How to be annoying at the poker table.

[whocares]

Texas holdem is boring. Especially if you take it seriously. But everyone finds themselves sitting down at the green oval holdem table from time to time due to peer-pressure or curiosity of poker.

There's plenty of Texas holdem books, Texas holdem websites, and Texas holdem instructors that can teach you Texas holdem strategy and techniques and bullshit on how to play well. But none of that really matters because even if you play poker better than everyone at the table, you'll still lose all your money to the rake. So if you're going to lose money playing Texas holdem, at least do it with some style.

So in case you find yourself stranded in a Casino with $500 in your pocket, here are some practical Texas holdem tips and strategies that I've come up with.

• Talk constantly about girl problems, family problems, financial problems, anything personal.
  
• Blow smoke into the middle of the Texas holdem table.
  
• Tip the dealer a quarter on a huge pot and say, "Here ya go, buuuudy."
  
• Ask if you can deal.
  
• When you catch a lucky river, tell people it was all skill.
  
• Say, "Alright, let's see some pocket aces" every time you're dealt.
  
• Always claim to have the stone-cold nuts on every flop. If the flop is king-king-three, say, "Wow, good thing I didn't fold my pocket kings heheheh."
  
• If you folded before the flop, say, "Dammit, I would have won that hand."
  
• When you get dealt Aces, check to the river and whine about how your pocket aces always get snapped.
  
• Accuse people of being suck-outs when you never had anything to begin with.
  
• State the obvious after the fact. "Man, you should have folded."
  
• Inform others in great detail of how they screwed up and what they can do to correct their playing flaws.
  
• Request a deck change every three hands.
  
• Change seats constantly and complain it's because of the smokers. Make all your complaints in betwee drags.
  
• Ask people why they're wearing sunglasses inside.
  
• Contemplate every decision for at least thirty seconds.
  
• Completely misuse poker jargon. "Sweet! I have the inside outside nutter butter gutshut flush-house draw."
  
• When it's your blind, throw the chips into the dealers fingers while he's shuffling.
  
• Dress up like a Jew with the hair curlies and everything. Then buy in for ten thousand dollars and don't play a single hand.
  
• Bitch constantly.
  
• Bring a plastic animal and play from its point of view. Example: "Biglette the Frog folds"... "Biglette the Frog raises".. "Biglette the Frog is not pleased with the river card."
  
• Make awful puns.
  
• -"Damn, my river was dry."
• -"I fold.. tower."
• -"Four to call.. protocol..."
• -"I'm raisin.. no, no, like sundried."
• -"I'm pot commited. I just can't stop smoking the stuff."
• -"Look, I have a chip on my shoulder."
• -"I check.. oslavokia."
• -"I put almonds in the freezer and got the stone cold nuts."
  
• Set a picture of a famous poker player in front of you. Show him your cards and ask for advice. "What do you think, Mr. Moneymaker?"
  
• Pick at your chode underneath the table and smear the underbutter on the chips and cards.
  
• Quote KGB.
  
• Tell neighbors stories about really lame hands you've had. "Last week I caught an ace on the turn and won hahahaha."
  
• - When you lose, say, "Sure, you may have won the chips, but I won the satisfaction of knowing you're touching chips that I tainted with chode paste."
  
• Count out large bets in stacks of two.
  
• Always ask the dealer, "How much can I bet?"
  
• Always put the wrong number of chips out.
  
• Ask the dealer to slow down.
  
• Ask other people what they had.
  
• Whenever you lose, sigh and mutter, "Every blind squirrel finds a nut."
  
• Buy 400 chips and set them in front of you in stacks of five.
  
• Stack your chips like stairs and be like, "Look, it's stairs." And have your plastic animal climb up and down them and make faggity little sound effects.

http://ninjapirate.com/article/holdem

[Mirana]

Doing these would be hilarious. I would really like to see someone make a youtube channel just for videos of them trolling with this shit

[Haiti's Space Agency]

Originally Posted by whocares

[*] Bring a plastic animal and play from its point of view. Example: "Biglette the Frog folds"... "Biglette the Frog raises".. "Biglette the Frog is not pleased with the river card."

lmao

[Proots]

A lot of these suggestions are hilarious. Good post. I don't know how intoxicated I'd have to be to muster up the courage to do some of these, though. Will be passing this on to friends. Thanks!

If I was a dealer and someone kept asking me how much they could bet and constantly put the wrong number of chips out, it would drive me up a wall. Hilarious!

[whocares]

Lol, I've come up with a few more on my own.

