Archived: History of a BLTC opioid addict.

[ilovechronic]

This is going to be TLDR but I feel I should share my experience with opioid addiction and dependance:
The first time I got high on an opioid was when I was like 13 years old, I had an eye injury and was prescribed hydrocodone/apap and I remember sitting in my bean bag chair staring at the blank tv screen not wanting to get upthinking "this feels good man."
Oxycodone,hydrocodone, hydromorphone, etc(Full agonist use)
I messed around with opioids from age 13 to 16 in a recreational manner the whole time never developing a problem. I remember reading on bltc/erowid about oxycontin and found out a friend had a source for them and we began getting large amounts of them and only used them occasionally. I snorted a tiny like 10 mg line and puked my brains out the first time I tried it. I didn't even like it. Fast forward to freshman year in HS I took 15mgs of oxy and was nodding out in class and when I got home I ran to the back yard to projectile vomit. That time I was warming up to it. I did not try hydromorphone until I was about 16 years old and only had a small amount of it so it did not really take with me because by that age I was more interested in maintaining on opioids than achieving euphoria. After I became dependent the euphoria was just a plus for me and it was more important to me to not feel w/d than get high. Though I have convinced myself many times that I needed that euphoria was more important than not being sick the next day.

morphine(Full Agonist Opioid/opiate)
A magical wonderful drug, oxycodone was NOTHING compared to morphine. Due to problems with diversion of medication and other medication issues my friend/source of oxycontin began taking morphine sulfate 100mg ms contins from his source because the oxys dried up. The oxy was always free and we were dumb asses and just wanted weed really when we had oxy so we would trade up like 10 oxy 80s for not very much weed(we were 13-15years old during the oxy days) The morphine however was something I really liked so I was willing to pay for it. 5$ per 100 mgs. I ended up on 100mgs of mscontin per day for at least a year with just brief stints of withdrawal when I could not get my hands on it. I was basically high for a whole year playing Starwars battle front 2 and watching history channel all day and loving every bit of it. By this time I was about 16-17 years old and dropped out of the fine arts college prep school I was going to because of to many absences and lost a whole semester of credit.
I started going to online HS and that was one of the reasons I think that opioids filled that void in my life and they did it really well. I was doing great at that art school even while I was experimenting with drugs besides the fact that I had 10 absences in that first semester.
When I kicked morphine it was the worst withdrawal I have ever experienced. I cried like a baby for no reason had extreme physical withdrawal but I made it through and IIRC I did stay clean for quite some time but eventually convinced my self I could chip again.(hell no I couldn't)
I graduated online highschool on time despite losing the semester of credit. I started community college and my opioid use was pretty on and off. I always ended up with another habit no matter what I did. By that time I had been introduced to illicit suboxone and used that for a long ass time successfully when I didn't have pills or black tar.

Black tar heroin(Full agonist containing possibly Diacetylmorphine,6-MAM, who knows what else) A very shitty drug but does feel pretty damn good. I had been introduced to black tar in my opioid experimenting days when I was younger but it never really took with me. I like morphine alot better at the time. I liked the long acting nature of ms contin. When I first started morphine I would feel high from it even 36 hours after dosing I would have after effects. That long acting effect dissipated when dependency set in. For a good year I would chase black tar h off foil and then take suboxone when I did not have black tar to keep me from being sick. Black tar is a fucked up drug and the people you have to deal with as middle men to get it are fucked up shady junkies that have no compassion for a fellow opioid dependent addict. That strayed me away from the black tar game alot and I met a dude that was selling methadone which I took for about a month and a half and then kicked for a month and I was somewhat successful but I ended up relapsing and that led me back to legitimate suboxone.

Methadone (Full agonist/NMDA antagonist) Was my second favorite substance and I used it for about 1.5 maybe 2 months but on and off through this story when it was around. Methadone had a lot of that glow I associated with morphine. At the time I did not know methadone also had pharmacological/dynamic properties associated with NMDA antagonist effects. I was able to maintain my full time job quite well while on methadone. I slowly worked up from 10mgs to a peak of 50-60mgs per day over that period of time. Methadone has a wonderful stimulatory perceived effect for me allowing me to be very productive at work until I would sit down or lay down after work I would near instantly begin to nod out and I really enjoyed those effects. The withdrawal from methadone was not as bad as people make it out to be. In fact buprenorphine withdrawal is quite similar but slightly less minor. I attribute these less intense withdrawals to the long acting nature of both drugs. My conclusion for buprenorphine' partial agonist, pro drug full agonist, and long acting properties play the role in the withdrawal being minor compared to methadone. The withdrawal from methadone did last about 1.5 months with about 2-3 weeks of full blown withdrawal though still minor in intensity though compared to its shorter acting relatives. The Buprenorphine withdrawal period is comparable to methadone withdrawal duration but still is a minor syndrome compared to methadone. Post acute withdrawal may be more psychological or it may be an echo effect of the psychical withdrawal but it does last a good amount of time with the longer acting agonists/partial antagonist-Pro drug agonist opioids.
I am guessing that the glow effect would have disappeared just like the buprenorphine glow went away after a few months.
Suboxone and then Subutex(Buprenorphine/naloxone Mixed/Partial-Agonist-Antagonist but also a prodrug of the full agonist Nor-buprenorphine)
Before I really became psychologically dependent on buprenorphine I was able to taper off it once before with a 21 day taper back when I was still working full time with tile work and smoking black tar occasional but more often than not was maintaining on suboxone. I always did this on my own and never sought any kind of help at all but I also realize that I have to help my self more than anything and going back to opioids will never be the absolute answer it will always lead me to a dead end.
The only time I can rationalize the use of opioids is for true legitimate analgesia. But I was pretty successful with the taper and had little to no withdrawal that time basically the amount I am having at this point in time. The problem was with the follow through.

