Me vs my mother

[Face]

OK, I've recently had to move back home after getting a law degree at university. My plan is take a year out trying to find some paid work experience and then go back to uni to do a 2yr masters in social work. So basically a three year plan, straight forward and simple.

But here is the thing that really annoys me. My mum has been living off benefits for 12 years now, and even though my 12yr old sister and 5yr old brother are both in school she still insists on living off benefits and doing absolutely nothing all day. She even lives in a messy and often dirty house even though she has all that time to keep on top of it. She isn't interested in going back to work or college no matter how much help she is offered and often acts like a child if I bring the subject up, sulking and pulling her face.

So now I'm desperately looking for paid work to maybe even earn enough to move out and fend for myself, but I find it really demoralising to be constantly around someone who refuses to do nothing yet gets far more money than I do for doing so. Sometimes I get really angry because I feel like it makes a mockery out of me trying so hard to get somewhere in life but always ending up struggling financially. I can't afford to have any sort of home or family of my own, yet she never tries to do anything for herself and is handed every opportunity if she wants to take it.

I've been back at home maybe one week and I'm used to living with my boyfriend at university, but he's gone home to do the same as me until we can move in together next year again. For now I'm going to have to stay put but I feel myself getting angrier and depressed about the whole thing. I sometimes find myself hoping that the government would stop helping people like her and offer me the support instead just so she might see the importance of bettering herself for once instead of being a bum.

I'm not sure what I'm expecting people to say to any of this, but I really needed to get it off my chest.

I'm 21yrs old and she's 38 so she's quite a young mum, and as two females I often feel like she drags us down to the level of school girls with some of the shit she comes out with. She even expects me to babysit all the time like I'm her partner, and doesn't actually ask me to but just tells me. I've started to say no because I think that she should be asking me to babysit so she could get her life back on track rather than going out to drink and making it even better for her. Shouldn't she have to suffer a bit? Should benefits be so cushty?

[I Kill Null Airtime]

lol no offense, but fuck England. I'm glad the US isn't that bad yet.

[BATTLESTEER]

Since you're mom has been pretty much spoon fed for 12 years, shes so used to being lazy and having to do nothing, that when she has to do something, she bitches at you or someone else to do it. Its very childish indeed, and the only thing I can think of for you to do for her to maybe realize what shes doing, is to do absolutely nothing as well. Just dont talk to her, dont answer her, make her need to get shit done around the house.

Just make sure you're paying attention though, so she doesn't end up on that tv show about all those really dirty and over stocked houses and shit. Also finding that job as well would be a good start. Just dont become her. She seems to be a very good motivation for you to do x times better then she does in life.

[Euda]

Who are you to decide that she should suffer? She's your Mother. Wish her the best and go one with your own life. It might frustrate you for the next twenty years, but it's not your place to do more than voice your opinion; not a constant chorus of opinion, but simply make things clear in as respectful a way as possible. Like it or not, you're her daughter. Accept the way she lives and move forward.

You can't live her life, so live your own. Hopefully she'll change with time, but that doesn't impact you. If you're worried about your siblings, that's a whole different story. Are they doing alright?

You're living at home. Are you paying rent? Why not take a bit of time out of your week to clean the house? You can teach your siblings some good habits and set a good example. Do you have to? Of course not, but you've got an opportunity.

[Jerk.]

End benefits. The losers die and the rest come back into society.

Move in with your boyfriend or get a house together.

[xoctopusx]

You have to keep it brief and bide your time until you can finally move out, or perhaps get any job as soon as possible and move out, but because she's miserable, theres no real need for you to be in the same frame of mind. Life is short and you seem to have your mind made up as to what you want to do with your life, that is the key this is your life, you have a chance to do better with yours so good luck

[zelda]

I know exactly what you're feeling. My dad has been leeching off unemployment for over two years now. At first, I was understanding, he was depressed after being laid off from his company of 25+ years. But after awhile it just got pathetic and sickening.

[1983]

Since equal rights has been established since the 1920's wallop that cunt and kick her while she's down.

Al

[Face]

I think someone needs to decide that people like her should suffer. Why should people who do nothing to help themselves be supported by all the people who get up every day to earn a living? I'm not a politician or anything like that, so it isn't me who gets to decide.

I have a job interview tomorrow. I'm hoping then I'll be out of the house quite a bit and not have to think about all the mess and how much time she wastes doing nothing.

[Mr.Happy]

Originally Posted by Euda

You're living at home. Are you paying rent? Why not take a bit of time out of your week to clean the house? You can teach your siblings some good habits and set a good example. Do you have to? Of course not, but you've got an opportunity.

Perhaps unfortunately for you, this is the most important issue here. They sound like they really, really need some responsible adult support, and suddenly you're a responsible adult (scary, huh? I'm in the same position now... even our three-year plans are super-similar, oddly). I'm not saying you should cater to your mother's needs, keep the whole house clean and tidy and look after your siblings whenever she demands, but if your mother isn't looking after her responsibilities you can't just refuse to take care of them because it's 'not fair'.

But IMO, you should keep harassing her to get a job or further qualifications. Just because she's your mother, doesn't mean you should respect her decision to sit around on her ass leeching off the government and neglecting her responsibilities. Bring up how disgusting the house is, bring up her laziness, bring up how she's leeching off tax money than people like you are paying (once you have your job), bring up how she's doing nothing with her life and achieving nothing. Harsh, but true; really hammer on that cognitive dissonance, ramp up the guilt and the judgement. She's not going to change unless she has motivation to, and from the sounds of it you're the only person around that can motivate her. She shouldn't suffer, but she should be pushed in the right direction because her current lifestyle is bad for her, bad for you and bad for the kids involved. Some people might think that you should respect her decisions and lifestyle because she's your mother; I think you should fuck her decision to be a bum and push her towards a better life for the exact same reason.

Plus, don't worry about feeling like you're working towards nothing because she's 'making' more than you. The majority of people who are chucked out into the real world at this age struggle financially (god knows I do). Wait until you're her age before comparing how you're doing.

[ArmsMerchant]

OP--I strongly suggest you strive to manifest compassion and forgiveness towards your mother--not for her sake, but for yours, for the sake of your peace of mind. She has made her decisions, as have you.

Who is to say that either of you is somehow failing to carry out your own souls agenda?

[never]

I might be missing the point, but did you get an undergrad, or did you finish law school? If you finished law school, I'm not sure why you'd be trying to get a masters in social work when you have a degree that requires usually a 4 year bachelor and 2-3 years after to finish law school.

[靠rent-a-jew輩]

respect your elders.