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  #1  
Old 04-02-2012, 12:20 AM
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Default Self hate and suicidal ideation

I can't stop being depressed all the time.
I can't get rid of my severe social anxiety.
There are obviously times where I am happy, but I crash and burn in the end.

I don't want to take drugs. I already tried klonopin for my anxiety, and effexor. Years ago I took prozac, klonopin, and zoloft to help with anxiety and depression, not all at once.

I tried smoking weed, in different ways. I don't usually enjoy being high, but it'll help me eat and feel better. After so long of using weed so I don't feel depressed, I realize nothing in my life has changed to make it better and that I need to make it better.

When I try to make it better, I always feel let down and hurt and too anxious. I'm telling you, things get better... and then I end up feeling worse than I did before because I actually tried to go out and do something to help myself, and it backfires... or I didn't do good enough.

The obvious answer is "start being a man! become independent! get another girlfriend! fuck bitches! have more fun".

It's not easy to do anything when you are depressed, and then when you ARE happy, you still have too much anxiety to not embarrass yourself.

I tried reaching out to mom, dad, ex-girlfriend(it's complicated but we're friends). It appears nobody really wants to deal with me, and that I need to deal with myself so as not to be a burden... apparently.

I've had periods of time of being completely sober and extremely and periods of time of drug abuse or even just having fun using drugs. It doesn't make a difference, but I would prefer to be drug free except alcohol. I find that as long as I drink craft beers, it's too hard to get drunk enough to make alcohol a problem, so it actually feels good to go out and have a good time.

Either way, it's been months since I've really become extremely depressed and filled with so much anxiety that I can barely be around people. I can't go on much longer like this. My death would ruin some lives temporarily, but they would move on. Almost everybody can move on. But that's mean, so now what?
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Old 04-02-2012, 12:26 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

"Fake it til you make it"
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Old 04-02-2012, 12:30 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

Do you have a job? A place of your own? What's a normal day like for you, routine wise?
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Old 04-02-2012, 12:32 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

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Originally Posted by bish View Post
"Fake it til you make it"
Oh my fuck that's how I feel about myself when I'm around people trying to be happy and enjoy it.

I think another problem is I need more friends that I get along with well. I have a couple, but we don't live close anymore. It'd be nice to have a good couple friends around who I actually... ya know, connect with. I have plenty of friends I don't really talk to enough to know them, and so doesn't everybody else.

Maybe I'm just lonely now that I don't have a girlfriend, although we were both unhappy which is why we broke up. Also it doesn't help when you have no relationship with your sister, mom, dad, or step dad.

I should be a lot happier at age 21.
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Old 04-02-2012, 12:41 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Midge View Post
Do you have a job? A place of your own? What's a normal day like for you, routine wise?
I go to university. I have always struggled and hated it. I have GED, and was a semi-hard drug addict in high school. I've shot up oxycontin and abused it for days on end for years, xanax too, but when I quit cold turkey I didn't have severe w/d's. But at age 18, the mental w/d's for a couple days, for years, had an impact on concentration and social skills... and emotional intelligence.

I just got a job and I start tomorrow. It's a landscaping company and I have zero experience. I've been... extremely avoidant of preparing myself for the job (going to walmart for food/boots). No no, I've been having anxiety over it all day.

I have my own place, and I just ran out of my savings.

A normal day for me? Nothing, I do nothing. I feel like I can't. I try to hang out with people, try to do school. I honestly try. But I feel so depressed and anxious that when I am done trying, I'm embarrassed by my actions around people... and even with myself. It's like studying for an exam and thinking you're going to get an A, possibly a B. Truly thinking that, and finding out you got a C-...

I wish I could stop the depression and anxiety so I can make a change in my life that will help me progress somewhere.

And another thing, I hate my mothers fiance' and our relationship is at a 10 out of a hundred because of how much control he has over... everything.

I'm telling you, I have so many problems. They are relatively unimportant. I just need to find something I can latch onto that will help me earn money and happiness. Like a job I really enjoy so I can have that as something that I live for, because I really don't know what I'm living for at the moment.

Also note, I've lost 20 pounds in 2012. I just.... can't eat. Sometimes I won't eat for days, and I'll even stay up for days. WITHOUT DRUGS! It's not cool.

And I'm failing my classes... I could pull off at least d's in all of them, maybe even c's. But I doubt I could actually do it. I can barely think. I can barely sit in class without having an anxiety attack.

I'm just... fucked man, I'm telling you. I miss being happy about life. I've wanted to drop of college since the end of my first semester, but my mom basically "forced" me to go.

Why are you even reading this or replying? Seriously.
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Old 04-02-2012, 12:48 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

I don't understand people who are miserably depressed but don't want to take benzos. Fuck dude, your doctor GIVES YOU THAT SHIT FOR FREE, so it's not like your addiction is draining your bank account. Waking up just knowing I have a pill that will make me instantly happy is sometimes enough for me, I don't even need to take it. I would rather be happy and addicted than miserable and sober.

I'm that type of person who hates himself, but for some reason still think I'm better than everyone else. Actually, I KNOW I'm better than everyone else, I'm fucking convinced. So, you can still hate yourself and live a great life. You don't need to think more highly of yourself, just think lower of everyone else
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Old 04-02-2012, 01:13 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

Hey, it's alright dude. You're not alone having to go through some shit like this. But when you say things like that you're Mom is "forcing" you to go through school, it kind of gives the impression that the frustration you're expressing might just be the tip of an iceberg that is a much bigger problem. Part of growing older is developing your own decision making abilities and letting go of what other people think. It's up to You, and You only to take a look at what you're doing with your life and decide whether or not the stress factor is worth the end benefit. Accountability my friend. You don't need any drugs off the street, or from the pharmacy for that matter. Just time to realize that it is now your responsibility to build the world around you the best you can with the tools that are at your disposal. And don't worry about that suicidal ideation shit, it's more commonplace than most would like to believe.
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Old 04-02-2012, 01:14 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

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Originally Posted by a334jv2df View Post
I don't understand people who are miserably depressed but don't want to take benzos. Fuck dude, your doctor GIVES YOU THAT SHIT FOR FREE, so it's not like your addiction is draining your bank account. Waking up just knowing I have a pill that will make me instantly happy is sometimes enough for me, I don't even need to take it. I would rather be happy and addicted than miserable and sober.
idk where you live but in murica you gotta pay for pills.
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I'm that type of person who hates himself, but for some reason still think I'm better than everyone else. Actually, I KNOW I'm better than everyone else, I'm fucking convinced.
this is way more common in those with anxieties than most people think. narcissism kills.
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Old 04-02-2012, 01:18 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

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Originally Posted by The Pat-Man View Post
idk where you live but in murica you gotta pay for pills.


this is way more common in those with anxieties than most people think. narcissism kills.
I live in America and since I'm not a broke nigger with some shitty fast food job my work pays for my health and prescription insurance which means all my pills are free.