I was smoking a lot of weed, taking benzos, and drinking daily to deal with the post acute withdrawal from methadone. So I decided I may as well be on an opiate and relapsed on opiates. My mom would bitch at me about smoking so much weed so I convinced her that if I got on suboxone I would stay away from the weed and opiates. I did for a good amount of time, something like 3 months but then I started smoking weed again and eventually started getting high on top of the suboxone where I would either wait 24 hours since last buprenorphine dose to use or I would just do dope or whatever opioid on top of the suboxone. At the dose I was on(2mgs) it was no problem to get high and nod on top of such a small dose of buprenorphine and I did that on and off throughout the 3 years I was on it. At some point during the 3 years I switched to subutex because suboxone honestly was giving me headaches.
At some point towards the third year on subutex I decided that IVing dope instead of chasing it off foil was more economical and at the beginning it was. Tolerance caught up pretty quickly though and I began to need the same amount as I needed when I smoked it. I was spending most of my money on the shit and I would take buprenorphine in the morning and then obtain and shoot black tar throughout the day. At first I would shoot less than a point of dope and get high as fuck. By the time I was done it was at least .1 per shot and up to .3 in one shot. Which is not to bad actually but I could easily go through a gram in a day. When I would run out of dope I would start banging the buprenorphine even though I knew it didn't really do anything special. That's when I knew I was hooked on the needle.
I never thought I would get hooked on the needle, I never liked needles and I never will but the opioid high is a strong and alluring high. The rush is worth the risk in a junk masters mind. It went from just opioids to banging all kinds of shit, coke, etizolam/ethanol, ketamine, mxe,etc. The only thing that ever matched the rush was coke and I supposed the dissociative anesthetics matched the rush in their own way. I understand the coke rush is completely different but it is up their with the heroin rush in its own way.

NMDA antagonists, Spiritual experience.
At first I was experimenting with nmda antagonists for tolerance reduction but I always knew that they helped with withdrawal but I didn't realize their full potential until recently. I talked about my robitussin doings on bltc and NOW4RNING pointed me in the direction of a drug called memantine. I just like the combination of dissociatives and opioids for some reason. I had already IVed ketamine and eventually IVed its awesome cousin that we all love . But I would do memantine regimens to help with my tolerance and because I was attempting to wean off burpenorphine but pretty unsuccessfully because it just got worse and I ended up with a IV dope habit on top of the bupe habit. Which I partially attribute to my decision to drive a dealer around in exchange for free dope and I was loving that, haha, though with dope what you get is never enough it seems.
About 1.5 months ago I was fed up with my heroin use and I did something real fucking drastic. I decided to to eat a whole box of memantine. At first I thought I took somewhere around 500mgs but now I am guessing more like 600-800mgs of memantine. I just wanted to end this cycle I was in, I was not trying to kill myself even though this was reckless as fuck but I was trying to kill lady h/m/etc that was on my back. I IVed at least 200mgs of memantine out of that 600-800mgs which was dumb as fuck but I think it may have also saved my life. It is hard to remember the trip I had but I also went through about 80 nitrous chargers the first night of the trip. I had the most intense trips I have ever had in my life in those brief nitrous experiences. Complete and utter ego death, went to places I just cannot comprehend. After I ran out of nitrous the memantine was still kicking. It lasted about 90 hours. That first night I thought I was going to die and I did have a near death experience. I can pin point a moment where I thought about my burpenorphine and heroin use and I felt chills run from the bottom of my spine to the top of my brain like my higher self or some shit was telling me wtf are you doing to your self?

Rizzo talked about having trips where he could see through his eyelids and for about 1-2 minutes at some point in the first night I could see through my eyelids but not like normal reality more like the energy of everything around me including myself. That same night when the effects peaked I could see everything in its true nature which is in a vibrating state that our minds are not able to comprehend without certain substances or perceptual changes is the conclusion I came to about this.
It is now reaching the 50 day mark without heroin and I just discontinued buprenorphine yesterday and I am still going strong.
When I saw bltc users like panthrax and others in the depths of the heroin abyss or even the needle abyss
I always told my self I WILL NEVER GET HOOKED ON opiates/opioids. After I ate my words on that and got hooked on opiates/opioids I told myself I will never get hooked on the needle and I ate my words on that also.


I know this wont be a lesson for you kiddies wanting to try opiates but maybe this will help someone or something or at least be some entertainment for what a shitty life I made for myself but I am also working my ass off to pull myself back out of that.

T+10years of BLTCing()

P.S. I will do some editing tomarrow.

[yawanur]

sounds shitty

how much money do you think you spent?

[l8wwprz@dispostable.com]

Originally Posted by ilovechronic

This is going to be TLDR but I feel I should share my experience with opioid addiction and dependance:
The first time I got high on an opioid was when I was like 13 years old, I had an eye injury and was prescribed hydrocodone/apap and I remember sitting in my bean bag chair staring at the blank tv screen not wanting to get thinking "this feels good man."

I messed around with opioids from age 13 to 16 in a recreational manner the whole time never developing a problem. I remember reading on bltc/erowid about oxycontin and found out a friend had a source for them and we began getting large amounts of them and only used them occasionally. I snorted a tiny like 10 mg line and puked my brains out the first time I tried it. I didn't even like it. Fast forward to freshman year in HS I took 15mgs of oxy and was nodding out in class and when I got home I ran to the back yard to projectile vomit. That time I was warming up to it.

morphine
A magical wonderful drug, oxycodone was NOTHING compared to morphine. Due to problems with diversion of medication and other medication issues my friend/source of oxycontin began taking morphine sulfate 100mg ms contins from his source because the oxys dried up. The oxy was always free and we were dumb asses and just wanted weed really when we had oxy so we would trade up like 10 oxy 80s for not very much weed(we were 13-15years old during the oxy days) The morphine however was something I really liked so I was willing to pay for it. 5$ per 100 mgs. I ended up on 100mgs of mscontin per day for at least a year with just brief stints of withdrawal when I could not get my hands on it. I was basically high for a whole year playing Starwars battle front 2 and watching history channel all day and loving every bit of it. By this time I was about 16-17 years old and dropped out of the fine arts college prep school I was going to because of to many absences and lost a whole semester of credit.
I started going to online HS and that was one of the reasons I think that opioids filled that void in my life and they did it really well. I was doing great at that art school even while I was experimenting with drugs besides the fact that I had 10 absences in that first semester.
When I kicked morphine it was the worst withdrawal I have ever experienced. I cried like a baby for no reason had extreme physical withdrawal but I made it through and IIRC I did stay clean for quite some time but eventually convinced my self I could chip again.(hell no I couldn't)
I graduated online highschool on time despite losing the semester of credit. I started community college and my opioid use was pretty on and off. I always ended up with another habit no matter what I did. By that time I had been introduced to illicit suboxone and used that for a long ass time successfully when I didn't have pills or black tar.

