Joining the Taliban

[Mutant Funk Drink]

I heard on the radio the other day that the Taliban has begun recruiting again.

My life isn't going anywhere, and I figure a drastic change in lifestyle and location might be interesting. So how exactly does one join the Taliban? I know I'd have to convert to Islam, but how would I get in contact with the Taliban? Is there an official website or even a mailing address?

[Jaxxun]

Just add their facebook group and shoot them a message.

[gadzooks]

I hear they're also on Twitter...

[gadzooks]

Originally Posted by gadzooks

I hear they're also on Twitter...

Oh wait, that's Al-Qaeda...

http://twitter.com/#!/alqaeda

[yawanur]

you haven't even signed up for the newsletter yet?!

abdul is bringing snacks to the meeting next week, don't miss out

[gadzooks]

Originally Posted by yawanur

you haven't even signed up for the newsletter yet?!

abdul is bringing snacks to the meeting next week, don't miss out

Paula??

[gadzooks]

Originally Posted by Kipohippo

You idiots didn't even link him to the official registration form.


http://taliban_registration_form_2012.allah

They don't use that one anymore.

It had the option to indicate gender on it.

They obviously had to recall it since no woman was allowed to join.

...except Paula Abdul.

[RackinOnUp604]

...LOL taliban, bunch of fucking towelheads hahahaha smell like curry

[jheit8]

Originally Posted by yawanur

you haven't even signed up for the newsletter yet?!

abdul is bringing snacks to the meeting next week, don't miss out

I just download the newsletter online
http://al-malahem.com/Epic/Inspire/9/

[TORTILLA]

Convert to Islam (know your shit though ie Koran and the Hadiths) and make sure you're a Sunni. Travel to Waziristan, Pakistan. You're going to need to speak Arabic, and at least some Wazirwola.

If you really did what was said above, arose no suspicion by the U.S. gov, it would be likely cakewalk from there. You're best bet at survival would be to join the Haqqani Network, who are fucking shit up right now.

Good luck, God Willing

edit - I do not condone this though nor support it. AND OP prolly has FBI cyber dept. on their watch list now lul

[tomjonesa22]

Are you fucking dumb don't post that shit on zok it's not even a funny joke your gonna bring mad heat here on us

[curioushat]

Originally Posted by Mutant Funk Drink

I heard on the radio the other day that the Taliban has begun recruiting again.

My life isn't going anywhere, and I figure a drastic change in lifestyle and location might be interesting. So how exactly does one join the Taliban? I know I'd have to convert to Islam, but how would I get in contact with the Taliban? Is there an official website or even a mailing address?

Start a thread about it on Zoklet.

[p6867]

I'm sure dying alone surrounded by child raping arabs in a distemperate hellhole to be vilified in your own country to further the cause of killing kids for going to school or forcing 10 year olds to be suicide bombers on the threat of killing their families in order to reestablish a corrupt, brutal tribal theocracy is the best thing you could do break the stagnant pattern of your life.

Go to Pakistan or Yemen. go to very anti west imams and shop yourself around. Everyone is going to assume your an infidel spy, but I'm sure they'll treat you as just another one of the guys. They're known for being a compassionate and understanding lot.

[The Pat-Man]

lol


On the job hazards include



- Recieving 5 and a half millimeter bits of metal in places you didnt know you had

- unexpected intrusion of 12 centimeter smoothbore HE rounds in the living room of your not so spacious mudhut

- when your convoy of heavily armed high tech toyota heluxes is suddenly evaporated by a 40 mm autocannon from above the clouds

- road bomb didnt work so well, say, isnt the turret of that bradley turning towards us?

[Tachosomoza]

Fuck the Taliban. If there was an insurgency I'd join, it'd be FARC, or the May 19th Group/Weather Underground back in the day. Somali pirates are awesome too.

They do fuck up and resist the US war machine, though....

[Rolf]

Originally Posted by Tachosomoza

If there was an insurgency I'd join, it'd be FARC

You really are moronic, Anastasia, notes Rolf.