Narcissism is great.
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Old 04-02-2012, 02:55 AM
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Heart Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

Quote:
Originally Posted by mr.poopypants View Post
It's not easy to do anything when you are depressed, and then when you ARE happy, you still have too much anxiety to not embarrass yourself.

I tried reaching out to mom, dad, ex-girlfriend(it's complicated but we're friends). It appears nobody really wants to deal with me, and that I need to deal with myself so as not to be a burden... apparently.
Yeah, depression's a bitch.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Midge View Post
Do you have a job? A place of your own? What's a normal day like for you, routine wise?
Jobs are generally good at helping pull you out of a bit of depression.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mr.poopypants View Post
I've been... extremely avoidant of preparing myself for the job (going to walmart for food/boots). No no, I've been having anxiety over it all day.
Take benzos.

Quote:
A normal day for me? Nothing, I do nothing. I feel like I can't. I try to hang out with people, try to do school. I honestly try. But I feel so depressed and anxious that when I am done trying, I'm embarrassed by my actions around people... and even with myself.
Yeah well you have to keep trying, otherwise it's a self defeating, vicious cycle.
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Old 04-02-2012, 03:19 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

Know thyself
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Old 04-02-2012, 03:21 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

My advice is to practice mindfulness meditation, fix your diet, exercise often but before any of that think to yourself, is this what I want, do I deserve better? If you have no resolve then whatever I suggest has no purpose. Find yours and you will find a way out of this.

Fyi, they're wrong about the benzos, they have a reputation for being neurotoxic and causing way more problems than they solve.
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Old 04-02-2012, 03:25 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

Benzos, lol. Some people are criminally retarded.
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Old 04-02-2012, 03:28 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

Wish my doctor wound give me benzos
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Old 04-02-2012, 08:39 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

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Originally Posted by Cerberus View Post
Fyi, they're wrong about the benzos, they have a reputation for causing way more problems than they solve.
only if you stop taking them
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Old 04-02-2012, 09:48 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

Hey OP, I feel ya, I really do. I'm in much the same state of mind and it's been going on for years. I have no energy, i'm depressed all the time, I don't want to socialise with anyone or do anything or go outside.

I twist myself into these weird states, like on saturday morning I was supposed to go to my dad's for the weekend, but I couldn't face it and for some reason I started sobbing about how shit I am and how little they all think of me. I know it would have been fine once I got there, maybe even fun, but I just couldn't do it. I spent the weekend doing nothing at home.

I don't want to take pills either, they aren't the answer imo. Maybe they can help short term, but over a longer period they don't do anything. I've been forcing myself to go for walks while listening to music and podcasts on my MP3 player, and it's something else to do and it gets me out of the house, but I don't know that it makes me feel any better particularly.

To be honest, you're in a better position than me, you're going to uni and you have a job. I never made it to uni and I have no idea who in the world would ever hire me. I say try as hard as you can to stick at those things, because dropping everything while it will be a relief at first, will just plain suck in the long term.

Brohug <3
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Old 04-02-2012, 10:18 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

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Originally Posted by mr.poopypants View Post
stuff
Have you tried, like, not being around people? If that isn't making you happy, then get rid of it. Get a diary, make everything you do more or less routine and then just chuck in stuff to fill the gaps.
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Old 04-02-2012, 04:32 PM
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Old 04-02-2012, 04:34 PM
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only if you stop taking them
Benzos are garbage drugs. They make you feel tired, nauseaus and stupid and then you do stupid things and wake up feeling like death. They are for retards and psychotic housewives. Also, the withdrawal from a benzo addiction is worse than what you get from fucking IV heroin. It can actually kill you.
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Old 04-03-2012, 06:37 PM
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Originally Posted by stnuued cnut View Post
Narcissism can be a bitch I tell yeah. Realize you're insignificant without attaching some sort of grandiose 'woe is me' type ideation to it. Basically just be aware that your self-ideating is not helping, be more giving, patient and forgiving, especially of yourself. But just stop thinking about yourself all the time.

How old are you, op?
I just turned 21, and I suffer from Narcissism even though I do hate myself at times. I'm always right, I mean, I tend to be, although at work, and even for years when I started working, I've always been very self aware of the impact of my decisions on a job. Like I have responsibility and what I do makes at least a tiny difference that is noticeable by the eye. Like picking up all the sticks in the back yard, or just the big ones. The end result is practically the same, you can still mow the yard, but you're gonna leave little pieces of sticks if you don't get em all. If you do manage to get them all, you can still hear the mower chopping up the wood. SHOULD HAVE JUST PICKED THEM ALL UP. But while I started doing that, I felt like I was taking too long.

But any other fucking time, I'm right and you're wrong. Seriously.

Quote:
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I don't understand people who are miserably depressed but don't want to take benzos. Fuck dude, your doctor GIVES YOU THAT SHIT FOR FREE, so it's not like your addiction is draining your bank account. Waking up just knowing I have a pill that will make me instantly happy is sometimes enough for me, I don't even need to take it. I would rather be happy and addicted than miserable and sober.

I'm that type of person who hates himself, but for some reason still think I'm better than everyone else. Actually, I KNOW I'm better than everyone else, I'm fucking convinced. So, you can still hate yourself and live a great life. You don't need to think more highly of yourself, just think lower of everyone else
I took benzos to help rid me of anxiety and I could feel the side effects, hardcore. Like really fucking hardcore. I did not abuse them either. My memory was fucked, it still is over 8 months later. I also lost my balance easier, etc. These side effects were minimal, but noticeable, and it bothered the fuck out of me. I also feel like I was very happy initially, and then it made me depressed. I cold turkeyed clonazepam just fine. But only because I was taking xanax before, cold turkeyed that, experienced anxiety again, and couldn't forget what anxiety was. Retaking the clonaz barely made me feel better, but at least I could sleep... or be tired for that matter. Drugs are too complicated to deal with.