Black tar heroin A very shitty drug but does feel pretty damn good. I had been introduced to black tar in my opioid experimenting days when I was younger but it never really took with me. I like morphine alot better at the time. I liked the long acting nature of ms contin. When I first started morphine I would feel high from it even 36 hours after dosing I would have after effects. That dissipated when dependency set in. For I good year I would chase black tar h off foil and then take suboxone when I did not have black tar. Black tar is a fucked up drug and the people you have to deal with as middle men to get it are fucked up shady junkies that have no compassion for a fellow opioid dependent addict. That strayed me away from the black tar game alot and I met a dude that was selling methadone which I took for about a month and a half and then kicked for a month and I was somewhat successful but I ended up relapsing and that led me back to legitimate suboxone.

Suboxone
I was smoking alot of weed, taking benzos, and drinking daily to deal with the post acute withdrawal from methadone. So I decided I may as well be on an opiate and relapsed on opiates. My mom would bitch at me about smoking so much weed so I convinced her that if I got on suboxone I would stay away from the weed and opiates. I did for a good amount of time, something like 3 months but then I started smoking weed again and eventually started getting high on top of the suboxone where I would either wait 24 hours since last buprenorphine dose to use or I would just do dope or whatever opioid on top of the suboxone. At the dose I was on(2mgs) it was no problem to get high and nod on top of such a small dose of buprenorphine and I did that on and off throughout the 3 years I was on it. At some point during the 3 years I switched to subutex because suboxone honestly was giving me headaches.

since blow jobs become synonymous with drug supply don't you consider bjs an extended form of a drug?

[AdMech]

Originally Posted by ilovechronic

morphine
A magical wonderful drug, oxycodone was NOTHING compared to morphine.

I ended up on 100mgs of mscontin per day for at least a year with just brief stints of withdrawal when I could not get my hands on it. I was basically high for a whole year playing Starwars battle front 2 and watching history channel all day and loving every bit of it.

Oh my God; I know exactly how you feel. I think. Does that entire year seem covered by a warm golden glow in your memory? Do you still remember, every time you get high, that feeling you had when you had just popped some morph and were starting up a new game of Battlefront or a History Channel special you were excited about? Does the possibility of returning to that place still sneak into your thoughts every now and again?

I had a similar experience, as you might be able to tell. I knew I liked opioids, because when I got the flu or some shit and was prescribed hydrocodone cough syrup, I realized that I really loved the flu. I was very young, so it took me a while to realize that my memories of illness were always so fond because I was on opioids half the time. Anyway, I was around 16-17 as well when it was discovered that my best friend's father was severely ill. He had bottles upon bottles of morphine tablets as well as a liquid oxycodone nasal spray, which I have never seen before or since. He didn't like them, weirdly; he just wanted to drink beer, smoke weed, and die in peace. So we got him weed, and he gave us his morphine. And that year still has a golden haze in my thoughts, an unreal sun-drenched feeling when thinking of those idyllic lazy days; no responsibilities, since I had graduated from highschool early - just every day popping a morphine tablet, lying down in the late spring sun, and reading my favorite books while peace and contentment floated me up into the clouds and soothed my troubled soul.

Seems criminal that such an experience is not the baseline for humanity. Why should we settle for feeling "normal" when we can... - but that's a whole 'nother topic.

Black tar is a fucked up drug and the people you have to deal with as middle men to get it are fucked up shady junkies that have no compassion for a fellow opioid dependent addict.

That's the fuckin' truth as well. Most of the people I met who were selling oxy etc. were stand-up dudes; reliable, friendly... people I would actually go to for help in an emergency, in fact; more than just connects, in other words. Sometimes I even got free shit out of the blue, which seems remarkable to me especially considering the expense of the product they were selling. The only two people I knew who fucked with black tar, however, were shady assholes; one always, always ripped you off, no matter who was buying or what they were buying, and half the time he would refuse to leave his trailer out about twenty minutes away from the city; dude, we're trying to give you money!

The other one tried to rob me at gunpoint, but as I had nothing on me - literally nothing, not even a wallet or cell phone - I just had to shrug and hope he wouldn't shoot anyway. I didn't think he would, since it would avail him nothing and he wasn't really a that much of a hardass; he didn't, I walked away, and I quit fucking with black tar.

[iMagiNation]

^^There are decent people in the tar scene, they're few and far between but I know a scant few people that have and would give me the last of their shit even if they're on a real bad one.

[ilovechronic]

Originally Posted by iMagiNation

^^There are decent people in the tar scene, they're few and far between but I know a scant few people that have and would give me the last of their shit even if they're on a real bad one.

You are right about this. The dude that was selling me mdone was also middle manning black tar for me but he was buying the shit and taking half without telling me. I would have been happy to hook him up with a .1 per pick up.
I called him out on it because I knew what was up I am not dumb but I don't like conflict either so I said peace motherfucker that is the last time you get free shit out of me. Well my best friend got in to black tar and I heard this same dude was selling dope and the dealer was considered a friend and before I said fuck him I told him that he should make it right. Well we picked up dope from him and he gave me a free .3 balloon. He is also the guy I would drive his GF back and forth to him for dope. So it worked out. I still consider him a friend but I have to stay away from the dude.

My best friend would hook me up with free dope and I know how fucking hard that is because he was deep into the addiction but some people do some pretty compassionate shit even if they are half opioid monster so don't get me wrong on the subject. I was more referring to middle men who I did not really know and they were just in it for the free dope because I always would give at least a point for the hook up.

[ilovechronic]

Originally Posted by AdMech

Oh my God; I know exactly how you feel. I think. Does that entire year seem covered by a warm golden glow in your memory? Do you still remember, every time you get high, that feeling you had when you had just popped some morph and were starting up a new game of Battlefront or a History Channel special you were excited about? Does the possibility of returning to that place still sneak into your thoughts every now and again?

