialogue seriously. I sat there, clenching my fists. Cringing in my seat because of the painful lines they shat out of their mouth with a straight face.

The actors aren't entirely to blame though. The dialogue was incredibly dull, boring and badly written. Nothing interesting is being said. But then again, it's impossible to write good dialogue when

the story sucks. It really sucks. Cavalryman ends up on Mars and can jump really high. Woohoo. On Mars, or Barsoom, he finds out that people live there. And for some obscure reason, they're at war. You never really find out why though. One has red flags, the other blue. That's the reason, I guess. Yeah, they have names. But I've completely forgotten them. And then there's the primitive Tharks. They just fall in between and want to see both factions die. They really are just Native Americans in space though.

The characters are completely uninteresting and have about as much personality as a piss-drenched sponge. They're not people, they're machines who blabber bullshit. The heroine is supposed to be a beautiful princess, but in reality comes of as an annoying and whining twat. That's better than John Carter though, because he is completely devoid of any personality other than "WHERE'S MAH GOLD?".

Of course, the princess and Carter fall in love. There is no developping in their love though. They just barf line after line of raw sewage and suddenly they're in love. Yay. Never is there any suspense in the movie. At one point, there's supposed to be an epic fight between Carter and the head of the Tharks. It literally ends after 10 seconds after Carter cut his head off.

So on one side you have this completely uninteresting and unexplained war between two cities. On the other you have an uninteresting lovestory between Carter and the princess. Both feel empty. That's what this movie is: a big box filled with emptiness.

They tried to put in a little humour at times. However, they greatly failed in doing so. It's mostly embarrassing.

It's the first time I've seen a movie in 3D and god I hope this movie is just a bad case. If I would've just watched it in a normal format, the effect would've been the same. Like, there was nothing special going on because of the 3D. At all. Prior to the movie, they showed a 3D-commercial for Gordon and that commercial was more impressive than the whole movie was.

Did I mention it was made by Disney? No? Well, it's made by Disney. And maybe it's just me, but I think Disney should've just stayed with animated movies for kids. Pirates of the Carribean was on the edge. This movie has an awkward balance between non-violence and violence. What I mean is that there is no blood. However, you do see someone getting torn in half, a woman getting beaten and a dog-like creature being kicked to the floor. Great.

At the end of the movie, it says that it's dedicated to Steve Jobs. The douchefag probably turns in his grave and will come back to haunt and kill the entire filmcrew.

I could go on and on about how bad it was. I'm just going to stop though.
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Last edited by Satyr; 03-12-2012 at 10:01 PM.
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Old 03-12-2012, 11:02 PM
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Default Re: John Carter

John Carter was my favourite character in ER.

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Old 03-12-2012, 11:09 PM
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Default Re: John Carter

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Originally Posted by Satyr View Post
At the end of the movie, it says that it's dedicated to Steve Jobs. The douchefag probably turns in his grave and will come back to haunt and kill the entire filmcrew.
Are you fucking serious? The movie isn't even made by Pixar, for christ's sake.

Now I'm definitely not seeing this movie. I won't even waste my bandwidth on it.
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Old 03-12-2012, 11:10 PM
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Default Re: John Carter

I saw nothing but good reviews--that the movie was, well mindless and incoherant, but wildly entertaining.

I'll wait until it is on DVD, however. Last film I saw in a theater was MIB II.
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Old 03-12-2012, 11:17 PM
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Default Re: John Carter

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Originally Posted by Satyr View Post
there's the primitive Tharks. They really are just Native Americans in space though.

There's supposed to be an epic fight between Carter and the head of the Tharks. It literally ends after 10 seconds after Carter cut his head off. John Carter though, is completely devoid of any personality other than "WHERE'S MAH GOLD?"

Of course, the princess and Carter fall in love. There is no developping in their love though. They just barf line after line of raw sewage and suddenly they're in love. Yay.

Did I mention it was made by Disney? No? Well, it's made by Disney.
So, basically they did a Pocahontas remake??
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Old 03-13-2012, 12:04 AM
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Default Re: John Carter

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Originally Posted by ArmsMerchant View Post
I saw nothing but good reviews--that the movie was, well mindless and incoherant, but wildly entertaining.

I'll wait until it is on DVD, however. Last film I saw in a theater was MIB II.
Your call, but I wouldn't even spend the money on a DVD.

I, on the other hand, have read nothing but bad reviews. They all comment on the same stuff I noticed: the blandness, bad acting, bad dialogue, incoherent and nonsensical story..