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Hey, it's alright dude. You're not alone having to go through some shit like this. But when you say things like that you're Mom is "forcing" you to go through school, it kind of gives the impression that the frustration you're expressing might just be the tip of an iceberg that is a much bigger problem. Part of growing older is developing your own decision making abilities and letting go of what other people think. It's up to You, and You only to take a look at what you're doing with your life and decide whether or not the stress factor is worth the end benefit. Accountability my friend. You don't need any drugs off the street, or from the pharmacy for that matter. Just time to realize that it is now your responsibility to build the world around you the best you can with the tools that are at your disposal. And don't worry about that suicidal ideation shit, it's more commonplace than most would like to believe.
Suicidal ideation is actually very common? Major depression is too then right? I mean, I've always had suicidal thoughts, since I was child... but at most points in my life, I wasn't also depressed so it never appeared to be a problem to me. But when you're depressed, you think emotionally about it... or something. I don't know. And "my mom is forcing me to go to university" is basically like... I feel like my mom and her fiance' haven't liked really... ever liked me. I don't know how to explain it, our relationships are not mother/father to son. In fact I don't even talk to my real dad. Anyways, they treat me like one of their employees, literally. They are extremely nice to employees who do a good job at work, and when I work for my mom and her fiance', and do good, they are happy with me and it's like they like me more, when I'm not doing good, they are pissed off all the time. I swear to god, I fucking hate my mothers fiance'. When he was in prison for 9 months(my depression got really bad when he got out btw), I WAS SO HAPPY BECAUSE I HAD A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOM. Fuck him dude... My mom is so different around him and... you can tell when she is talking/doing something because of him. Like seriously. Me and my sister both agree. Then I'll say something like "why are you being so weird" and she'll say "I'm not"... and the conversation goes blank. It's like we both are thinking the same thing "don't piss him off". Oh and yeah, he gets pissed of easy, and he's like 6'4 and 300 pounds.. maybe 250 idk. big scary fucker.

When I was younger I cut them out of my life to live with my dad, who turned out to be a drug addict... with me.. kind of.. either way, he has three children with a girl who I went to high school with. She's 23... and not hot. She's a bipolar wierdo cunt.

God damn, I honestly just want to start over, except... stop talking to a lot of people, just go do my own thing on the other side of the country for awhile, see how I turn out. If I develop properly, I'll be able to handle forming relationships with everyone again. Oh and I've ran away before, 1500 miles, via car and atlas haha.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cerberus View Post
My advice is to practice mindfulness meditation, fix your diet, exercise often but before any of that think to yourself, is this what I want, do I deserve better? If you have no resolve then whatever I suggest has no purpose. Find yours and you will find a way out of this.

Fyi, they're wrong about the benzos, they have a reputation for being neurotoxic and causing way more problems than they solve.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure high doses of valium(diazepam) is immunotoxic. It also fucks with your thinking/memory/perception.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shrike View Post
Hey OP, I feel ya, I really do. I'm in much the same state of mind and it's been going on for years. I have no energy, i'm depressed all the time, I don't want to socialise with anyone or do anything or go outside.

I twist myself into these weird states, like on saturday morning I was supposed to go to my dad's for the weekend, but I couldn't face it and for some reason I started sobbing about how shit I am and how little they all think of me. I know it would have been fine once I got there, maybe even fun, but I just couldn't do it. I spent the weekend doing nothing at home.

I don't want to take pills either, they aren't the answer imo. Maybe they can help short term, but over a longer period they don't do anything. I've been forcing myself to go for walks while listening to music and podcasts on my MP3 player, and it's something else to do and it gets me out of the house, but I don't know that it makes me feel any better particularly.

To be honest, you're in a better position than me, you're going to uni and you have a job. I never made it to uni and I have no idea who in the world would ever hire me. I say try as hard as you can to stick at those things, because dropping everything while it will be a relief at first, will just plain suck in the long term.

Brohug <3
Yeah you sound like me, even the thing with your dad... I've bailed on TONS of people/events because.. why would I go? I don't bring anything to the table, and I'm not gonna be happy about myself. And then you try something and you actually are happy, until you wake up the next day, and start criticizing yourself over everything you've actually done.

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Originally Posted by i poop in your cereal View Post
Benzos are garbage drugs. They make you feel tired, nauseaus and stupid and then you do stupid things and wake up feeling like death. They are for retards and psychotic housewives. Also, the withdrawal from a benzo addiction is worse than what you get from fucking IV heroin. It can actually kill you.
Completely agree. But benzos do kill anxiety, which can make you feel better. It's practically worth it except for the fact that you become an addict because you can't help but take them almost everyday, if not everyday. And I have access to every fucking benzo for a cheap fucking price. God damn RC scene introduced me to the "illegals internet scene" and besides SR, and online pharmacies, there is so many god damn vendors selling shit... So drugs are drugs, prozac and valium might as well be heroin and meth. Seriously, the only problem with the illicit drugs is you can get fucked up as shit almost everytime you get high, valium is a little harder to do that... and I doubt most people actually want to black out everyday, but nobody has a problem nodding out everyday.
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Old 04-03-2012, 06:43 PM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

OP--be advised, happiness is a choice. Assuming you are now totally clinically depressed--and you said pretty much towards the end of your post--simply choose to be happy and oyu will be.

You see, nothing outside of yourself can either help or harm you.

Salvation lies within you (this is kinda what the nazz meant when he said "the kingdom of God is within you").

The only thing that can really harm you is your mind.
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Old 04-03-2012, 06:59 PM
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Blah blah blah. If you ever breakthrough this pathetic state you are in right now, you will look back and be amazed at what a whiny little shit you were. You won't even believe it was you.


First of all, if you are so fucked up to the point of losing 20 pounds in the year so far just from not eating, thats your priority right there. Physiology comes first man. Take weed medicinally to help your appetite. Don't get high if you don't want to, but if you try you will find out just a puff or two will help tremendously in getting the food down. You don't need to be fucked out of your mind to get good munchies, in fact smoking moderately allows you to eat a lot more than getting fucked does.