I had a similar experience, as you might be able to tell. I knew I liked opioids, because when I got the flu or some shit and was prescribed hydrocodone cough syrup, I realized that I really loved the flu. I was very young, so it took me a while to realize that my memories of illness were always so fond because I was on opioids half the time. Anyway, I was around 16-17 as well when it was discovered that my best friend's father was severely ill. He had bottles upon bottles of morphine tablets as well as a liquid oxycodone nasal spray, which I have never seen before or since. He didn't like them, weirdly; he just wanted to drink beer, smoke weed, and die in peace. So we got him weed, and he gave us his morphine. And that year still has a golden haze in my thoughts, an unreal sun-drenched feeling when thinking of those idyllic lazy days; no responsibilities, since I had graduated from highschool early - just every day popping a morphine tablet, lying down in the late spring sun, and reading my favorite books while peace and contentment floated me up into the clouds and soothed my troubled soul.

Seems criminal that such an experience is not the baseline for humanity. Why should we settle for feeling "normal" when we can... - but that's a whole 'nother topic.


That's the fuckin' truth as well. Most of the people I met who were selling oxy etc. were stand-up dudes; reliable, friendly... people I would actually go to for help in an emergency, in fact; more than just connects, in other words. Sometimes I even got free shit out of the blue, which seems remarkable to me especially considering the expense of the product they were selling. The only two people I knew who fucked with black tar, however, were shady assholes; one always, always ripped you off, no matter who was buying or what they were buying, and half the time he would refuse to leave his trailer out about twenty minutes away from the city; dude, we're trying to give you money!

The other one tried to rob me at gunpoint, but as I had nothing on me - literally nothing, not even a wallet or cell phone - I just had to shrug and hope he wouldn't shoot anyway. I didn't think he would, since it would avail him nothing and he wasn't really a that much of a hardass; he didn't, I walked away, and I quit fucking with black tar.

I was also pretty active on BLTC at that time when I was hooked on morphine and now the interwebs has kind of filled that history channel void in my life. In some ways buprenorphine had that same magic and in someways it was actually better. But after about three months of maintenance the buprenorphine lost that glow also like the morphine did towards the end of that run.
But I think you put it pretty damn well in the bold. I mean I coasted my way through that online highschool bullshit but as we know opioids make anything easier to do.
I definitely look back on that year as a fucking wonderful time but I also went through some fucking horrendous withdrawal the few 1-3 week periods I couldn't get my hands on the shit. Honestly after heroin the glow and allure of morphine kind of disappeared. But I did IV some MS contin a few times in my needle days and I actually enjoyed that histamine reaction and rush quite a bit and in some ways alot more than the black tar rush.
By the time I was 17 I started working in the manual labor field, demolition,home repair, remodeling, construction,finish work, etc. Opioids are a manual laborers best friend. I am actually grateful to still be doing this stype of work because I am suffering some right now but I know this is whats best for my mind and endogenous endorphin system.


I have dreams of saying fuck being a societal robot worker and movie out into the wilderness and growing my own opium poppies and weed but I know it is not very realistic. (maybe I could do it for a few years or something for the life experience) It would be nice to work for myself and reap the benefits of my own doing. Not working for funny money to buy shitty food. But who knows what life has in store for me there is a lot of shit I am going to do.

I don't really care about the money I wasted though it is just materialistic shit. I care more about the withdrawing my self socially, the relationships I fucked and gave up for a drug. It seems like everyone is all about owning shit and in the end what you own/ed does not even fucking matter. I own shit and I like my materialistic shit just like the rest of us but I do not/am not going to let that shit define me. Life is far more important than what you own/ed. Is life about humanbeing or humansowningshit? That is a question every human needs to ask themselves.

I really appreciate your guys input(even the dicksucking one made me lol) and anyone please feel free to share your experiences.I never sucked a dick luckily. My morals may have sometimes been twisted but I never robbed or stole or anything crazy to get a fix. I always suffered through withdrawal because I do have empathy.
My outpatient councelor was saying "blah blah I know people have tried the NA thing online and there just is no fellowship but I know for a fact that we may all say FUCK NA, but we are a bltc fellowship regardless if we are on the interwebs and we are a bunch of dysfunctional, sometimes functional, druggies. We are still in the same boat.

If I want to get anything across with this thread is that anyone considering buprenorphine it is not an easy fix it has been one of the hardest things for me to get off of. Only take buprenorphine as a last resort. If you have extreme and consistent relapses it may be a necessity that is why I went on buprenorphine maintenance but to be brutally honest I just was trying to maintain my addiction more than anything and still did not know how to cope with life. I am getting better at it and learning alot of shit about myself. Very fucking grateful to be here tonight because as I have said with the epic superman drug shit I have done I should be dead. As I said in my other thread I feel like something is looking out for me because I did some very careless and reckless shit that my normal conscience would NEVER allow. I cannot pin point where the addiction won over the conscience but I know it didn't completely win it just did in some aspects. But it has come back in full force thanks to my higher self(no pun intended).

Originally Posted by yawanur

sounds shitty

how much money do you think you spent?

I spent probably 10,000$ the past 1-2 years on opioids including illicit opioids,suboxone appointments and prescriptions.
I spent at least a couple grand on candy and sweets because they make you crave sweets. In the 10 years I probably spent about 50,000 including all drugs it could be lest though. But TBH I really don't give a fuck about the money I wasted, money isn't shit. I am more concerned about the relationships I fucked up, the self destructive behavior, the time wasted that could have been used more productively. But I am also grateful from what I learned from this life experience so I think it was worth it.

[iMagiNation]

lol well dude when you middle man generally you do it for one reason - because you're getting something out of it. if you're not, why the fuck go through all that trouble? @your poster above that one^

[ilovechronic]

Originally Posted by iMagiNation

lol well dude when you middle man generally you do it for one reason - because you're getting something out of it. if you're not, why the fuck go through all that trouble? @your poster above that one^

I meant that I would give them free dope plus they were taking advantage of the situation skimping and shit. The other thing is that really the dealer is supposed to hook up the middle man for bringing in customers.

[i poop in your cereal]

Originally Posted by AdMech

Oh my God; I know exactly how you feel. I think. Does that entire year seem covered by a warm golden glow in your memory??

Originally Posted by AdMech

And that year still has a golden haze in my thoughts, an unreal sun-drenched feeling

... !!!!

