Farewell BLTC: From Inside the System - Panthrax

[killing]

Hey guys, I've been keeping in touch to panthrax through letters. In the most recent one, he asked me to post the following on BLTC. Since that's down, I'm posting it here.
After a few days I will print out this thread and mail it to him, so if you have anything to say to him, put it here. If you have something more private to say to him, catch me on irc. I'm an op in #bltc so I'm there pretty often.

From Panthrax:
BLTC, as most of you probably already know, I've been sentenced to go to prison. For those of you who don't, I was sentenced on poss. of heroin, poss. of cocaine, and possession of oxycodone with intent to distribute charges. I received a 20 serve 5 sentence. Due to the overpopulation of the Georgia prison system, I am likely to parole out after 12-14 months have been served. Although, I could serve 18 months. I have 6 months already served which goes towards my sentence.

I just wanted to let you all know that I am done with the drug life and unfortunately, that includes BLTC. I'll still keep in touch with you guys while I'm in the chain-gang + even while I'm out but as far as returning to BLTC as a moderator or a regular member, I can't. The temptation would be too much for this ex-junkie to handle. I've had a lot of fun over the past 9 (almost 10) years of being a drug addict, don't get me wrong. I've met a lot of really cool people and have even made a few friends along the way. BLTC itself has even produced some good friends of mine that I've gotten to know outside of this message board and IRC channels. But all of the negative aspects of drug abuse has proven to be more than I'm willing to deal with any longer. The time I've spent here really allowed me to re-evaluate my priorities in life. Being sober this long has allowed me to see the world in a new perspective.

I want a good education, a career, a home, and a family one day. My drugs of choice would not allow such things. I can honestly say that cocaine and heroin were the tools I used to damn near ruin my life. Meta, you were right all along. I should've left it alone and especially left the needle alone. I lost my car, my house, a lot of personal belongings to pawn shops, and now my freedom. I foolishly went against the advise of others and became a full blown junkie who was spiraling out of control. I lost basically everything and almost my life on more than one occasion.

What I'm trying to say is, let me be an example of how drugs can sneak up and kick the shit out of you. I thought I could keep it under control. And I did, for a long time. But eventually, drugs became the #1 in my life.
Those of you who have never been there won't understand (or possibly even agree) with a word I'm saying. But that's okay. I hope none of you ever have to find out the hard way.

Haha, I bet none of you ever thought ol' uncle Panny would be preachin' this bullshit. I know I didn't.

Well, all of you be good. If you're gonna continue to get thigh, first learn to appreciate the power of the drugs you're using and the nature of man before you jump head first into it.

BLTC, I've learned a lot since my arrival here in 2002. I'll never forget it. It's been real...
- Panthrax

[i<3Shrooms]

Hmmm.....Good luck to you man. Hopefully you will find what you're looking for.

*Shoots some morphine*
Ahhhhhh

Lol, I kid...
But seriously, good luck, and thanks for all the info n such. Btw, will your site stay up?

This shit is fucked up....totse dies and now panthrax is in Jail....fucked up year so far... >=[

[Intoxicated Shaman]

Damn, that sucks.

Killing, I'll be shooting you a PM for him later.

[Death Snuggle]

I realized you got locked up and were serving time, but I didn't realize to what extent. It's quite disheartening to know someone you listened to for such a long time is now incarcerated for the reality behind their words. I know I never really got to know you like some of the others did, but you were one of the few posters I grew up reading. You were one of the people that helped me become what I am today, whatever that may be. I hope your journey back to "normality" goes well.

[Herpy Derpy]

Which prison is he in?

[Thought Riot]

good luck cleaning up. You sound like you're serious about it and really want it.

[h0ppinlowrider]

Damn Panny I had no idea you were facing that much. The last time I heard from you, you were trying to get money for a lawyer from us, guess that didnt work out too good. Best of luck to you and be sure to stop by the new totse (totse shut town) which is zok's site. Im sure someone will give it to you when you get out. So you can atleast update us and check to see who is still alive. Be safe dude.

[k4aic]

I completely understand what he is saying. For almost 3 years, out of 5 of drug use/abuse it became my #1 priority above family, and friends, and work...