Number 2, take some fucking responsibility. It's not the drugs, it's not the internet RC scene, its not your parents, its not your friends, it isnt the fucking town or the subject you are taking in school. It's you. Until you can literally rewire your brain chemistry to BELIEVE that you are the sole and only responsible for yourself and to feel a lot of anxiety whenever you aren't being independent or productive you won't break free from this. Now, some would say a way to help create this change in your brain would be to enter and alternate state of mind (i.e. drugs), but that's your call. You have to do it with the purpose of breaking free thought instead of getting wasted for a couple ours to make yourself feel better about your miserable life.


Edit:

Number 3, about suicide, take some fucking comfort in the people around you right here. If these loser crackheads have managed to somehow pull it off this far along the way it can't be as hard as you are thinking it is...
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Old 04-03-2012, 08:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Oink The Pig View Post
Blah blah blah. If you ever breakthrough this pathetic state you are in right now, you will look back and be amazed at what a whiny little shit you were. You won't even believe it was you.


First of all, if you are so fucked up to the point of losing 20 pounds in the year so far just from not eating, thats your priority right there. Physiology comes first man. Take weed medicinally to help your appetite. Don't get high if you don't want to, but if you try you will find out just a puff or two will help tremendously in getting the food down. You don't need to be fucked out of your mind to get good munchies, in fact smoking moderately allows you to eat a lot more than getting fucked does.

Number 2, take some fucking responsibility. It's not the drugs, it's not the internet RC scene, its not your parents, its not your friends, it isnt the fucking town or the subject you are taking in school. It's you. Until you can literally rewire your brain chemistry to BELIEVE that you are the sole and only responsible for yourself and to feel a lot of anxiety whenever you aren't being independent or productive you won't break free from this. Now, some would say a way to help create this change in your brain would be to enter and alternate state of mind (i.e. drugs), but that's your call. You have to do it with the purpose of breaking free thought instead of getting wasted for a couple ours to make yourself feel better about your miserable life.


Edit:

Number 3, about suicide, take some fucking comfort in the people around you right here. If these loser crackheads have managed to somehow pull it off this far along the way it can't be as hard as you are thinking it is...
Sometimes for a couple days I actually think just that. I know that if I start to make changes and be what I think will make me happy, I'll be happy. And shit will happen, but I'll eventually forget about how I used to be so depressed, I might not be able to even feel like this for long because my lifestyle will prohibit it.

Either way, the social anxiety stops me from doing a lot of things, and makes me feel like shit about everything I do, do. That's always been something I've tried really hard to overcome, and I overcome it at times, but once I start feeling anxiety again, I can't help but get depressed and its pretty self reinforcing in a negative way.

The only reason I'm posting here is because I really don't want to tell anybody IRL how I feel.
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Old 04-03-2012, 11:33 PM
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OP--be advised, happiness is a choice. Assuming you are now totally clinically depressed--and you said pretty much towards the end of your post--simply choose to be happy and you will be.
Do you not understand how clinical depression works? If people with it could just choose to be happy, don't you think they would? Your post here is no better than the people who say things like "man up" or "tough it out" or "it'll get better". Those things are no comfort and no help to someone in the grip of serious depression.
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Old 04-03-2012, 11:54 PM
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It appears nobody really wants to deal with me, and that I need to deal with myself so as not to be a burden... apparently.
You need to deal with yourself so as not to be a burden to...yourself. It's the double-bind of depression, I know it all too well. And it fucking pisses me off when you see anti-depression (seriously, wtf?) ads that say, "You're never as alone as you feel." Great, so not only do I feel lonely and shitty about myself but, it's my fault too.
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Old 04-04-2012, 12:11 AM
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yeah man op i kinda have felt like that for a long time. like in highschool i always had anxiety problems, but it wasn't as bad as compared to today. Then after highschool it got a little worse, then like I thought "oh I'll go travel by myself in Europe for 5 weeks, when I come back I'll be a new man" so I just toughed it out, and then went to Europe for 5 weeks after a couple years of having a gf and just making money and stuff. Then like it was cool and everything, but on a walk in the Swiss alps I was just like "I'm HERE in the swiss alps, and it's amazing but like I'm still out here by myself, and everyone else at the hostel is having a good time and wants nothing to do with me, and I'm too nervous to do anything about it"

Well what happened next is that night, everyone in the hostel was all hanging as one, and I found these two American girls, and there wasn't many places to sit so I asked if I could sit at their table, which I was pretty nervous about, and they were all "sure! come and join us!" so like I ended up having a fun time with them that night and we all got drunk which was good for my anxiety.

So like lesson one is sometimes you just have to suck it up, and risk embarrassing yourself. But like whatever you do don't go around with your tail between your legs, if you get embarrassed or whatever then it's just like who the fuck cares.

Anyways and then I got home, and I had made a little progress, but I STILL had all this anxiety, even worse than before. I started to get real depressed and locked myself in my house all day just having no friends. So I thought I would give traveling another try, because I liked being free the first time, and then like I bought a one way ticket to london after being depressed for a year.

So like I went to London, really nervous about the trip because it just seemed like I might end up being lonely and get all depressed again, and there was nothing else to look forward to if the trip failed. But like I went anyways, and just it started being really fun after a few days at it. Like I met all kinds of people, but like the feeling was STILL there after going out to bars, and going out to drinks and stuff.

Then in that trip, I made my way down to Turkey, then Egypt for a day, then I was in Tanzania. And when I was in Tanzania, EVERYONE was looking at me. Like I was always the focus of attention, because I went out to these random towns, and areas where there wasn't any other white person in sight. Like I stuck out so bad. And I was there for two weeks and I just got used to it. Like I knew everyone was just wondering stuff about me, and I usually hate being the center of attention. But like...

I started realizing that it just doesn't matter what other people think of you. Like it sounds cliche but it really doesn't. I go places by myself, I eat by myself, and I recognized that I'm different than a lot of people, and I like different things. I stopped forcing myself to go out for drinks, and hanging out with certain people if I just didn't like them. If I'm around cool ppl I just don't care anymore as much. Like idk how to explain it but I'm in a totally different point of view now. Like I wear whatever I want and I'm my own person. And like when you're in that new frame of mind, your anxiety goes away a little bit. Just do whatever you want and when I can understand that I'M the cool person, and so many other people are just everyday idiots, wasting their lives, then it feels a lot better.