I've experienced this once, on a high dose of codeine. When I think back on it, I always kinda thought it was some kinda placebo thing or whatever, as it only lasted a few minutes. Very fleeting sensation, but my only way of describing it to myself is that word: Golden; exactly. Sunshine in my mind. Never, ever felt anything remotely like it in normal life. Now I know that that's simply the opiate euphoria, thank you... I don't have experience with more potent opiates, but if that's the feeling they give you, well... I think I should probably stay away from them for the time being.

[fuckbiscuit]

Originally Posted by iMagiNation

^^There are decent people in the tar scene, they're few and far between but I know a scant few people that have and would give me the last of their shit even if they're on a real bad one.

This, pretty much everyone i've met here involved in the heroin scene is generally a nice person. It's just the dealers really.

[reggie_love]

Thanks for sharing, man.

Waking up in peace on a Saturday morning, no sickness, no need, is worth more than any cheap high.

All the best.

[General Butt.Naked]

Originally Posted by ilovechronic

Black tar heroin A very shitty drug but does feel pretty damn good.....Black tar is a fucked up drug and the people you have to deal with as middle men to get it are fucked up shady junkies that have no compassion for a fellow opioid dependent addict

If I can get internet working more solidly, Ill expand on my post but for now:

1. You were getting shitty stuff (which is sadly the norm in a lot of tar country)

2. You were dealing with the wrong people.

The Colombian tar here direct thru Mexico is clean as a whistle most of the time, at most withtrace amounts of sugar or something....but rarely.

Also, If youre dealing with just a straight-up dealer, then yeah....hes gonna be an asshole. But if you happen to deal with a drug user/ dealer, then theyre a lot more likely to be sympathetic. But also, dealers tend to know how junkies are, and that most of them will try to take advantage of people however they can. When I was doing stuff though, everyone knew that when they were sick they could call me and Id get them well...because ive been through that too many times, and I wouldnt wish that feeling on anyone...especially if they have nothing and Im sitting there with a couple pieces.

Im glad to see more posts like this as the BLTC generation matures. I know for a fact that if I had seen some heartfelt posts from users back when I was first considering using, i would have foregone the experience, or at the very least been a lot more cautious. I still remember talking to Hazey and Rizzo on AIM the night before I did it the first time, and having Hazey instruct me on how to prep and IV. Back then everyone was still kind of in the glorious heyday of their usage. No one had yet traveled the whole iruit of addiction, or been through the wringer that everyone eventually does. If an yone did say anything, it was more a joking "Lolz....be careful with that shit or youll get addicted and suck dicks for dope roflmao". It wasnt even until a year or two after that that Hazey kinda hit his "bottom", and then I think IWD had his kid n started dealing with his use, Meta started kicking pills, etc...

Crazy....11 years with you fucks.

[ilovechronic]

Originally Posted by CASPER

If I can get internet working more solidly, Ill expand on my post but for now:

1. You were getting shitty stuff (which is sadly the norm in a lot of tar country)

2. You were dealing with the wrong people.

The Colombian tar here direct thru Mexico is clean as a whistle most of the time, at most withtrace amounts of sugar or something....but rarely.

Also, If youre dealing with just a straight-up dealer, then yeah....hes gonna be an asshole. But if you happen to deal with a drug user/ dealer, then theyre a lot more likely to be sympathetic. But also, dealers tend to know how junkies are, and that most of them will try to take advantage of people however they can. When I was doing stuff though, everyone knew that when they were sick they could call me and Id get them well...because ive been through that too many times, and I wouldnt wish that feeling on anyone...especially if they have nothing and Im sitting there with a couple pieces.

Im glad to see more posts like this as the BLTC generation matures. I know for a fact that if I had seen some heartfelt posts from users back when I was first considering using, i would have foregone the experience, or at the very least been a lot more cautious. I still remember talking to Hazey and Rizzo on AIM the night before I did it the first time, and having Hazey instruct me on how to prep and IV. Back then everyone was still kind of in the glorious heyday of their usage. No one had yet traveled the whole iruit of addiction, or been through the wringer that everyone eventually does. If an yone did say anything, it was more a joking "Lolz....be careful with that shit or youll get addicted and suck dicks for dope roflmao". It wasnt even until a year or two after that that Hazey kinda hit his "bottom", and then I think IWD had his kid n started dealing with his use, Meta started kicking pills, etc...

Crazy....11 years with you fucks.

The dealer had when I was IV using was a friend/user/dealer him self and was on methadone maintenance. I really don't know how good his stuff was but we are near mexico and deal primarily with mexicans in this city. It usually had a strong vinegar odor and when it came as powder it would at least readily convert back to tar by blowing on it or even just from being exposed to the environment.
Really though the potency is not why I said it is a shitty drug. It is black tar, more like brownish-amber but it just is a fucked up nasty substance that should not be injected. I never got an abscess from it because I was pretty damn careful but I watched a friend get abscess after abcess because he could not find veins anymore and would just skinpop the shit in his arm. He would then lance and clean them himself. And they did heal up but he had some nasty open sores for a while and probably could have lost his whole arms. I was alot more careful with my prep work and filtering process than him and eventually he just outright quit even filtering the shit.
I know the tar had nasty cuts in it though because if you prepped a shot even after simple filtering through a q-tip and let the shot sit for an hour or two in the rig talcum sediment would form in the rig. Sometimes this bothered me where I would put sterile filter material backloaded into a syringe and then backloaded the solution and pushed it through into a clean spoon. I then would re draw up that solution into a rinsed/new rig giving a much more transparent solution.
Sometimes I just needed to get that shot in me ASAP and would only filter with a qtip.

I can definitely relate to you saying "I would not wish that feeling on anyone" But on the other hand most of us know the consequences of our actions when using an opioid daily. I never complained much about my w/d because most people I know wouldn't even understand in the first place. I have quit and relapsed on opioids so many times I cannot keep count but i am guessing i have been through(3 days or more) withdrawal at least 300 times.
This time I have the coping skills to deal with this shit and if I can't deal with it I can always smoke a little bud here and there.
But I need to stay off the opioids they are my worst enemy at this point, at one point they were a best friend, a lover, warm goodness.
But I always ALWAYs need to remember the bad and the ugly shit I allowed them to do to me.

