I'm fucking crazy.... (long-ish, maybe?)

[Death Snuggle]

[some insight, start at the next paragraph if you don't care]
My life has been a swirl of drama, depression, and questioning life. No male role model while growing up, resentment of religion and family(they tried to force religion on me), self hatred, a mass of drugs and alcohol, mental wards, pills, attempted suicide, and so down that lovely path with multuiple close encounters with almost being caught for felonies. (I was literally running from pigs on foot while they were chasing my ass. [happened 6 times from coke/weed dealing/poss to GTA])

[yes, right here]
Alright, now I'm talking to this girl that I haven't talked to in a good while. I turned her down last time because she was basically that super clingy sheltered virgin who expected everything to be a cakewalk. I knew a long distance relationship takes a LOT to manage and I didn't feel like dealing with it after my previous failures at that time.

Well, push comes to shove and she's had a boyfriend. She said she loved him but he basically use her and fucked a load of slutty drunk chicks behind her back. That didn't turn out well and now we're both on the same twisted level. It's cool but my life has been spiraling for quite some time now.

I was homeless after basically ditching college and getting stuck with the repayment of my loans and medical bills for stupidity. I'm back at my mother's house and almost 21 and on probation for my second adult charge.

I was trying my damnedest to join the military and straighten out my life but having a GED was an issue and then probation was an issue. Now I'm just straight up paranoid they'll get my medical records which would automatically disqualify me(plates in my face/nerve damage from the surgery to the left side of my face, and a deviated septum[multiple surgeries and still not fixed] among other incidents).

I've basically decided to drop off the face of the earth in 2 months when my probation is over which it a month after I turn 21. I've been doing these stupid free French lesson and trying to decipher phrases so I can be competent enough in French to basically live in any area that speaks French.

That's where my second bright idea came in to join the French Foreign Legion. I've been running and working out as hard as I can but I'm just getting over a sinus infection. I figure this is the only way I can really just go poof forever(whether that be death or immigration).

It's really got me in a huge bind. Things are starting to work out and I still want to just vanish but I don't want to regret it.

I could care less for my family if you can even call them that. I only consider my brother family and my sister is just a raging cunt. My brother has a genetic disorder(MDD specifically) and I know he's maybe got a year or two left maximum. He's on heart medication and he's 18. He can't feed/take care of himself in any way. All he can do is play video games and run your feet over with a 300+ pound motorized wheelchair when you pis him off. I love that little fucker.

Anyway, I'm caught between a billion different things. (It's clearly an exaggeration but my point still stands.)

1. I can stay here and not do anything but rot busting my ass for minimum wage at 2 part time places.

2. I can learn more French and give everyone the finger before boarding my flight to becoming an even more psychotic killing machine. (It's been my dream for a minute now...) I know it'll probably just end up with me failing basic or getting killed my first time in actual combat.

3. I can explore this new found possible relationship but the question arises "Do I stay here or do I move???" IDFK....

4. Exploit the relationship and then go poof. (I don't like this one but the Totsean in me says it's the right one. )

My brain has ceased to function and I've got 2 months to figure this shit out because I'm not just going to stand idle anymore. It's my fucking life and I'm going to live it one way or another regardless of how short it may be.

I guess you could leave some good advice or just laugh yourself silly and know there is someone more idiotic out their than you consider yourself. I'm betting most of you do the later or fail at the first. Yeah, I'm fucking crazy.

[Mars]

Dude, self-destruction is your only option. At least you have the opportunity to become more of a killing machine first. You could always learn Spanish (really easy after French) and work in Colombia as a hitman. Pretty good money considering the amount of effort involved, and you'd kick the crap out of the competition (being mostly made up of impoverished children with little training).

[komokazi]

I'm going to be honest.. I totally feel you OP.

The beginning of that post was pretty much me to a T. It sucks.. I understand what you're feeling, but now my Mom is letting me stay for a little to get back on my feet. Once I get a 2nd decent full time job I'm outta this joint. Sucks to work all the time but you gotta do what you gotta do..

[uncutdiamond]

I am not one to recommend suicide but if you are American then maybe you should just kill yourself now? I mean you wouldn't have to think anymore, or take up valuable bandwidth.

[THIS IS IMPORTANT GODDAMNIT]

Marry the girl and have kids. Then become a banker

[LiquidIce]

Go for the FFL, if you make it. They also provide you free french lessons on base, so you've got a good headstart, you might make as an NCO. I've got a friend there, the pay isn't millions, but the people are great and you get to see the world - he's already bought back pics from Cambodia and Afganistan.

http://www.cervens.net/legionbbs123/forum.php/

[Firemind]

OP your plan is better than most. Because you won't slave away the rest of your life loathing yourself. You could experience death first hand, it should be great.(if you leave or exploit the ho and then leave.)