I still have some anxiety but like I kinda just realize I've already done more than most people ever will I mean like I walked around bangkok, saw the pyramids, went on a safari in africa, like got robbed by a bunch of africants, i've swam in the indian ocean, and the pacific, ocean, and walked on rox around the atlantic ocean and I went around the whole Earth, I've seen the Roman Collusseum, the effiel tower, Big Ben, and like I've been in a REAL jungle. Like nobody else has and when I talk to them now it's just like "oh yeah I'm a manager at sprint" ok??? A lot of times I feel way superior to everybody else now, and when people often ask me to do stuff that just doesn't sound fun I saw no, but I'm polite about it. I understand that I'm very introverted, I like my own thoughts, and I only need socialization like 5 hours out of the week to stay healthy. I think differently than a lot of people so I accept that fact and I don't try to like force myself to like what other people like.
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Old 04-04-2012, 12:28 AM
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Sometimes for a couple days I actually think just that. I know that if I start to make changes and be what I think will make me happy, I'll be happy. And shit will happen, but I'll eventually forget about how I used to be so depressed, I might not be able to even feel like this for long because my lifestyle will prohibit it.

Either way, the social anxiety stops me from doing a lot of things, and makes me feel like shit about everything I do, do. That's always been something I've tried really hard to overcome, and I overcome it at times, but once I start feeling anxiety again, I can't help but get depressed and its pretty self reinforcing in a negative way.

The only reason I'm posting here is because I really don't want to tell anybody IRL how I feel.

I think you should get professional help. There's a lot of prejudice against it, but it will eventually die as the ignorant people who hold it do or change. It's great that you can have access to a stranger who has studied a lot on the issue and has personally worked with many people who were dealing with similar stuff. And you have confidentiality too. I'm talking about psychologists here, and if you dont like one at first or think hes full of shit (sure, some out there are, but you find that everywhere in life) you can always try another one. I think traditionally the first appointment is free, and theres a big difference between talking about this with someone online and in real life. You will actually feel like you are doing something about your problem and that alone could be a tremendous help.

Its better to get someone whos experienced thought even if its gonna be expensive.

They can help but the bottom line is always you. You can look in every dark or light corner of the internet day after day searching for something to finally motivate you or give you a cure for this but you will never succeed because the answer lies in a bunch of chemicals inside your head. You need to will the change into happening. And that has nothing to do with gayfox style just think happy and you will be happy blabber. Years of reinforcement of bad behavior have shaped you into who you are now, and you cant just decide that you will wake up one morning and be different. You can't just snap out of it. Its an uphill battle and youre gonna have to sweat every last drop to get out of this hole.

But realizing that every single action that you do that is in the direction of the person you wanna become is positive reinforcement helps. Its gonna take a long time until the strength of the new habits you are trying to form can match your old ones, and you have to be aware that every SINGLE time you do anything out of line you will be giving a huge adrenaline boost to the "bad gears" inside of you that make you run wrong. There isn't any way to do this but step by step, hour by hour, day by day.

This is drug addiction, your personality is a shitty drug and you need to quit it. Also realize that it's a lot more about the attitude than anything else. Don't let your consciousness rationalize its way into beating you. If you decided you will work out everyday for 2 weeks, then you need to do exactly that. It doesnt matter than in day x you are so tired and you think the workout wont even help anymore because you are so sore and what does it matter to miss a single day and theres this great other thing that you could be doing right now. You need to show up and you need to do as much as you can. Only then will you start to gain some faith in yourself. You are trying to kill a big part of you here, and that part is going to kick and scream its way until the very end. Don't listen to it. If you do, it will never let go of you.
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Old 04-04-2012, 12:57 AM
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I feel ya man. I could go into detail but it would be a long story and I don't feel like typing that much. Plus you guys would probably just tl;dr it anyway, it's not that important. What is important is how I got through it.

Basically, you have to face your fears, and support yourself. You won't feel good about yourself if every time you get anxiety about doing something fun, you just stay inside and do nothing. I was doing that for a while and I think it kinda fucked with my mental state a little bit. Sometimes you do need to stay in and have time to yourself though, and the key is to take every opportunity you get, and even if it turns out to be a miserable failure, at least you DID SOMETHING. I guess this is a complex subject, and I apologize if I can't explain it that well, but you have to figure out yourself and be comfortable with yourself before you can pull yourself out of this hole.

I figured out a lot of my "depression" (I don't want to call it depression, even though it probably could be considered legitimate depression) was caused by long term lowering of my self esteem since freshman year of college that kind of snowballed and got out of control. It was triggered by my ex breaking up with me, and I progressively got worse and worse at meeting people and especially talking to girls. I talked to some close female friends of mine about it and it tremendously boosted my self esteem, and broke me out of my shell a little bit. Now I feel a lot more relaxed and natural in social situations because I'm not stressing about stupid shit as much. I'm still working on that a lot though.

Anyway, you basically need to work on your personal development and find an inner peace and balance within yourself (listen to Armsmerchant he knows what he's talking about).

Personally I've been reading a bunch of really intense stuff that's been helping me make sense of the world and myself. I don't know if you're in to spiritual stuff or philosophy but you should check this out, it will blow your fucking mind and you'll probably lol at it as well.

http://www.llresearch.org/library/th...f_one_pdf.aspx

It's called the Law of One, and I'm only half way through Book 3, but just thinking about what I've read and trying to make sense of it so I can apply it to my life is already making a huge difference in how I perceive the world and myself.

As far as personal development goes, this website has also been helping me a lot:
http://postmasculine.com/

Just reading the articles on there and some of the forum threads has really helped me get past a lot of my social anxiety and not just with meeting girls but with life and social situations in general.

Also this is the fuckin truth here:

Quote:
I started realizing that it just doesn't matter what other people think of you. Like it sounds cliche but it really doesn't. I go places by myself, I eat by myself, and I recognized that I'm different than a lot of people, and I like different things. I stopped forcing myself to go out for drinks, and hanging out with certain people if I just didn't like them. If I'm around cool ppl I just don't care anymore as much. Like idk how to explain it but I'm in a totally different point of view now. Like I wear whatever I want and I'm my own person. And like when you're in that new frame of mind, your anxiety goes away a little bit. Just do whatever you want and when I can understand that I'M the cool person, and so many other people are just everyday idiots, wasting their lives, then it feels a lot better.
Over the past 2 weeks or so, as it hasn't been that long since I "opened my eyes," I've felt significantly more balanced and comfortable in almost every situation. I'm equally comfortable both completely by myself and in social situations, and I feel like people even like hanging out with me more now! I just stopped giving a fuck really, and realized the point of life is to experience life, so make the most out of it! No one, especially none of us here, can directly help you because it's something you need to find out for yourself, but hopefully this points you in the right direction.