• Constantly ask "What's 1st prize?" in a cash game.
• When you get pocket Kings, fold them but "accidentally" show it, then complain about how you never get anything.
• Ask the dealer, "Can I double down?"
• When you lose all your money, take out some monopoly money and dump them on the table. Then act surprised and put it back in your pocket, and say, "Oops."
• Scream and jump out of your seat everytime you win a five dollar pot.
• Ask the dealer, "So which suits beats what again?"
• Accuse the dealer of cheating.
• Keep calling the clock on yourself.
• Keep on saying "I'm ALL... out", and pull your stack back.
• Pray to God everytime you're in a big pot and say "In Jesus' name, Amen" outloud, at the end of each prayer.
• When the dealer asks you for your Casino card, "accidentily" throw out a gay bar's business card, and act embarrassed and take it back and say, "Oops".
• Keep asking your opponents if they're sure what they're doing.
• Claim to have a joker in your hand.
• Keep elbowing the dealer and say, "I thought we had a deal!" and deny any sort of colluding with the dealer.
• When you have a pocket aces, act confused and say, "Man, fuck this game" and push all in and run away screaming.

[Haiti's Space Agency]

On the river card yell out GO FISH

[Painzstake]

Poker (Rémi Gaillard) - YouTube

Poker (Rémi Gaillard) - YouTube
Video: click to display

Poker - The saga continues (Rémi Gaillard) - YouTube

Poker - The saga continues (Rémi Gaillard) - YouTube
Video: click to display

[sexually vulnerable CPR dummy]

[Captain Falcon]

whocares123

[Snoopy]

Get drunk and throw up on the table.

[Lollygagger]

Originally Posted by whocares

Lol, I've come up with a few more on my own.

• Constantly ask "What's 1st prize?" in a cash game.
  

This one cash game I was at this guy hit trip 7s on the flop and shoved all his chips in. When someone called him he said 'Roy wins the game' and threw in his cards with 2 cards to go. The other person rivered a bigger set. We all laughed and laughed.

[Morb]

Complaining when people win because they were lucky, even though they were playing stupidly, like Phil Hellmuth used to do (what do you want, for them to start playing better?).

[Psych]

Top 5 Phil Hellmuth Explosions - YouTube

Top 5 Phil Hellmuth Explosions - YouTube
Video: click to display

Just do like this guy does.

[Captain Falcon]

Do this:

Poker (Rémi Gaillard) - YouTube

Poker (Rémi Gaillard) - YouTube
Video: click to display

[moron]

Originally Posted by Snoopy

Get drunk and throw up on the table.

this one actually made me lol

[SoulButter]

Keep sneazing into your hands right before you handle any cards or chips.

[Snoopy]

Originally Posted by moron

this one actually made me lol

Yeah well nothing else will actually piss off seasoned poker players. The best way to piss off someone at the table safe from pissing/shitting yourself and throwing up is to be calm, still and repeat the same simple motions/phrases for hours during a game. Which is what most poker players do anyway.

[whocares]

Originally Posted by Snoopy

Yeah well nothing else will actually piss off seasoned poker players. The best way to piss off someone at the table safe from pissing/shitting yourself and throwing up is to be calm, still and repeat the same simple motions/phrases for hours during a game. Which is what most poker players do anyway.

Lol, you live in Serbia. No poker player who plays in Serbian casinos are "seasoned poker players", trust me.

[Snoopy]

Originally Posted by whocares

Lol, you live in Serbia. No poker player who plays in Serbian casinos are "seasoned poker players", trust me.

People who play poker in casinos are homosexuals by default.

[whocares]

Originally Posted by Snoopy

People who play poker in casinos are homosexuals by default.

Didn't you say you were at the casino? So are you gay by default?

[Snoopy]

Originally Posted by whocares

Didn't you say you were at the casino? So are you gay by default?

Didn't you say you were mad? So are you mad?

[whocares]

Originally Posted by Snoopy

Didn't you say you were mad? So are you mad?

[Snoopy]

[REDiXP]

I actually laughed at something on the internet besides stand up comedy. Not often that happens. Congratulations

[( )]

A few more (that might get you attacked in the parking lot):

• Slow roll every given chance
• Constantly try to shoot angles, announce strong hands at showdown when holding trash, hide the big chips behind your stack, pump fake, makes your actions ambiguous and deny them when they go against you such as claiming you never called when beat, etc . . .
• Call the floor over stupid shit
• Don't shower or change clothes for a week (pretty standard though)
• Sexually harass the women including dealers
• Say generally offensives and unacceptable things
• Act like one of the donks who thinks they're god and watched too many poker movies and pokers shows by constantly staring people down, asking things like "do you have the flush?", "show if I fold?" every hand, as mentioned taking 2 minutes ever decision, and acting like 2 dollar blinds are serious. Don't forget sun glasses and a cap/hoodie
• Be the poker coach and constantly tell people what they should have done, preferably giving retarded advice
• Min raise from the blinds in a limped pot, especially when most or all of the table has limped
• Min bet in bloated multi-way pots
• Get food on the table, chips, and cards
• Spill drinks on the table and people
• Knock over the chip stack of the person next to you "accidentally"
• Needle people every time they lose a pot, sarcasm tends to be more annoying
• Claim a player is cheating, marking cards, what ever

Maybe I'll think of more later

[moron]

eat the cards

[whocares]

Some more:

• Claim you're the captain of the table and assign roles to your opponents, "Okay, you're the bowman, you're the chef, and I'm the captain."
• Slurp loudly whenever there's a big pot and players are thinking.
• Quietly buy-in and sit down for a short moment. Then leave, completely change outfits and sit back down like nothing happened.
• Read poker books while playing.
• Take a chip off your stack and make it spin on the table. When it stops spinning, complain about gravity.
• When it's checked to you on the flop heads-up, fold and accuse your opponent of bluffing.
• Stare down your opponents when you're not even involved in the hand.
• Ask to play blackjack for just one round.