[Death Snuggle]

Originally Posted by Cloudcat

So, it's a long distance type-thing, you say? Yeah, if you decide to go with that then the question "Do I stay here or do I move?" is already answered. If you think this chick might be worth it, then I suggest you throw your lot in with her. From what I understand you don't have anything to lose. You can always keep in contact with/visit your brother anytime. For as long as he's alive, I mean.

And worst case scenario, the relationship doesn't turn out like you expect, you disappear. If you want to join the French Foreign Legion, then go for it. You might end up getting killed, washed out, or etc, but it's better than wasting away to nothing and letting your life go down the shitter without even putting up a fight.

But be sure to thoroughly explore all of your options before you truly commit to anything. You listed four of them, but is that really all there is for you in life?

If so, then all you can do is buckle down and never look back I guess.

Yeah, I had a good think on that last night. It doesn't mean I should jump ship since I at least already have work up here and I have no idea how the job market is down there. It fucking took me 15 months to find my current employment and I can't play that game again.

I've been homeless. I know the streets and it's just too much for me to stay on the straight and narrow with nothing but my freedom to lose.

I know I should give the relationship a chance but the more I think about it, the more it seems like an obstacle in my life and nothing more.

I was trying to rough out the extremes of my possibilities. I don't ever try to think directly down one path because you're asking to fall and never be able to get your grip again before it's too late.

Originally Posted by BurningChrome

Go for the FFL, if you make it. They also provide you free french lessons on base, so you've got a good headstart, you might make as an NCO. I've got a friend there, the pay isn't millions, but the people are great and you get to see the world - he's already bought back pics from Cambodia and Afganistan.

http://www.cervens.net/legionbbs123/forum.php/

Thanks, I'll check that out. I've already been to Canada, France, Togo, Benin, and Berkina Faso and I've always wanted to expand on those.

[Dumpster Slut]

first off - your deviated septum wont heal until you stop snorting cocaine/ketamine

secondly - good luck.

[Death Snuggle]

Originally Posted by Dumpster Slut

first off - your deviated septum wont heal until you stop snorting cocaine/ketamine

secondly - good luck.

The deviated septum was due to the removal of a benign tumor the size of a ping pong ball that would gush blood for hour upon hours. I would end up with towels soaked in clotting blood and be able to pull 6-7 inch blood clots out of my nose.

It happened before I ever discovered cocaine or any other snortables and as of a about a week ago, I'm completely sober of even caffeine.

Thanks though...

[BANG BANG ORANGUTAN]

I take it option number one is out, just by the way you described it. Go with the second. As for the relationship, what are the odds of it lasting? You said that it's long distance, right? Uprooting oneself to be with another- when you're already miserable- usually ends disasterously.

[A$AP Weed Smoker]

Originally Posted by komokazi

I'm going to be honest.. I totally feel you OP.

The beginning of that post was pretty much me to a T. It sucks.. I understand what you're feeling, but now my Mom is letting me stay for a little to get back on my feet. Once I get a 2nd decent full time job I'm outta this joint. Sucks to work all the time but you gotta do what you gotta do..

I get the feeling i know you in real life. Do you have felony gun charges?

anyway, yeaaa, I feel the first part of the OP but I think you're still pretty misguided. It's okay though, it's not like everyone learns these things the easy way..

My advice to you would be to not put all your eggs in one basket for this girl who's, it sounds like, being misinterpreted by you.

Also, no offense, but you probably won't go to the FFL. It's just alot of steps to take.

Just become complacent.. chase the money, let the girls chase you. And at some point, I can't make any promises, you'll be happy with where you're at. Peace Brah.

also Unwyred had some real sound advice.

[Dumpster Slut]

Originally Posted by Death Snuggle

The deviated septum was due to the removal of a benign tumor the size of a ping pong ball that would gush blood for hour upon hours. I would end up with towels soaked in clotting blood and be able to pull 6-7 inch blood clots out of my nose.

It happened before I ever discovered cocaine or any other snortables and as of a about a week ago, I'm completely sober of even caffeine.

Thanks though...

in that case if i were you i would have to agree with what people have previously said and i would join the peacecorp - im sure you'll feel like a fish out of water initially but hopefully you could find the purpose and meaning you are looking for

i myself am going to join if the job market remains as shitty as it is now when i graduate college

[Death Snuggle]

I see my life as pointless way to find a meaning that doesn't really matter in the end. So either I find love or give me something to hate because I'm going to do something for the sake of something because what else is there? I have no desire to help others. I do a lot of volunteer work and it's the same story time after time. I'm trying to make myself feel better because I get to help someone who is less fortunate then me. It's complete bullshit. Survival of the fittest is what it should be. Merciless and cold is the world we should face not this "friendly" and "caring" bullshit that doesn't really exist.