Yeah nigga I just ref'd a clint eastwood movie.

The dealer I knew would definitely hook me up to get me well or whatever, that was the whole reason he had me drive him around.
When I was talking about black tar and those middle man junkies they were people I met through people when I first got in to the tar scene and I did not know who they were that's why I said they were just in it for the free dope.

It has now been over 48 hours since my last dose of bupe. I have either come to terms with the psychological aspect of this w/d or the medications are working and I am feeling better than I did at 16 hours,24, and 36 hours since. The memantine is working along with the amiltripyline. Maybe I jumped off at a low enough dose for it not to be as bad as I thought but I am not going to speak to soon and say I am over the worst of it.

[Gun Lover]

I'm out of thanks, but this is a great thread

[CitizenUzi]

This is totally on topic, similar stories I hope someone gets some thing out of mine... TL;DR: Did drugs, loved drugs, crazy shit.

Ahh yes... a lot of that rings bells for me, at 13 I got a script of hydro for a severely dislocated/fractured wrist. I took a few, got the taste, then tried to 'sell' the rest. I got my ass robbed, haha.

High school was same for me except you got deals lilke I never seen, except when my friend ganked 120ct. oxy 20's.... this was before oxy was huge. 10mg lines to get high... god how I remember. I remember buying 7 oxy 40's for like $17 (I emptied my pockets and was like.. here?) from these backwoods kids after getting them a weed bag and pinching a solid blunt too. I snorted one in one go (early in my tolerance) and had to stop to vomit on the blunt ride. This kid was diverting and I gently got a bag of 100 7.5 hydros from him.

EDIT: FENTANYL PATCHES! These were flooding my town because we have a big hospital and hospice palliative care center/s, I was maybe 16 and all of a sudden these fucking patches in all sizes, looked 'em up - bought em up. I think of that as 'fentanyl summer'. 100mcg/hr patches for $40, 75 for 35, 50 for 30. Wow We were HIGH ALLLLLL DAY. squeezing out the gel and stuffing into our noses, eating bits (we didn't know about smoking, but we got dama well high). With the duragesics/solids we would chew pieces like gum, and even after you got high, you could chew it again. My god the last time I even SAW a patch was for 100 for a 50 or a 75. 3 months of straight bliss....ahhh.

I tried dope when I was 15 through a connect in school and I had my hook. He was in and out of jail and we paid suburb prices, but it was good. 80's were becoming more in demand and the prices were going...going...gone! The first time someone told me $70-80 for one my eyes bugged, then I paid cuz I was sick. I went through all that opiate shit and associated and by 17 I was physically addicted to oxy. Ran out my college funds, dropped out and lived the life. Started driving to the city for bundles then stacks. Miserable. Rehabs, junk. My fiance left me. That drove me to suboxone for a short time then a real kick. I stayed straight for 3 months, until I wrecked my bike.

Then I srsly relapsed, did some stuff that landed me in the courts, felonies, but I quit suboxone BEFORE getting locked up so I thank god for that. Spent 364 days in there, came out fighting fit at 180lbs, 6 feet flat... cut up (shredded totally, I made a diet and wouldn't eat the crap or sugar at all) six pack, oh it was nice. Got out, drank and got some ass. a few months passed, I didn't even smoke anymore... chip. Oxy 60 (80s were OP now). Chip again. Opana. Oh fucking opana 40s for 50$ you really threw me off. I had a job, but I was already rolling downhill.

Lost the job, got on the sub clinic, lost the girl, got off the clinic when I got a dilly 8mg hookup and had thousands in disposable credit income. Said fuck it and fucked it. Then my friend died because I wasn't there to resuscitate him as I had been in the past. I bought a fast bike to try and forget, sold it months later for dope. Everything's gone now, I'm back on the clinic which is awful-ler than it used to be. And my benzo use is an issue (need them, can't seem to get them, working on it but they might kick me off by the time I get the shrink to gimme). Tough spot. But dust yourself off, and there's people doin it harder, and the dope over here is... 1 gram of our dope is like POW. and it's cheap, $4 bags, sure they're 50-75mg but they're powerful.


EDIT: OP if you read this, you haven't felt the best the needle has to offer. Coke. Meth too, I hear. DON'T. Really, don't. I started banging coke when on sub just for a high (I couldn't justify spending $100+ on a opiate high) and those ringers are fucking THE high. I stopped, forever hopefully because I'd be dead in another year at that rate. Even still my heart's been acting up since my last OD on xanax, coke, and dope. And good MDMA of course, but I recently got into that. No harm in a roll once in a while, I don't find it addictive at all. As a side note though, you can bang your subutex and they give a pleasant high, totally unlike suboxone. It's weird, but people around here try to get 'em hard for that ($20 is standard for an 8). Instead a nasty sub high, tex highs are nice, and you can use less (Only IV though, and if you do it wash it twice.. draw up a shot, do it, then re-water it and stir well, let it sit, for some reason there's lots left in there - I mean it'll be almost as strong as the initial).

[psychomanthis]

Originally Posted by AdMech

Oh my God; I know exactly how you feel. I think. Does that entire year seem covered by a warm golden glow in your memory? Do you still remember, every time you get high, that feeling you had when you had just popped some morph and were starting up a new game of Battlefront or a History Channel special you were excited about? Does the possibility of returning to that place still sneak into your thoughts every now and again?

I had a similar experience, as you might be able to tell. I knew I liked opioids, because when I got the flu or some shit and was prescribed hydrocodone cough syrup, I realized that I really loved the flu. I was very young, so it took me a while to realize that my memories of illness were always so fond because I was on opioids half the time. Anyway, I was around 16-17 as well when it was discovered that my best friend's father was severely ill. He had bottles upon bottles of morphine tablets as well as a liquid oxycodone nasal spray, which I have never seen before or since. He didn't like them, weirdly; he just wanted to drink beer, smoke weed, and die in peace. So we got him weed, and he gave us his morphine. And that year still has a golden haze in my thoughts, an unreal sun-drenched feeling when thinking of those idyllic lazy days; no responsibilities, since I had graduated from highschool early - just every day popping a morphine tablet, lying down in the late spring sun, and reading my favorite books while peace and contentment floated me up into the clouds and soothed my troubled soul.

Seems criminal that such an experience is not the baseline for humanity.