Also, pro-tip: don't fap every day, it depletes your testosterone and makes you less able to live life to the fullest and more likely to just chill out and do nothing, ESPECIALLY if you also smoke weed.

EDIT: One last thing that also helps me. The following is the "litany against fear" from the book Dune (one of my favorites):

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Memorize this so you can recite it in your head when you find yourself in any sort of fucked up situation. I tried using it for the first time a couple of days ago and it actually had an extremely calming almost meditative effect. You just have to recognize fear for what it is and get passed it, and then you can do anything.
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Old 04-04-2012, 02:16 AM
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yeah man op i kinda have felt like that for a long time. like in highschool i always had anxiety problems, but it wasn't as bad as compared to today. Then after highschool it got a little worse, then like I thought "oh I'll go travel by myself in Europe for 5 weeks, when I come back I'll be a new man" so I just toughed it out, and then went to Europe for 5 weeks after a couple years of having a gf and just making money and stuff. Then like it was cool and everything, but on a walk in the Swiss alps I was just like "I'm HERE in the swiss alps, and it's amazing but like I'm still out here by myself, and everyone else at the hostel is having a good time and wants nothing to do with me, and I'm too nervous to do anything about it"

Well what happened next is that night, everyone in the hostel was all hanging as one, and I found these two American girls, and there wasn't many places to sit so I asked if I could sit at their table, which I was pretty nervous about, and they were all "sure! come and join us!" so like I ended up having a fun time with them that night and we all got drunk which was good for my anxiety.

So like lesson one is sometimes you just have to suck it up, and risk embarrassing yourself. But like whatever you do don't go around with your tail between your legs, if you get embarrassed or whatever then it's just like who the fuck cares.

Anyways and then I got home, and I had made a little progress, but I STILL had all this anxiety, even worse than before. I started to get real depressed and locked myself in my house all day just having no friends. So I thought I would give traveling another try, because I liked being free the first time, and then like I bought a one way ticket to london after being depressed for a year.

So like I went to London, really nervous about the trip because it just seemed like I might end up being lonely and get all depressed again, and there was nothing else to look forward to if the trip failed. But like I went anyways, and just it started being really fun after a few days at it. Like I met all kinds of people, but like the feeling was STILL there after going out to bars, and going out to drinks and stuff.

Then in that trip, I made my way down to Turkey, then Egypt for a day, then I was in Tanzania. And when I was in Tanzania, EVERYONE was looking at me. Like I was always the focus of attention, because I went out to these random towns, and areas where there wasn't any other white person in sight. Like I stuck out so bad. And I was there for two weeks and I just got used to it. Like I knew everyone was just wondering stuff about me, and I usually hate being the center of attention. But like...

I started realizing that it just doesn't matter what other people think of you. Like it sounds cliche but it really doesn't. I go places by myself, I eat by myself, and I recognized that I'm different than a lot of people, and I like different things. I stopped forcing myself to go out for drinks, and hanging out with certain people if I just didn't like them. If I'm around cool ppl I just don't care anymore as much. Like idk how to explain it but I'm in a totally different point of view now. Like I wear whatever I want and I'm my own person. And like when you're in that new frame of mind, your anxiety goes away a little bit. Just do whatever you want and when I can understand that I'M the cool person, and so many other people are just everyday idiots, wasting their lives, then it feels a lot better.

I still have some anxiety but like I kinda just realize I've already done more than most people ever will I mean like I walked around bangkok, saw the pyramids, went on a safari in africa, like got robbed by a bunch of africants, i've swam in the indian ocean, and the pacific, ocean, and walked on rox around the atlantic ocean and I went around the whole Earth, I've seen the Roman Collusseum, the effiel tower, Big Ben, and like I've been in a REAL jungle. Like nobody else has and when I talk to them now it's just like "oh yeah I'm a manager at sprint" ok??? A lot of times I feel way superior to everybody else now, and when people often ask me to do stuff that just doesn't sound fun I saw no, but I'm polite about it. I understand that I'm very introverted, I like my own thoughts, and I only need socialization like 5 hours out of the week to stay healthy. I think differently than a lot of people so I accept that fact and I don't try to like force myself to like what other people like.

Good post and good for you, but I couldn't help but face palm my way through it. Having traveled extensively by myself I have a really hard time trying to understand how you could get so much out of your travels and still remain a racist close-minded bigot. Oh well, I guess I just always assume the best of fellow travelers and at least you are open to some stuff.
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Old 04-04-2012, 08:29 AM
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I have very marked social anxiety. It's near impossible to make friends from stragers. The only acquaintances I make are in bar settings. You, as a zokleteer, should be able to revel in the cover of relative anonymity, as I do.

It's hard for me, but I try to go through it like water off a duck's back. That is, just roll with it, whatever it is. I pretend a lot. I pretend to be engaged. Sometimes I am calm or confident enough to be sincerely engaged.

The best thing I've done in such settings is sing karaoke. I really can't recommend it enough. My legs shake and my voice sometimes breaks, but I'm so anonymous I know it doesn't matter.

It gives you a bit of self confidence and you can always lounge about with the regular singers.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mr.poopypants View Post
Also it doesn't help when you have no relationship with your sister, mom, dad, or step dad.
Same here. Really. I have a sort of hostile/apathetic relationship to all my family members.

You meet a lot of interesting people in clubs and the like. Such as karaoke.

I met the love of my life through it, though I was introduced by a friend from work. We were both thinking of introducing ourselves.






