The Mental Toll of Failure

[Irukanji]

Recently the subsequent, constant, set backs, coupled with failure after failure is starting to get on my nerves. I'm starting to distrust everybody. Starting to hear voices and random sounds, and the disinterest in most music is making that a bit more apparent(as sitting in a silent room, at night, is...quiet). The HPPD is starting to become more obvious. I regret everything I have done in life up to this point, and I am unable or unwilling to attempt to see myself in an hour, let alone in a year. I am uninterested in life, school, reading, music...everything.

Just as I think it's getting better, something comes along and promptly reminds me that I will be a failure, regardless of how hard I try. I am becoming physically sick because of something I have no control over. I have random emotions, and they are all negative. I wonder why I even bother doing anything. Why am I even writing this? It isn't going to achieve anything, and it will just show people my weaknesses. Weakness and stupidity are insufferable. Yet I am a prime example of the former.

I feel like I want to cry and simultaneously smash everything in the room. Failure is only making the anger rise and all other emotions are being suppressed because of it. My happiness is only superficial, to keep up appearances, and has been for a long time. Sure, there have been a handful of genuinely happy moments, but for the remaining vast majority they have been fake. My memory of everything, at all times unless blacked out, isn't helping.

To say I am a fake person would be incorrect. I am a real physical being. However I have no control over my mind, but it has full control over me. I have recurring thoughts that all of my memories are simply figments of my imagination, even memories from my childhood. I've had what I know are dreams but they “feel” real, and my brain interprets them as memories and stores them accordingly. Reality and fiction are starting to meld together, for the worse. It isn't beneficial to my mental sanity.

Even little things, such as spelling mistakes, are getting on my nerves. A mistake here, a mistake there. It all adds up. Rationally I have zero reasons to even care about these mistakes. But the mind doesn't do rationality. The mind doesn't think. The mind can't even survive on it's own, but neither can the body. The mind is a parasite, but there is no cure. Except a bullet, but that isn't beneficial to the body.

I've had weeks where I have had an intense desire to kill a human, and then other weeks where I could have easily replaced the other human with myself. Unfortunately for me, my mind is still able to stop my body from killing itself or another human, for now. If I killed somebody, and got caught, I'd get the help I need in the eyes of society. If I didn't get caught, then what? Probably keep going until the inevitable happened.

I fear looking into my own eyes. The only temporary relief is pain, but scars are forever. Why does my blood taste good, anyway?

I wish it was just a story and I could rewind back to the good bits.

[Obbe]

You need to stop worrying about it and just let go. Sanity is a modern-day myth. The world is trying to change you into something it needs. Maybe you need to go on a mission. Correct all the "mistakes" of the world. Shave your head. Paint your feelings on the walls of your apartment. Fuck what everyone else thinks. Do what needs to be done.

[Nero]

haha obbe is a faaaaaaaaaaaaaggottttttttttttttttt

[NamelessNom4d]

The purpose of life is to figure out life, it's somewhat recursive. Try and make something useful out of all the negativity and just go with it. Remember that everything happens for a reason, and no matter how shitty something is there is some good that can come out of it. Use your experiences to grow and become a better person.

[Nero]

Originally Posted by Slice_760

The purpose of life is to figure out life

well since you created life and the universe im glad you shared this information with us, almighty god

[Daily]

Originally Posted by Obbe

You need to stop worrying about it and just let go. Sanity is a modern-day myth. The world is trying to change you into something it needs. Maybe you need to go on a mission. Correct all the "mistakes" of the world. Shave your head. Paint your feelings on the walls of your apartment. Fuck what everyone else thinks. Do what needs to be done.

Why would you post this? This is a lovely gesture and everything but is of no use to anyone. This is a serious forum about real people with real problems. Vague hippie bullshit won't save anybody, and neither would shaving your own head. Don't post in this forum again.

Anyway, OP, it's quite obvious you are clinically depressed, and most probably suffer from a mixture of derealization and depersonalization. I'm not so sure about the last bit you wrote - do you self-harm and drink your own blood? From what you wrote, it'll be easy to come to the conclusion of you suffering from borderline personality disorder. Like you said, there are times when you'd like to kill someone, but there are also times when you'd gladly sacrifice yourself for another human (I think that's what you meant, I'm not so sure). You have severe mood swings that you have no control over. You believe your memories are not real. You are beginning to have trouble telling apart reality from what's in your head. You're also doing something called splitting, where you're viewing things as being either good or bad (a bullet to the brain is the only cure you said, even though you're aware it's not "beneficial".). You're also doing something called devaluation, where you're going to the extreme in regards to being self-critical. Read about BPD online and see if you can identify. Management and treatment of BPD is very common.