I too got myself into troubles stemming from wanting to get or be high all the time. I am pretty much straight now, but agree until it catches up to you ...you think it will never happen. I was shooting H, fentanyl, oxys...doing pills..yea..I was pretty bad off..so I know what its like.

All I got to say to him, is stick with it dude, and hope staying clean is as important to him when he is on the outside cause that is when its the hardest..and good luck!

[WikieWaters]

Damn. I remember Panthrax from back in my AF days, back when Nox modded the politics forum. I'm happy for you though. I'm coming up on two years clean and sober, and can honestly say, that this thread made my day. I don't know you, but any junky off the street tells my story.

Stay strong. Stay true.

[Psynthetic]

I've had this saved on my computer for ages, and don't remember what it's from.

[Lucid_Dreamer]

Damn, I'm sorry to hear that. I knew the situation, but I didn't realize it was that bad.

I always had mixed feelings about Panny. I thought he was sort of a wisenheimer who thought he knew more/better than he actually did, ect...

But, he is a good guy, and was a good contributing member/mod. I always respected him, and considered him a "Totse friend"....

I respect him more now for the words he's shared because they are very wise. I came to similar realizations about my life not too long ago, and I know how hard it is to change what amounts to your fundamental world-view/philosophy.

I hope someone will pass my best wishes of good luck to him in his new sober life. There is life after addiction Panny, and I think you've got good things ahead of you.

[RobinHood]

Seems to be a light sentence, you must have been convicted in Fulton County.A friend of mine did 5 years for stealing a pack of cigarettes from a car in Muscogee county...He was recently released which brings me to ask a question...Why do people refer to Georgia prisons as being 'chain gangs'..That hasn't existed here since the 1950's....I guess it sounds more bad ass or something,huh.

[Survivalism]

Panthrax, i am happy for you man, not because you are in jail but because you have found meaning in your life once again. It is unfortunate that jail is what made you realise what had happened to your life, but for the charges it seems like you ended up with a short sentance.

I hope that you are able to keep your life on track when you are released so you can experience all the beauties in life you robbed from yourself with your addiction.

[SomeLowLife]

Hope he makes it out alright, Panthrax was always cool.


I have to turn myself in on the 4th.


Fuck the government.

[Aces N 8s]

I know it sounds cliche, but it really is true; "The darkest comes just before dawn."

Serving time wont be easy by any means, but if it truly gives you the dedication to recover from your addiction then it may actually improve your life over time. If this lets you be clean with a good job and a family 10 years from now then it may prove to be the best thing that ever happened to you.

I want you know that I've always respected you. You were a regular on Totse when i started lurking over 7 years ago. Like most, I came to the site knowing nothing about drugs. But thanks to the site, and especially you and KP, I learned and learned and today I'm a walking harm reduction source.

So I want to thank you for giving me the knowledge to keep myself and my friends alive and safe while we've played with fire. God only knows how many lives you have saved with your service on Totse and your harm reduction site. (I hope you are able to handle maintaining it, or atleast turn it over to someone else instead of shutting down, but if you can't I understand.)

With best wishes and sincerest regards,
-Aces N 8s

[StillBorn]

Hope the system doesn't fuck you over too badly Panthrax. You've been around since I first discovered totse and its a shame to hear you go.
Best of luck

[reallystupidstuff]

holy shit. i hope he does a better job at staying clean than i did

[White Blue Mushrooms]

they sure dont fuck around here in GA.

My bro got caught with 5 ecstasy pills, got 9 yrs probation at a level 2 I believe, which ever the strongest level it is. I think its 1.

Anyways, Ga really bites drug pushers, users and others in the ass.

I am sure Panthrax will be out soon, the jails are rotting with all sorts of non-violent "I got caught with 3 ozs" people.

Anyways, he was cool as fuck, and I wish him well. It takes being in jail a few times (sadly) to straighten users out.

[Euda]

It's a solid choice. Good luck on moving forward in your life.

I hope you're getting some good reading done while you're in there. Education is always attainable, just go for it.

[toker420]

Don't drop the soap.

[White Blue Mushrooms]

cruel man

[Cliche Guevara]

A sad day...

(I thought he was not only not going to jail but end up with alot of money) what happened? any one care to fill me in.

[Hooky the Cripple]

Thanks for teaching me how to stick ecstasy up my ass, panthrax.