Too drunk to read all of the posts. PM me if you want.
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Old 04-04-2012, 05:27 PM
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Good post and good for you, but I couldn't help but face palm my way through it. Having traveled extensively by myself I have a really hard time trying to understand how you could get so much out of your travels and still remain a racist close-minded bigot. Oh well, I guess I just always assume the best of fellow travelers and at least you are open to some stuff.
lol I'm not closed minded. I can recognize a shitty town that's full of corrupt ppl, all following the westerner around and doing whatever it takes to seperate them from their money. I for one, don't find a city full of chaos, pollution, and thieves, to be a nice place. Even if there are nice people there, I don't see why as a traveler, I have to like every place and convince myself there is beauty, just so I can fit in with all the other backpackers who think they are so open minded that they actually are very close minded because they can't admit to themselves that some places just suck.
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Old 04-04-2012, 06:38 PM
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They can help but the bottom line is always you. You can look in every dark or light corner of the internet day after day searching for something to finally motivate you or give you a cure for this but you will never succeed because the answer lies in a bunch of chemicals inside your head. You need to will the change into happening. And that has nothing to do with gayfox style just think happy and you will be happy blabber. Years of reinforcement of bad behavior have shaped you into who you are now, and you cant just decide that you will wake up one morning and be different. You can't just snap out of it. Its an uphill battle and youre gonna have to sweat every last drop to get out of this hole.

But realizing that every single action that you do that is in the direction of the person you wanna become is positive reinforcement helps. Its gonna take a long time until the strength of the new habits you are trying to form can match your old ones, and you have to be aware that every SINGLE time you do anything out of line you will be giving a huge adrenaline boost to the "bad gears" inside of you that make you run wrong. There isn't any way to do this but step by step, hour by hour, day by day.

This is drug addiction, your personality is a shitty drug and you need to quit it. Also realize that it's a lot more about the attitude than anything else. Don't let your consciousness rationalize its way into beating you. If you decided you will work out everyday for 2 weeks, then you need to do exactly that. It doesnt matter than in day x you are so tired and you think the workout wont even help anymore because you are so sore and what does it matter to miss a single day and theres this great other thing that you could be doing right now. You need to show up and you need to do as much as you can. Only then will you start to gain some faith in yourself. You are trying to kill a big part of you here, and that part is going to kick and scream its way until the very end. Don't listen to it. If you do, it will never let go of you.
This is a really good post, and I think it's probably true. It's just, god putting that into practice is so hard. I can do it for a couple of days at a time, maybe a week or two at most; trying harder, eating better, exercising, going out for walks and stuff when I really don't want to, but inevitably I can't keep it up.

Something hits me, and I just fall back into old habits, like I wake up one morning and just feel like death so I stay in bed and eat stuff all day, and then before I know it it's 4 days later and I haven't washed or left the house that whole time. Or i'll be trying to take it an hour or a day at a time, like ok do the dishes while listening to music. Have a wash, go for a walk. Do a few press-ups. And i'm doing that stuff ok, when something makes me think about the long term or like how no-one will ever hire me, and how am I ever going to keep this up for months and years, and i'm going to die anyway so what's the point? And it just brings the whole thing crashing down.

And it's like, even if I do keep all that stuff up, and get a job and start being vaguely normal, there's just no way i'm going to be able to get up at 7am 5 days a week and drag myself to work some shitty job I hate, for the vague promise that maybe I can get a better one in a year or two. I can't do that, I can't think that postively, and I don't have the willpower on a day to day basis.
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Old 04-04-2012, 06:52 PM
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I don't want to take drugs.
This is your mistake. You just don't want to take the WRONG drugs, you need the good ones that well help you achieve your desired state of mind.
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Old 04-09-2012, 03:57 PM
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This is a really good post, and I think it's probably true. It's just, god putting that into practice is so hard. I can do it for a couple of days at a time, maybe a week or two at most; trying harder, eating better, exercising, going out for walks and stuff when I really don't want to, but inevitably I can't keep it up.

Something hits me, and I just fall back into old habits, like I wake up one morning and just feel like death so I stay in bed and eat stuff all day, and then before I know it it's 4 days later and I haven't washed or left the house that whole time. Or i'll be trying to take it an hour or a day at a time, like ok do the dishes while listening to music. Have a wash, go for a walk. Do a few press-ups. And i'm doing that stuff ok, when something makes me think about the long term or like how no-one will ever hire me, and how am I ever going to keep this up for months and years, and i'm going to die anyway so what's the point? And it just brings the whole thing crashing down.

And it's like, even if I do keep all that stuff up, and get a job and start being vaguely normal, there's just no way i'm going to be able to get up at 7am 5 days a week and drag myself to work some shitty job I hate, for the vague promise that maybe I can get a better one in a year or two. I can't do that, I can't think that postively, and I don't have the willpower on a day to day basis.

It's hard because essentially you are fighting yourself. "It" knows exactly when to strike, and how to. Anyone can walk the line for a couple days, specially when for whatever reason you are highly motivated. This other part of you that wishes to remain alive (call it immaturity, instant gratification, pleasure addiction, or whatever) won't try to beat you when you are strongest. It will wait until that first spring of motivation and discipline passes, and as soon as you are momentarily weak (for whatever reason) it will strike. It seems impossible to fight against, and it should seem like that, because you are doing it to yourself. And obviously your subconscious knows exactly when you will be most vulnerable, what you are most vulnerable to and how to go about taking control back. You might feel so tired that it would be impossible to get up from the bed. Even if you wanted to, it might seem like you couldn't get anything done anyway. And so it talks you into sleeping a little, and then of course you are hungry when you wake up so you eat a little, and you just ate so you are drowsy so now you need to do something else to get your brain started - whether its playing a game or talking to a friend or watching tv or listening to music. And then when it gets you to this state where you are distracted (in truth you voluntarily allowed yourself to be taken there) it will make you forget all about the stuff you need to do. So when you finally have a glimpse of control again it will probably be too late to do what you had to anyway and you are hungry again and you couldn't get it done today so fuck today, youll do it tomorrow. Except you'll never do it tomorrow because you already lost the fight.

The only way to win in this situation, where you dont have a strong and immediate motivating factor, is to cut that shit out when it begins to happen. The first feeling that will lead towards the "old cycle "again (and you should be able to detect it, its certainly been happening for some time) is where "it" is weakest. You need to tell it to go fuck itself, you are tired sure but people have done way harder things with a lot less resources. So fuck being tired, do what you have to anyway and you can sleep at night at the time you actually should be sleeping. The reason its hard to do is because this undisciplined part of you that you are trying to master isn't all bad - in fact it IS you, and theres a lot of good things that it has given you over the years and will continue to give you. You aren't trying to destroy it, but to master it. It's not really your enemy, but you have to believe it is while trying to tame it to make it happen. Of course it will be screaming that its bloody murder in your subconscious all the way through.