[whocares]

Originally Posted by ( )

• Slow roll every given chance
• Constantly try to shoot angles, announce strong hands at showdown when holding trash, hide the big chips behind your stack, pump fake, makes your actions ambiguous and deny them when they go against you such as claiming you never called when beat, etc . . .
• Call the floor over stupid shit

Lol doing things will definitely get you kicked out.

[sexually vulnerable CPR dummy]

Start betting crack rocks

[JeffreyH]

• Whenever someone is not using a chip protector, when you fold, aim your cards at their cards. If you manage to hit, their cards have to go in the muck. Bonus points if they are already all-in and you get them to muck Aces.

[Snoopy]

Originally Posted by JeffreyH

• Whenever someone is not using a chip protector, when you fold, aim your cards at their cards. If you manage to hit, their cards have to go in the muck. Bonus points if they are already all-in and you get them to muck Aces.

I'm sorry, but I think you're confusing the game of POGS with the game of POKER. Check with your moms.

[Captain Falcon]

Originally Posted by JeffreyH

• Whenever someone is not using a chip protector, when you fold, aim your cards at their cards. If you manage to hit, their cards have to go in the muck. Bonus points if they are already all-in and you get them to muck Aces.

That's just going to get your ass beaten. People who gamble don't fuck around. Also, anyone but the dumbest will always be protecting their cards, so whatever.

[( )]

Originally Posted by whocares

Lol doing things will definitely get you kicked out.

Not necessarily, most rooms are a lot more tolerant of angle shots and general douche-baggery than you would think, since most angle shots don't even violate any rules. Just look at the all the dirty moves that happened during the WSOP (including the cash games) this year, often with the floor making mind bending rulings in favor of the bastard. One guy kept tabling trash and calling out strong hands (with it working sometimes) and he wasn't even threatened with a penalty until after having done it several times. Although purposely annoying the floor might be a different story, and pulling that stuff at a private game would definitely lead to you getting kicked out and possibly the shit out of you as well.

[Snoopy]

Originally Posted by ( )

Not necessarily, most rooms are a lot more tolerant of angle shots and general douche-baggery than you would think, since most angle shots don't even violate any rules. Just look at the all the dirty moves that happened during the WSOP (including the cash games) this year, often with the floor making mind bending rulings in favor of the bastard. One guy kept tabling trash and calling out strong hands (with it working sometimes) and he wasn't even threatened with a penalty until after having done it several times. Although purposely annoying the floor might be a different story, and pulling that stuff at a private game would definitely lead to you getting kicked out and possibly the shit out of you as well.

The poker games they show on tv are just that, show.

[whocares]

Lol, just thought of a few more:

• If your opponent is waiting for you to call and is keeping his head down, splash some chips to get his reaction.
• After you win a huge pot from the table, say "You guys are too good, I'm gonna need to change tables." Then leave the table and condescendingly head straight to the cashier.
• Pretend you're in the WSOP with hole-cams. Always place your cards in the "hole-cam" area. Before mucking, make sure the "hole-cam" saw your cards.
• Say, "Raise a million."
• Hurry the dealer and say, "C'mon, I got kids to feed."
• Explain in great details to your opponents the importance of bluffing. Then when they bluff and lose, say "Man, why didn't you fold?"
• Ask the dealer to "hit you".

[JeffreyH]

• In a heads up pot, when a scary card drops on the river and your opponent is distracted / looks away, quickly muck your cards without him noticing, then say, "I'm all in!".

[whocares]

Originally Posted by JeffreyH

• In a heads up pot, when a scary card drops on the river and your opponent is distracted / looks away, quickly muck your cards without him noticing, then say, "I'm all in!".

You mean like this?

Antonio Esfandiari scares crap out of Daniel Negreanu - YouTube

Antonio Esfandiari scares crap out of Daniel Negreanu - YouTube
Video: click to display

[JeffreyH]

Originally Posted by whocares

You mean like this?

Antonio Esfandiari scares crap out of Daniel Negreanu - YouTube

That was the one I was referring to.

LOL at 1:25: "You're funny Antonio, wanna fuck?"

[whocares]

• Walk in like this
  
• When a player loses all his chips, say "At least you didn't lose everything... oh wait"
• Ask for permission to go to the bathroom.