[DirtySanchez]

Originally Posted by Tachosomoza

Fuck the Taliban. If there was an insurgency I'd join, it'd be FARC, or the May 19th Group/Weather Underground back in the day. Somali pirates are awesome too.

They do fuck up and resist the US war machine, though....

And I'll laugh when FARC turns around and decides to hold you for ransom.

[Tachosomoza]

Nah, they'd do better just to kill me.

[is all mememememe with me]

Originally Posted by tomjonesa22

Are you fucking dumb don't post that shit on zok it's not even a funny joke your gonna bring mad heat here on us

this place is mustard already, hahah

OP, i heard somalia is mostly an al quieda stronghold and you can prove your worth to them there by fighting the ugandan army. but like someone already said, they will assume you to be a western spy and kill you, i really can't see them so in desperate need of one man that they would take a chance. they got bunches of rag heads willing to die for them, so why would they. you never know tho.

[da teacha]

Whatever you do, don't forget to use gloves and hide behind at least 7 proxies.

[da teacha]

Originally Posted by is all mememememe with me

this place is mustard already, hahah

OP, i heard somalia is mostly an al quieda stronghold and you can prove your worth to them there by fighting the ugandan army. but like someone already said, they will assume you to be a western spy and kill you, i really can't see them so in desperate need of one man that they would take a chance. they got bunches of rag heads willing to die for them, so why would they. you never know tho.

To infiltrate western military/intel, etc?

Kill some civvies en-mass, and they'll start thinking you're serious.

[Irukanji]

GJ noobs, you are only attracting more and more feds. Fuck the Taliban, when we finally get out of that shit hole, they will STILL be killing each other. They are mindless, stupid, cunts who are brainwashed to believe in the magical place in the sky where they can get their 47 virgins and meet Allah himself. Too bad they didn't get the memo that God/s don't exist, or maybe they did but they blew it up.

Anyway, the only way the Taliban will ever win is if it gets smart and sides with us. We're happy to get their country into a self-sufficient place, then we can invest in them and profit, and then the Taliban and their people will benefit and everybody wins.

Logic and Islam don't go together.

[Erorr]

Posting in a government monitored thread

[yawanur]

Originally Posted by Irukanji

GJ noobs, you are only attracting more and more feds.

and? who gives a shit? oh noes the fedz might find out a bunch of weed smoking basement dwellers like to joke about terrorism

[ZappaFan]

BYOT

Bring your own towel

[p6867]

Originally Posted by Irukanji

GJ noobs, you are only attracting more and more feds. Fuck the Taliban, when we finally get out of that shit hole, they will STILL be killing each other. They are mindless, stupid, cunts who are brainwashed to believe in the magical place in the sky where they can get their 47 virgins and meet Allah himself. Too bad they didn't get the memo that God/s don't exist, or maybe they did but they blew it up.

Anyway, the only way the Taliban will ever win is if it gets smart and sides with us. We're happy to get their country into a self-sufficient place, then we can invest in them and profit, and then the Taliban and their people will benefit and everybody wins.

Logic and Islam don't go together.

Not everyone wants what we want. The American military always makes this mistake, they assume everyone's like us. They want capitalism and office jobs and that shit. In the case of the Pushtun, the majority tribe of Afghanistan that make up pretty much all of the taliban, they don't want that shit at all. They want something to hate, someone to kill and to play Rambo 3 in the mountains for the rest of time. The western world has this idea that everyone would be a western capitalist if given the chance, but not everyone is like us.

The pushtun want to have the every man is the clan leader of his own family way of life where women are brood mares and 8 year old boys are sex objects and no one knows how to defrag a pc but everyone knows how strip an ak. They want it to be the 16th century for ever.

[Tachosomoza]

Originally Posted by Irukanji

GJ noobs, you are only attracting more and more feds. Fuck the Taliban, when we finally get out of that shit hole, they will STILL be killing each other. They are mindless, stupid, cunts who are brainwashed to believe in the magical place in the sky where they can get their 47 virgins and meet Allah himself. Too bad they didn't get the memo that God/s don't exist, or maybe they did but they blew it up.