Personally, I prefer hatred and pain to "happiness" because I know what it's all about.

I just let my will falter because this girl has been my closet friend in some of my worst times and I find that I go on day in and day out just in the hope of one day being with her.

I can't bear the thought of hurting her again.

I guess I'll start requesting my passport forms and saving up for their fee. More French and running to cram during my small breaks between jobs.

[Dumpster Slut]

Originally Posted by Death Snuggle

I see my life as pointless way to find a meaning that doesn't really matter in the end. So either I find love or give me something to hate because I'm going to do something for the sake of something because what else is there? I have no desire to help others. I do a lot of volunteer work and it's the same story time after time. I'm trying to make myself feel better because I get to help someone who is less fortunate then me. It's complete bullshit. Survival of the fittest is what it should be. Merciless and cold is the world we should face not this "friendly" and "caring" bullshit that doesn't really exist.

Personally, I prefer hatred and pain to "happiness" because I know what it's all about.

I just let my will falter because this girl has been my closet friend in some of my worst times and I find that I go on day in and day out just in the hope of one day being with her.

I can't bear the thought of hurting her again.

I guess I'll start requesting my passport forms and saving up for their fee. More French and running to cram during my small breaks between jobs.

anguish arises when things we cherish go away - don't tie yourself up.

[epazotl]

Straight from a recruiter: the military doesn't give a shit as long as you lie about your medical history and stay healthy. They won't investigate, although there will be a physical. Are there obvious signs that a doctor would see? Although if you've only been clean a week and have drug or mental issues the military might not be the best choice for you.

Either way, you don't have to settle for a menial job. Do you have rudimentary computer skills? Go for internet tech support. A few places still do support here rather than in India. A place like Dallas, TX is good for getting a start. Dell has a support center in Nashville. It doesn't pay much, but you can advance rapidly and most places have some kind of tuition reimbursement.

I'm not sure if being on probation affects school funding, but a financial aid counselor could tell you. Getting a GED is dead easy and some colleges will let you in without one, although all of them will require an ACT or an SAT either way.

Leave the girl alone. There will be other girls and you're not crazy about this one. Trust me, you'll just end up feeling like shit if you take up with her.

[Death Snuggle]

Originally Posted by epazotl

Straight from a recruiter: the military doesn't give a shit as long as you lie about your medical history and stay healthy. They won't investigate, although there will be a physical. Are there obvious signs that a doctor would see? Although if you've only been clean a week and have drug or mental issues the military might not be the best choice for you.

Either way, you don't have to settle for a menial job. Do you have rudimentary computer skills? Go for internet tech support. A few places still do support here rather than in India. A place like Dallas, TX is good for getting a start. Dell has a support center in Nashville. It doesn't pay much, but you can advance rapidly and most places have some kind of tuition reimbursement.

I'm not sure if being on probation affects school funding, but a financial aid counselor could tell you. Getting a GED is dead easy and some colleges will let you in without one, although all of them will require an ACT or an SAT either way.

Leave the girl alone. There will be other girls and you're not crazy about this one. Trust me, you'll just end up feeling like shit if you take up with her.

Recruiters aren't in in for you. All they want is to hit their quota.

I've passed MEPS, have a GED with honors, got a 93 on the ASVAB, I've been clean from anything that could show up for months now and I've also passed their little test you have to take if you have a GED.

I was in community college and my financial aid got fucked hard. I have several thousands of dollars in debt due to medical bills on top of repayment of my loans.

I could do a lot of things if I wanted, but I know who I am and I know what I need.

[never]

You're a total fuck up. Thanks for making me feel better about myself.

[Crashwangdoodle]

Option 1 is not an option, you'll probably fall into the same hole and not going to benefit you. Besides, that's not a life you want to live.

Option 2 really seems the best option, you'll get out of America and everything around it. You can start fresh and everything.

Option 3 I don't think that would work out, she's got problems now, but wait a month or two she'll be fine again. Besides, Long distance relationships are already quite hard.

Option 4 No, what goes around comes around man. You want the good juju, not the bad

Option 2 man, option 2.

[im taller than you]

The French Foreign Legion won't just take any fuckup. Having a goal of being a mercenary in another country is a fucking longshot, maybe reevaluate what you REALLY want out of life. Don't just want to be in the military because its badass.