Wow, sounds wonderful. Actually made me all fuzzy inside and longing for morphine.

Anyhow, don't feel bad OP, i managed to fuck my life up even without an opiate dependence

[RIPtotse]

sounds a lot like my life.

just change the morphine with oxy and the BTH with powder heroin.

...BLTC truly made me who i am today.

[Zok Jr.]

So you're doing meth now?

[DJ Meaty Cheeks]

Man I am so fucking dead if I ever get into opioids.

[STD]

Originally Posted by Gun Lover

I'm out of thanks, but this is a great thread

Agreed, and I think quality threads like this one should be archived so they don't just end up getting lost in the noise after a week.

[STD]

Originally Posted by Alpheus

Man I am so fucking dead if I ever get into opioids.

Also, this. Alcohol makes me happy enough, if I go for opioids.... fuck I'm even scared to take codeine

[Gun Lover]

Originally Posted by STD

Agreed, and I think quality threads like this one should be archived so they don't just end up getting lost in the noise after a week.

I think that's a good idea. I'll get on it.

Edit: If I can figure out how to do it

[iMagiNation]

Originally Posted by Gun Lover

I think that's a good idea. I'll get on it.

Edit: If I can figure out how to do it

edit the original post in advanced options, go to the prefix and put "archived", IIRC. It's been a while.

[Gun Lover]

Done, thanks Rizzo

[ilovechronic]

Update: I am at day 2 or 3 without having to take buprenorphine and I am doing alright. I have discontinued the loperamide until I get the shits and then I may or may not take it again. Luckily the memantine also stops you up. I am lowering my dose of memantine each day from 40-60mgs to minus 10mgs per day and then I will stay on 10 mgs until I get low and go to 5 mgs.

I have to say that buprenorphine is the worst psychological addiction I think I have ever had. I was so fearful of being without it but really it is not as bad as I thought.
Thanks for archiving this. I will be editing and adding to the story today/tomorrow.

[Zok Jr.]

Originally Posted by ilovechronic

memantine

That word always reminds me of this:

IDK why.

Keep up the good work.

[CitizenUzi]

Where do I go about looking for memantine? Is it unscheduled? PM me please, or don't. I'm just curious.

[Piles of Crack]

Originally Posted by CitizenUzi

Where do I go about looking for memantine? Is it unscheduled? PM me please, or don't. I'm just curious.

Go to your doctor's appointment with your pants on backwards and say you have no idea what you're doing there or who the hell he is. Should get you a script.

[poast-bortem!]

Originally Posted by Zok Jr.

So you're doing meth now?

All day son.

[Piles of Crack]

If I became heavily dependent on opioids and started racking up a huge tolerance I would kill myself long before I would live with the guilt of pissing away all my fucking money on a daily basis.

[ilovechronic]

Originally Posted by Piles of Crack

If I became heavily dependent on opioids and started racking up a huge tolerance I would kill myself long before I would live with the guilt of pissing away all my fucking money on a daily basis.

Meh why feel guilty for pissing money away? It is just money.. I actually did not spend my money on a daily basis the majority of the time it would be binges sometimes long lasting if I could sustain a supply or periods of withdrawal and restarting. I bought a lot of material shit besides drugs. I wouldn't sell my stuff for the shit either. The easiest and cheapest method for an opioid dependent person to stay out of w/d is probably buprenorphine.

I never racked up a huge tolerance really tbh. I had maintained for a long ass time without the need to up the dose besides a few occasions involving coke when I was younger and later with black tar.. For me I could not come to terms with intentional suicide. The what happens next part is to great of a question.

[CitizenUzi]

Thanks for the useful tip on memantine that I could actually use TO QUIT. Die in a fire.

[ilovechronic]

Dude it is pretty simple, google. I happened to have a good doctor willing to try it with me. I didn't follow the regimen though.
Trust me the memantine wont give you everything you need to quit. There is a lot more to it.

[vilbe]

story time? shit i wish i had some amps

[and POC, i did once or a few times try to die via drugs, it doesn't work due to obnoxious tolerances divine intervention and some sadistic sick asshole controlling the world]....




so the rabbit hole? bltc history? shit i just talked to acidmelt for the first time in a while, so i'm in nostolgia heaven. i even found [written in like 03] my junkies guide to opiates, oh wow what a noob i was then.......



codiene was my first drug, my first high. fucked up eh? found pot, dropped acid, but came back to opiates. infact i remember upon discovering cocaine, and rock trying to find the elusive dope. remember that crazy junkie jack and infared?! well fuck man, i do. just like jack, my "teenage idols" were all junkie rockstars....


low and behold i found the dope i looked for, and i remember even just sniffing that smelly shit [i got shit at first i know it] got me "woa motherfucker" high. fast foward sometime and the needle doesn't look bad when your sniffin bags a day to barely feel well right? wrong! wrong wrong wrong!!!!


sure loading that needle up makes heroin, heroin IMO, but its the begining of the end. shooting heroin or any opiate really on a regular basis will land you in one of three places. jail, rehab, or dead. i'm sure plenty of us have been to 2 outta the 3, a few even all three....



heres the fucked up thing guys, i had 5 years clean time before picking em up again, and getting worse than i ever was. its a battle no one 10-15 years ago warned [or if they did, i'm sure armsmerchant did, even meta probally] none of us cared, we were in bliss....



the only way to get, or should i say, stay clean is because you want to live. period, end of story. any junkie can tell you kicking is fucking easy, its the PAWS that sucks. depending on tolerance/length/damage your paws can be a while, just get the fuck through it....


don't replace with other opiods, get drunk, tweak, do something similiarly destructive to ease your way back into normal life. or go straight, play video games, stay up for 3-5 days at a time because sleep is an elusive thing you stockpilled while nodding over the years, do all those things you use to wanna do when you were high. iunno man, i'm knew to this shit too.....







i never found the ability to roll like i used to in the post-withdrawal/during the kick from opiates. never, so wait till your brain gets back for that....




also, i find it lulzy that POC mentioned suicide, the similiar thread apparently is hazey's return where he mentions rizzo's involvement in POC's "fake suicide attempt"

[Piles of Crack]

Originally Posted by ilovechronic

Meh why feel guilty for pissing money away? It is just money..