Anyway, the only way the Taliban will ever win is if it gets smart and sides with us. We're happy to get their country into a self-sufficient place, then we can invest in them and profit, and then the Taliban and their people will benefit and everybody wins.

Logic and Islam don't go together.

Hmmm...sounds familiar.

[p6867]

Originally Posted by Tachosomoza

Hmmm...sounds familiar.

I don't remember Jerry Falwell as being one of our elected leaders. And in the military we can choose to be religious or not. A large difference with the taliban, which has religious affiliation as a requirement not just of membership, but being allowed to live.

[Tachosomoza]

I don't support the Taliban, I just thought it was funny how Irukanji knocks Islam for stuff that Christianity is known for as well. Christians in the USA don't bury LGBTQ people under rocks/burn them at the stake/lynch them, or stone women, but they would if they could.

[p6867]

Originally Posted by Tachosomoza

I don't support the Taliban, I just thought it was funny how Irukanji knocks Islam for stuff that Christianity is known for as well. Christians in the USA don't bury LGBTQ people under rocks/burn them at the stake/lynch them, or stone women, but they would if they could.

The difference being we live in a society that let's people do what they want as long as it doesn't trample other people. You can't judge a society on their worst people, but on what powers they give to those people.

[Tachosomoza]

Yeah. That's why same sex marriage is comm...nevermind.

[The Pat-Man]

Originally Posted by Tachosomoza

Christians in the USA don't bury LGBTQ people under rocks/burn them at the stake/lynch them, or stone women, but they would if they could.

are you, like, being serious?

[p6867]

Originally Posted by The Pat-Man

are you, like, being serious?

I'm sure some would, but the majority wouldn't.

[Sanzenbacher]

Originally Posted by Tachosomoza

Fuck the Taliban. If there was an insurgency I'd join, it'd be FARC, or the May 19th Group/Weather Underground back in the day. Somali pirates are awesome too.

They do fuck up and resist the US war machine, though....

Resisting the government control, imperialism, expansionist policies, etc. of the United States is a good thing, IMO.

Plus, FARC has many females for some reason.





mitebcool

[Asheville]

Originally Posted by TORTILLA

Convert to Islam (know your shit though ie Koran and the Hadiths) and make sure you're a Sunni. Travel to Waziristan, Pakistan. You're going to need to speak Arabic, and at least some Wazirwola.

If you really did what was said above, arose no suspicion by the U.S. gov, it would be likely cakewalk from there. You're best bet at survival would be to join the Haqqani Network, who are fucking shit up right now.

Good luck, God Willing

edit - I do not condone this though nor support it. AND OP prolly has FBI cyber dept. on their watch list now lul

I'm sure they would jump at the chance to have a white American in their ranks as a propaganda tool. You don't need to speak Arabic or Pashtun, but it might help. The problem is, once you get tired of the ignorant religous-fanaticism, you will have a much harder time leaving the Taliban, as white people are already targeted for death in Afghanistan. Also, good luck fighting the U.S. Armed Forces. Maybe you can plant some IED's and carry an AK-47 but good luck dodging a drone strike when the CIA locates your cracker ass! You would enjoy yourself a lot more in the US Army.

[reggie_love]

Well, clicking on this thread probably just put me on all of the lists.

Good day, gentlemen.

[Iskalla]

Haha, what an ambition.

The qu'ran does give permission to attack non-believers if they attack you first. It gives you permission to defend a mosque violently. It's pretty unsettling how somebody like me, who doesn't know the first thing about Islam, can find passages with no effort saying I'll go straight to heaven if I fight on the behalf of Allah. I can't imagine what years of indoctrination would do. I hear believers experience a sense of inner peace and tranquility on the build up to carrying out a suicide bomb attack, there is no doubt in their mind they are going to paradise and doing their bit for God down here on earth.

A friend gave me the Quran, I tried to read it with an open mind, and to avoid challenging any of the ideas. I just couldn't do it, the constant emphasis on punishment and suffering makes it a draining read. I want some scholar who claims islam is a religion of peace to help me out.

I want to go Azerbaijan at some point and join a Sufi order.