Quote:
So, basically they did a Pocahontas remake??
Well, it's more of a failed Avatar rip-off (which was indeed Pocahontas in space) with elements from the new Star Wars movies.

Difference is though that Avatar had a weak but clever plot and story, but was very intense eye-candy in the cinema through the use of 3D. Though I will always value content over presentation, you have to give Avatar that. Plus, it brought new life to the whole 3D-thing.

I say weak but clever plot and story because well.. the story and plot are weak. But through careful engineering and clever screenplay they succeeded in evoking sympathy for them blue Space Kitties and still move the audience. The bombing of their christmas tree for example. Yeah, we all know that was done for drama and to pull some tears. But it worked.

In the case of John Carter, neither are true. Granted, some of the animation was well done. But that's it. The 3D contributes absolutely nothing to the visual aspect. It only serves as a means to charge a few extra bucks.

The plot and story are weak and in no way succeed in moving the audience. It isn't involving, feels distant. Partly because of the outrageously bad script and acting.
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Old 03-13-2012, 12:26 AM
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Default Re: John Carter

I've never read any of the work of the author of the original stories. I did see many of the old Tarzan movies. Tarzan = same author. Maybe, it's not just that the books are a century old, but though I liked the movies I just thought the books might be too dumb.

Maybe the source material is the problem.
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Old 03-13-2012, 01:51 AM
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Default Re: John Carter

I think the source material being a century old is a problem, in that everything that's come out since then has already copied bits and pieces of it, so now when this movie comes out it looks unoriginal.
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Old 03-13-2012, 02:26 AM
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Default Re: John Carter

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John Carter was my favourite character in ER.



please
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Old 03-13-2012, 02:47 AM
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Default Re: John Carter

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I think the source material being a century old is a problem, in that everything that's come out since then has already copied bits and pieces of it, so now when this movie comes out it looks unoriginal.
This. The source material itself, The Princess of Mars, is one of my favorite books ever. By chance I started re-reading it about a week before I heard that this movie was coming out, and it's as good as always. Still haven't seen the film though, fucking movie theaters aren't worth the price anymore.
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Old 03-13-2012, 04:56 PM
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Default Re: John Carter

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Are you fucking serious? The movie isn't even made by Pixar, for christ's sake.

Now I'm definitely not seeing this movie. I won't even waste my bandwidth on it.
It's the pixar crew being loaned out to Disney, as Disney acquired the rights and pixar didn't want to release a PG-13. All those guys worked under Jobs for years, it's not inappropriate.
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Old 03-13-2012, 05:07 PM
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Default Re: John Carter

I'd think Robert Heinlein's "Red Planet", even if it's 60 years old, would be more suitable. It's got technology, teen protagonists, weird Martians, frozen canals/ice boats and rebellion.

Stone me if I'm not right.
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Old 03-13-2012, 05:15 PM
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Default Re: John Carter

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please
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Old 03-13-2012, 05:29 PM
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Default Re: John Carter

Watches shitty blockbuster,

blogs about it on Zoklet.

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Old 03-13-2012, 08:55 PM
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Default Re: John Carter

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Originally Posted by v e x // v o l t View Post
Watches shitty blockbuster,

blogs about it on Zoklet.

Oh, yes, silly me. How dare I speak about movies in the TV and Movies-forum.

It wasn't because I wanted to watch the movie either, let alone go to the cinema. We did the kid a favour by going with him.
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Old 03-13-2012, 09:01 PM
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Default Re: John Carter

Aren't you from Belgium? Which cinema did you go to? Antwerp? Next time you're there hit me up so I can come and rape you. Trust me you'll feel less dirty afterwards.
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Old 03-13-2012, 09:11 PM
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I'm from near Antwerp, yes. But I was at my girlfriend's place in Sint-Truiden, so we went to Kinepolis in Hasselt.

Honestly, I prefer you'd strap razorblades to your dick and anally rape me with that, all while beating my back with chainsaw-chains and caressing me softly with a cheesegrater, forcing me to eat wires' excuse for a baby to EVER having to watch that pile of shit again. Yes, I'd feel less dirty afterwards.
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Old 03-13-2012, 09:20 PM
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I'm from near Antwerp, yes. But I was at my girlfriend's place in Sint-Truiden, so we went to Kinepolis in Hasselt.