This doesn't just happen with not starting something you should be doing because you are tired - there's a million different ways in which it can apply. I just said that because you said you wake up one morning and feel like death sometimes and it goes downhill from there. Think of it as a hill, when you start falling you still have a slim chance to get back up because you are close to the top. You struggle a little and you are at the peak again. But if you let yourself fall too much there is no way you will climb the whole thing by yourself.
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  #35  
Old 04-09-2012, 04:34 PM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

As long as you sit in that spot and become stagnant with your own thoughts consumed about yourself & what's wrong and there's no one else in that sphere, I think depression is imminent. I don't think you can avoid it, because you're just closing in on yourself.

Your thoughts are defeating your own self-worth, making it impossible to feel good about yourself, and therefore making you depressed.

The first step to recovery is awareness. You need to recognize these negative, self-defeating perceptions of yourself & be able to choose what you think about.

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Last edited by Akagi; 04-09-2012 at 04:36 PM.
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  #36  
Old 04-09-2012, 04:46 PM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

Read the book called NOW. its short and to the point. It might really help.
Push your self out of your comfort zone.
Go get them boots and be excited and happy about it. YOU GOT A JOB.
Things are getting better. You control your problems. Now that you know them, work on them. Be the best you. Norhing less. Things will than fall into place.

Last edited by Midwest; 04-09-2012 at 04:51 PM.
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  #37  
Old 04-09-2012, 08:40 PM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

I think I could be a lot more content with...

Friends, a secure future, job, money, something to look forward to in the future.

I'm telling you though, I was pretty fucking depressed for a couple weeks, like hardcore couldn't eat/sleep for days at a time. Things always get better, but it takes time to relearn how to be a happy person again.
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  #38  
Old 04-09-2012, 08:47 PM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

Whoever is more confident in their beliefs will prevail.
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  #39  
Old 04-10-2012, 01:48 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Oink The Pig View Post
It's hard because essentially you are fighting yourself. "It" knows exactly when to strike, and how to. Anyone can walk the line for a couple days, specially when for whatever reason you are highly motivated. This other part of you that wishes to remain alive (call it immaturity, instant gratification, pleasure addiction, or whatever) won't try to beat you when you are strongest. It will wait until that first spring of motivation and discipline passes, and as soon as you are momentarily weak (for whatever reason) it will strike. It seems impossible to fight against, and it should seem like that, because you are doing it to yourself. And obviously your subconscious knows exactly when you will be most vulnerable, what you are most vulnerable to and how to go about taking control back. You might feel so tired that it would be impossible to get up from the bed. Even if you wanted to, it might seem like you couldn't get anything done anyway. And so it talks you into sleeping a little, and then of course you are hungry when you wake up so you eat a little, and you just ate so you are drowsy so now you need to do something else to get your brain started - whether its playing a game or talking to a friend or watching tv or listening to music. And then when it gets you to this state where you are distracted (in truth you voluntarily allowed yourself to be taken there) it will make you forget all about the stuff you need to do. So when you finally have a glimpse of control again it will probably be too late to do what you had to anyway and you are hungry again and you couldn't get it done today so fuck today, youll do it tomorrow. Except you'll never do it tomorrow because you already lost the fight.

The only way to win in this situation, where you dont have a strong and immediate motivating factor, is to cut that shit out when it begins to happen. The first feeling that will lead towards the "old cycle "again (and you should be able to detect it, its certainly been happening for some time) is where "it" is weakest. You need to tell it to go fuck itself, you are tired sure but people have done way harder things with a lot less resources. So fuck being tired, do what you have to anyway and you can sleep at night at the time you actually should be sleeping. The reason its hard to do is because this undisciplined part of you that you are trying to master isn't all bad - in fact it IS you, and theres a lot of good things that it has given you over the years and will continue to give you. You aren't trying to destroy it, but to master it. It's not really your enemy, but you have to believe it is while trying to tame it to make it happen. Of course it will be screaming that its bloody murder in your subconscious all the way through.

This doesn't just happen with not starting something you should be doing because you are tired - there's a million different ways in which it can apply. I just said that because you said you wake up one morning and feel like death sometimes and it goes downhill from there. Think of it as a hill, when you start falling you still have a slim chance to get back up because you are close to the top. You struggle a little and you are at the peak again. But if you let yourself fall too much there is no way you will climb the whole thing by yourself.
You seem really knowledgable about this shit. Did you go through this yourself?

Anyway, it's really good advice, it's just putting it into practice is a fucking bitch. Also, another thing I have to worry about is that I actively can't get too high, I almost can't be too happy because then I go off the other end, I have no limiter. Last summer I was trying really hard, being more sociable and volunteering with this charity and writing a load of stuff for a magazine we were going to put together. Anyway one thing led to another, and they put me in a mental ward again. Which just killed my momentum and energy bang dead, and left me depressed and bitter as fuck. And i've pretty much done nothing this winter.
It's fucked up because the first time it happened a few years ago, I could kind of think "ok well that was just the one time and it hasn't happened since." But twice sets a pattern, and now it's like it could happen any time again.

And also, when i'm being more active and pro-active about stuff, my mind kind of wakes up again and thinks about all this shit and I just feel way more vulnerable and exposed. Day to day you can ignore it, until you can't again and it fucks you over. When you're just doing nothing and down in that kind of half underground feeling, you feel like crap, but it's mostly steadier and easier to deal with. But when you try, you open yourself up for failure and just generally to sharper feelings, you know? And i'm so bad at dealing with those feelings, I mostly just internalise them or sometimes lash out and break stuff.
Sometimes I can use them constructively to rage workout or something, but then I just get depressed at how unfit I am.

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  #40  
Old 04-10-2012, 01:56 AM
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Default Re: Self hate and suicidal ideation

I dont have a lot of time, so Ill try to make this quick. I wish I could tell you things get better, but they dont. You have to FORCE things to be better. Figue out what you want. Thats probably part of the anxiety/depression- indecision, resistance to change. Im about to turn 24 in a few months though, and I still seriously think about killing myself every other day or so. I just havent found the guts yet. I really think the heroin is the only thing keeping me alive. I was a lot more sure and committed when I wasnt a junkie. If i wouldve had a gun back then, I wouldve killed myself, 100% without question. Addiction makes you a bitch. Anyway- thats it for now. Maybe make a list of what you would want for your life if money was no object...what would really make you happy. Then compromise those things a bit (if theyre pricey dreams), and ten figure out what youd need to do to make it happen.
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