I'm not talking about addicts in general, I'm just talking about myself. I am a very guilt-ridden person and I know from past events how shitty I've felt even spending like $100 for a few hours of being high let alone spending several hundred day in and day out. If people can afford their habits then by all means more power to them.

[ilovechronic]

Originally Posted by vilbe

story time? shit i wish i had some amps

[and POC, i did once or a few times try to die via drugs, it doesn't work due to obnoxious tolerances divine intervention and some sadistic sick asshole controlling the world]....




so the rabbit hole? bltc history? shit i just talked to acidmelt for the first time in a while, so i'm in nostolgia heaven. i even found [written in like 03] my junkies guide to opiates, oh wow what a noob i was then.......



codiene was my first drug, my first high. fucked up eh? found pot, dropped acid, but came back to opiates. infact i remember upon discovering cocaine, and rock trying to find the elusive dope. remember that crazy junkie jack and infared?! well fuck man, i do. just like jack, my "teenage idols" were all junkie rockstars....


low and behold i found the dope i looked for, and i remember even just sniffing that smelly shit [i got shit at first i know it] got me "woa motherfucker" high. fast foward sometime and the needle doesn't look bad when your sniffin bags a day to barely feel well right? wrong! wrong wrong wrong!!!!


sure loading that needle up makes heroin, heroin IMO, but its the begining of the end. shooting heroin or any opiate really on a regular basis will land you in one of three places. jail, rehab, or dead. i'm sure plenty of us have been to 2 outta the 3, a few even all three....



heres the fucked up thing guys, i had 5 years clean time before picking em up again, and getting worse than i ever was. its a battle no one 10-15 years ago warned [or if they did, i'm sure armsmerchant did, even meta probally] none of us cared, we were in bliss....



the only way to get, or should i say, stay clean is because you want to live. period, end of story. any junkie can tell you kicking is fucking easy, its the PAWS that sucks. depending on tolerance/length/damage your paws can be a while, just get the fuck through it....


don't replace with other opiods, get drunk, tweak, do something similiarly destructive to ease your way back into normal life. or go straight, play video games, stay up for 3-5 days at a time because sleep is an elusive thing you stockpilled while nodding over the years, do all those things you use to wanna do when you were high. iunno man, i'm knew to this shit too.....







i never found the ability to roll like i used to in the post-withdrawal/during the kick from opiates. never, so wait till your brain gets back for that....




also, i find it lulzy that POC mentioned suicide, the similiar thread apparently is hazey's return where he mentions rizzo's involvement in POC's "fake suicide attempt"

Awesome post man. I really can relate to alot of shit you said. I was thinking about the fake suicide attempt last night and I was pretty sure it was POC.

[AdMech]

Originally Posted by ilovechronic

But I think you put it pretty damn well in the bold. I mean I coasted my way through that online highschool bullshit but as we know opioids make anything easier to do.

They do, don't they? Some people have told me they get lazy on opioids, but I turn into a working/studying machine. I sometimes feel it would be easier to stay off them if they didn't seem so good for me (until I run out).

I am actually grateful to still be doing this stype of work because I am suffering some right now but I know this is whats best for my mind and endogenous endorphin system.

Good luck, man. Sorry to hear you're still suffering... I know how that is all too well.

If I want to get anything across with this thread is that anyone considering buprenorphine it is not an easy fix it has been one of the hardest things for me to get off of. Only take buprenorphine as a last resort. If you have extreme and consistent relapses it may be a necessity that is why I went on buprenorphine maintenance but to be brutally honest I just was trying to maintain my addiction more than anything and still did not know how to cope with life.

That's why I am considering buprenorphine. I'm thinking it will simply become my drug of choice - not as good as morphine, maybe, but a way to get out of this cycle of relapse and money-spending. Did it help scratch that mental itch that made you want opioids in the first place?

Originally Posted by i poop in your cereal

... !!!!

I've experienced this once, on a high dose of codeine. When I think back on it, I always kinda thought it was some kinda placebo thing or whatever, as it only lasted a few minutes. Very fleeting sensation, but my only way of describing it to myself is that word: Golden; exactly. Sunshine in my mind. Never, ever felt anything remotely like it in normal life. Now I know that that's simply the opiate euphoria, thank you... I don't have experience with more potent opiates, but if that's the feeling they give you, well... I think I should probably stay away from them for the time being.

Glad I could help; also glad to see someone understands what I'm talking about. Sunshine in the mind is most definitely a good way to put it.

Isn't it a fucking shame that this isn't the baseline state for humans? Check out that link to opioids.com - I agree with a lot of their philosophy, and that of hedweb/hedonism as a whole. Hedonism combined with altruism is the recipe of the future, in my opinion.

Originally Posted by psychomanthis

Wow, sounds wonderful. Actually made me all fuzzy inside and longing for morphine.

- but and my apologies if this longing is a bad thing (if you're trying to stay clean, for instance). It's entirely too wonderful... that's really the problem with it. People used to say that, and I'd be like "what? how can something be too good? that's just dumb." Now I understand, though.

[Duke Zion]

This has to be the most depressing thread I have ever read in my life

Opiates should be used occasionally, not everyday

If I had a good amount of money I could see myself falling back into doing Oxy's everyday, but then again I am much more content with DXM and weed, maybe some poppy tea or a methadone once in awhile

[ilovechronic]

Originally Posted by AdMech

They do, don't they? Some people have told me they get lazy on opioids, but I turn into a working/studying machine. I sometimes feel it would be easier to stay off them if they didn't seem so good for me (until I run out).


Good luck, man. Sorry to hear you're still suffering... I know how that is all too well.


That's why I am considering buprenorphine. I'm thinking it will simply become my drug of choice - not as good as morphine, maybe, but a way to get out of this cycle of relapse and money-spending. Did it help scratch that mental itch that made you want opioids in the first place?

Bupe definitely helps with the cravings for me even at the low dose I was on. the problem I think I had is I just was not completely ready to quit full agonists and would switch back and forth and do the full agonists on top of the bupe. For a good amount of time I was just on buprenorphine and doing well at only 2mg per day.
The trick seems to be to get on the stuff and then off of it ASAP. Therapy is definitely a necessity. That is where I went wrong I never did therapy until recently.