Honestly, I prefer you'd strap razorblades to your dick and anally rape me with that, all while beating my back with chainsaw-chains and caressing me softly with a cheesegrater, forcing me to eat wires' excuse for a baby to EVER having to watch that pile of shit again. Yes, I'd feel less dirty afterwards.
Interesting. I have access to IP-cams in the STVV stadium. You should go there and trash up the place so I can call the cops on you. I've been to Kinepolis in Hasselt on numerous occasions but I never saw a movie there. How does it compare to Metroplis in Antwerp?
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Old 03-13-2012, 09:31 PM
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Don't know man. Like I said, I rarely go to the cinema. Last time was the UGC in Antwerp.

I can say though, that compared to most other cinema's I've been to the place is fucking huge. And like all cinema's, way too expensive. When they tried to charge me €4.55 for a bag of M&M's, I told them they could shove it.

Seats are nice though, very comfy and quite big. You do have a lot of room for your legs as well. Could easily stretch them. So yeah, that was a big plus. They also gave a 5-minute break, probably because swallowing puke tends to get exhausting after a while. Seriously though, they should do that more often. Last time I saw a movie they didn't do that. I had to take a piss since the movie started. It was Inception. Yeah, three hours.
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Old 03-13-2012, 09:47 PM
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Did you get hustled at UGC by snotty kids looking for shit? There's always fun to be had in that neighborhood. I pretty much grew up in the shady casinos around the corner there. Blitz Entertainment and what's that other one called again? Right on the corner across where Exhale used to be.
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Old 03-16-2012, 11:34 PM
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I'd think Robert Heinlein's "Red Planet", even if it's 60 years old, would be more suitable. It's got technology, teen protagonists, weird Martians, frozen canals/ice boats and rebellion.

Stone me if I'm not right.
Yeah, that.

BTW--RAHs first novel was published the year I was born.

As a kid, I mostly read him and van Vogt and Asimov (who I later feuded with when we were both officers in Mensa), writing as Paul french.
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Old 03-17-2012, 12:40 AM
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Did you get hustled at UGC by snotty kids looking for shit? There's always fun to be had in that neighborhood. I pretty much grew up in the shady casinos around the corner there. Blitz Entertainment and what's that other one called again? Right on the corner across where Exhale used to be.
Not a clue man. I'm from Grobbendonk actually, shitstain of the Kempen.

And as far as I know, all of Antwerp is one hell of a place to be at night. Went drinking there one time and that was easily the most fucked up evening in my life. Thai shemale karaokebar where a friend of mine got humped by a chick w/ dick, Thai mob on coke that threw us out and was ready to beat the shit out of us, constantly having shit with the Moroccans and last but not least: walking into bar Het Keteltje. Girlfriend of a friend was at Café d'Anvers (ugh) and we decided to meet her there. Afterwards, we wanted to grab a drink and entered Het Keteltje. We came in, sat down and looked around: place was filled with African hookers, trying to get some cash and a place to sleep. And they tend to be quite pushy. Hell, one was massaging my dick right there on the spot. By that time, we decided that it was enough for one evening.
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Old 03-17-2012, 12:52 PM
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Default Re: John Carter

Café d'Anvers is the best club in Antwerp. It has been the best club in Antwerp for decades and it will continue to be the best club in Antwerp for decades to come.

Protip: don't enter any of the bars surrounding 5 blocks around Villa Tinto you'll get hustled like a bitch.
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Old 03-18-2012, 07:44 PM
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It certainly is the lulziest.

16-yo douchebags trying to hit up girls, slutty teens who are trying to get hit on..

But I'm not one the one to judge. I fucking hate clubs. Rather just have a beer at the bar, really. Or better yet, just buy enough beer for the evening and drink it at someone's place.
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:45 PM
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Go on thursdays dawg. You probably went there on an all students night. I'm surprised they let you in. They usually don't let oldfags in on student nights.
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:46 PM
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Also, I think you might be confusing Cafe d'Anvers with Cafe Local. Now there's a shitty fucking place to go to.
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Old 03-18-2012, 09:25 PM
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Well I saw it tonight, was out with my mum who wanted to see that Matt Damon film where they buy a zoo or whatever, but we showed up like an hour too early for that so we watched this instead.

I liked it to be honest, for what it was. The visual design of it was really interesting, the towers of the cities and the solar airships were really cool. The effects shots were also blended in really well, it didn't look fake and obviously CG even thought you knew it was.

I thought the action was good, though yeah it wasn't hugely memorable. But in the moment it was pretty cool.

So the downsides. The characters were... eeh. I thought the green aliens were kind of annoying, which isn't the best seeing as they're in most of the film. John Carter was kind of a retard, I mean like you sort of admired his determination and stuff, but everything else about him was pretty one-dimensional and stupid. And his line delivery was pretty awful most of the time.

