2nd attempt at poetry

[Dionysus]

Not that any of you fuckers read the first attempt

Still, I tried to do this a different way from before.

Untitled

Desperate mothers weep in sorrow
As they think of the tomorrow
That they never will explore

Happy fathers sit and eat
Till they cannot see their feet
As their ego is secured

Fathers spitting out in horror
Mothers wailing out in sorrow
And the children are all flawed

Adult choices in the making
In the minds of undeveloped
Minds that tumble down a gorge

The whores go all attaching
To the pretty young degenerates
That the fathers have deplored

The youth have gone a wanting
Of sacred sound of music
Having never heard a chord

Prodigious talent down a cesspit
Killed by comfort and contentment
And all the suffering ignored

Apathetic artist sit and drink
Taking cheap codeine kicks
As its all they can afford

All the drugs that are a’ wanting
Instant junkies in the making
Because the artist are all bored

[Zygo Orbitale]

People read the first one they just didn't comment, unless you visited the page sixteen odd times as a guest.

This is aesthetically more pleasing to the eye, easier to read.

But poetry that is not attempting to conform to specific format of poetry is like a grade school art project. Everyone gets a gold star!

I liked it, it flowed well enough, and you avoided cliche. Good attempt.

[RosettaStoned]

It's not bad at all, I still liked your other one better however. I think there are a couple parts that don't make too much sense, is this about abortion? Or about giving up? Society in general? Sorry, I guess I just don't really get it. It does flow very nicely however.

[Toothlessjoe]

I like the imagery and the subject, I'm not a fan of the structure though.

[PROJECT PAT]

that really sucked man. but you are at least working and creating and that's half the battle. i think you're just trying too hard with the content. i'm an expert poetry writer. heres a poem i wrote for this girl with freckles and a farm. Just keep it simple man. write about something from inside. not just some faggy shit about mother's being sad.

I'm glad I met you
You're beautiful
I like your freckles
Don't forget to save me
A place on your farm

[RosettaStoned]

I hate you project pat, but at the same time, I gotta give you some credit for the straight ridiculousness however. It has providided me with a minor amount of lulz, and for this, I am slightly grateful.

[Dionysus]

Originally Posted by RosettaStoned

It's not bad at all, I still liked your other one better however. I think there are a couple parts that don't make too much sense, is this about abortion? Or about giving up? Society in general? Sorry, I guess I just don't really get it. It does flow very nicely however.

To be honest I didnt like writing this at all. It felt to forced. I think its more a jab at the way parents wind up fucking up children by focusing on their own goals more than the act of raising kids... I dunno. It was more just playing around with writing.

[RosettaStoned]

Ahhh yea. It's alright though, things usually don't turn out so well if you force them.

The pen flows
To let the mind doze.

Just stick with it though if you like poetry at least a little bit and enjoy writingit too. Really the only way to get better is to find your style and just critique, experiment, it is just like any other form of art. Oh well, hope you'll enjoy writing and all that and keep with it.