The princess chick I liked, she seemed less bland than John, she had a lot more passion and intensity about her. Also she was super balls hot, which helps a lot

The enemy king guy and the weird monk dude were pretty bad, they weren't very threatening or interesting particularly.

The script and story was pretty bad. I mean like the general theme of it was ok, and it could have been good, it was just executed really badly. The whole thing of the nonsense names for places and people was really hard to get past, a character would be delivering some majorly dramatic line and like every third word in the speech would be silly gobbledegook, and it just totally detracted from the drama of the moment. I also can't remember a single damn character's name apart from John.

The general plot seemed kind of a wasted opportunity, like they didn't really do anything with the river Isis, they just go there and find the map thing in like 5 minutes and go away again. They didn't really do anything much with the walking city, wouldn't that have been cool if it attacked the helium city? That could have been a really cool set piece or even the climax of the film. And the fact that they only have the solar ships in battle like once really was a shame, they were really cool- that was one of the most interesting scenes. They all get destroyed and then they never use them again, only the little scout ones. Maybe they only had the four of them total?
No, actually cos the green dudes fly a bunch of them in to the big battle at the end. So that was a missed opportunity.

And just generally the magical blue stuff was kind of dumb. It's never really explained at all beyond "it's the 9th ray". What? What is the 9th ray? What are the other 8?

Also the whole thing of John having his super strength and agility because of the gravity difference between Earth and Mars, oh sorry, Barsoom. Ok, that makes sense for a little while. But then you're like, wait, wouldn't he start losing muscle mass due to the lower gravity as his body adjusted to the planet? Like how astronauts get all weak and lose bone density and stuff when they stay in zero-g for long periods. After a few months surely he wouldn't be any stronger than the average Barsoomian?

So I too had never seen a 3D film, I missed Avatar since everyone said how shit it was, and then i'd pick the 2D option for films that were in 3D since then, but they only had this in 3D so I was like, fuck it, a new experience I guess. So first of all paying an extra 2 pounds because it's 3D plus a pound for the glasses is a total rip-off. Those glasses probably cost next to nothing to make, and I don't understand how it costs any more money to project in 3D; i'm pretty sure it's just the cinema being greedy as hell.

So you put on the glasses, the movie starts and first of all they're really uncomfortable- I mean for someone who doesn't have to wear normal glasses it's pretty annoying having to wear them to watch a film. The 3D effect is sort of cool, but it's nowhere near as amazing as you would expect for all the hype, and it makes the visuals actually quite noticeably blurry, especially in fast camera moves or action. Eventually you get used to the glasses and your eyes get used to the weird effect- but then you don't notice the goddamn 3D any more! How retarded is that? By like halfway through the film you've forgotten you're watching a 3D movie.

I would have much preferred to see this in 2D, 2D digital projection is really gorgeous, colourful and sharp and no screen noise at all. I don't understand why they persist with making all these 3D movies. It's a fucking gimmick, good for a theme park ride, but don't make me sit through that shit for every latest blockbuster release.

Well, I guess the negative reactions here are way longer than the positive ones, haha. I mean it was a fun movie, it was more interesting than some shitty generic action movie with Bruce Willis etc that seem to come out every week, but it's a shame it was so... stupid. You're not left with any lasting sense of wonder or have your thoughts provoked etc. Blockbuster movies can be clever and smart, like The Dark Knight or Inception (fuck yeah Christopher Nolan) and it's just a shame this one was such a waste.
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Old 03-18-2012, 10:13 PM
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Well I saw it tonight, was out with my mum who wanted to see that Matt Damon film where they buy a zoo or whatever, but we showed up like an hour too early for that so we watched this instead.

I liked it to be honest, for what it was. The visual design of it was really interesting, the towers of the cities and the solar airships were really cool. The effects shots were also blended in really well, it didn't look fake and obviously CG even thought you knew it was.

I thought the action was good, though yeah it wasn't hugely memorable. But in the moment it was pretty cool.

So the downsides. The characters were... eeh. I thought the green aliens were kind of annoying, which isn't the best seeing as they're in most of the film. John Carter was kind of a retard, I mean like you sort of admired his determination and stuff, but everything else about him was pretty one-dimensional and stupid. And his line delivery was pretty awful most of the time.

The princess chick I liked, she seemed less bland than John, she had a lot more passion and intensity about her. Also she was super balls hot, which helps a lot

The enemy king guy and the weird monk dude were pretty bad, they weren't very threatening or interesting particularly.

The script and story was pretty bad. I mean like the general theme of it was ok, and it could have been good, it was just executed really badly. The whole thing of the nonsense names for places and people was really hard to get past, a character would be delivering some majorly dramatic line and like every third word in the speech would be silly gobbledegook, and it just totally detracted from the drama of the moment. I also can't remember a single damn character's name apart from John.

The general plot seemed kind of a wasted opportunity, like they didn't really do anything with the river Isis, they just go there and find the map thing in like 5 minutes and go away again. They didn't really do anything much with the walking city, wouldn't that have been cool if it attacked the helium city? That could have been a really cool set piece or even the climax of the film. And the fact that they only have the solar ships in battle like once really was a shame, they were really cool- that was one of the most interesting scenes. They all get destroyed and then they never use them again, only the little scout ones. Maybe they only had the four of them total?
No, actually cos the green dudes fly a bunch of them in to the big battle at the end. So that was a missed opportunity.

And just generally the magical blue stuff was kind of dumb. It's never really explained at all beyond "it's the 9th ray". What? What is the 9th ray? What are the other 8?

Also the whole thing of John having his super strength and agility because of the gravity difference between Earth and Mars, oh sorry, Barsoom. Ok, that makes sense for a little while. But then you're like, wait, wouldn't he start losing muscle mass due to the lower gravity as his body adjusted to the planet? Like how astronauts get all weak and lose bone density and stuff when they stay in zero-g for long periods. After a few months surely he wouldn't be any stronger than the average Barsoomian?

So I too had never seen a 3D film, I missed Avatar since everyone said how shit it was, and then i'd pick the 2D option for films that were in 3D since then, but they only had this in 3D so I was like, fuck it, a new experience I guess. So first of all paying an extra 2 pounds because it's 3D plus a pound for the glasses is a total rip-off. Those glasses probably cost next to nothing to make, and I don't understand how it costs any more money to project in 3D; i'm pretty sure it's just the cinema being greedy as hell.

So you put on the glasses, the movie starts and first of all they're really uncomfortable- I mean for someone who doesn't have to wear normal glasses it's pretty annoying having to wear them to watch a film. The 3D effect is sort of cool, but it's nowhere near as amazing as you would expect for all the hype, and it makes the visuals actually quite noticeably blurry, especially in fast camera moves or action. Eventually you get used to the glasses and your eyes get used to the weird effect- but then you don't notice the goddamn 3D any more! How retarded is that? By like halfway through the film you've forgotten you're watching a 3D movie.

I would have much preferred to see this in 2D, 2D digital projection is really gorgeous, colourful and sharp and no screen noise at all. I don't understand why they persist with making all these 3D movies. It's a fucking gimmick, good for a theme park ride, but don't make me sit through that shit for every latest blockbuster release.

Well, I guess the negative reactions here are way longer than the positive ones, haha. I mean it was a fun movie, it was more interesting than some shitty generic action movie with Bruce Willis etc that seem to come out every week, but it's a shame it was so... stupid. You're not left with any lasting sense of wonder or have your thoughts provoked etc. Blockbuster movies can be clever and smart, like The Dark Knight or Inception (fuck yeah Christopher Nolan) and it's just a shame this one was such a waste.
TL;DR

Kill yourself.
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Old 03-18-2012, 10:42 PM
Satyr Satyr is offline
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Default Re: John Carter

Snoopy, I did go on a thursday evening (hell will freeze over before I pay to enter there). And no, pretty sure it was Café d'Anvers. Not sure how many other clubs are right in the middle of the red light district.

Shrike, you pretty much said all the reasons why I think the movie was fucking stupid. Except that the princess was annoying as fuck and bland too. Not hot in the slightest either.

I see no persistence in the character of John Carter, sorry. First part of the movie he's just like "LOL, WHERE'S MAH GOLD BITCHES?!" even though he's on fucking mars. Second part he's all like "LOL, OKAY I FIGHT FOR U PRINCESS!".

Would you care to explain why there was a war between red and blue (see what I did there, Snoopy? Now THAT place is fucking gay) in the first place?

And why the fuck are the primitives, the annoying green faggots, armed with guns while the humans fly ships and fight with swords...

The more I think about this movie, the more I hate it.
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Old 03-21-2012, 06:37 PM
ArmsMerchant ArmsMerchant is offline
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Default Re: John Carter

This just in--financially, the flick is an epic fail. Looks like it will LOSE $200 million.
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