[Shrike]

I feel you, OP. I know this probably doesn't mean much but you're not the only one with this kind of shit going on out there.

Hearing voices and random sounds is one of the stages of psychosis, I would say go and see a doctor. Admittedly they'll probably just try and push drugs on you, which do suck but they can be beneficial in the short-medium term (once you get over the initial side-effects). Counselling is also good, though it's usually only temporary, and doesn't really *fix* anything per se.

I would say don't do anything stupid or crazy, or you're just likely to end up in a mental hospital for a couple of weeks, which suck severe dick, believe me.

But yeah, a lot of that shit I have going on; the fear of failure, only remembering the bad moments in your life, random flashbacks to awful memories you wish you could forget, anger etc. It sucks fucking dick, and I don't really know what to do about it.

Anyway, chill out and don't do anything crazy. Have a bubble bath, eat some nice food etc and see if tommorow isn't a bit better.

[L33tz]

unsurpassable obstacle unsolvable math written in my chronicle astronomical

[Obbe]

Originally Posted by whore to a chainsaw

haha obbe is a faaaaaaaaaaaaaggottttttttttttttttt

someone who loves you would be hurt to see you say that

[Irukanji]

Originally Posted by Daily

Anyway, OP, it's quite obvious you are clinically depressed, and most probably suffer from a mixture of derealization and depersonalization. I'm not so sure about the last bit you wrote - do you self-harm and drink your own blood?

To be able to drink your own blood would require more than a few mm, but more or less yes. I hide it so people don't think I'm some sort of fucking nutjob. The pain makes me feel human and takes my mind off shit.

From what you wrote, it'll be easy to come to the conclusion of you suffering from borderline personality disorder. Like you said, there are times when you'd like to kill someone, but there are also times when you'd gladly sacrifice yourself for another human (I think that's what you meant, I'm not so sure).

I don't know about "sacrifice", but when my mind is in that state I'd be happy to do it both ways, but murder/suicide never comes into my mind. Sounds like a shit way to be remembered "oh that arsehole who killed some random cunts and then offed himself".

You have severe mood swings that you have no control over.

Basically, yep.

You believe your memories are not real. You are beginning to have trouble telling apart reality from what's in your head.

Sadly, yep. Some memories were merely dreams, and when I'm down for the count so to speak, like when I wrote the OP, the difference isn't there. Sometimes, even when in a "normal" state, it will happen.

You're also doing something called splitting, where you're viewing things as being either good or bad (a bullet to the brain is the only cure you said, even though you're aware it's not "beneficial".). You're also doing something called devaluation, where you're going to the extreme in regards to being self-critical. Read about BPD online and see if you can identify. Management and treatment of BPD is very common.

Alright, I'll see what this is about, cheers.

Originally Posted by Shrike

I feel you, OP. I know this probably doesn't mean much but you're not the only one with this kind of shit going on out there.

Doesn't make it any better. I can't feel other peoples pain, even if they describe it. Emotional "pain" that others suffer only make me hate them, even if they are close to me. Emotions are one of those things I think are unnecessary to modern humans in their currently used(abused) form. I have something written up that I think I will type up and see what people think.

Hearing voices and random sounds is one of the stages of psychosis, I would say go and see a doctor. Admittedly they'll probably just try and push drugs on you, which do suck but they can be beneficial in the short-medium term (once you get over the initial side-effects). Counselling is also good, though it's usually only temporary, and doesn't really *fix* anything per se.

And chances are the drugs would just be a waste of money and end up with half my brains splattered over the wall of the doctors anyway.

I would say don't do anything stupid or crazy, or you're just likely to end up in a mental hospital for a couple of weeks, which suck severe dick, believe me.

I never do anything stupid or crazy anyway, closest I was to doing the stupidest thing I would have ever done I was at the front door of this persons house and then couldn't bring myself to knock. Lucky for her. Turned out she wasn't home anyway.

But yeah, a lot of that shit I have going on; the fear of failure, only remembering the bad moments in your life, random flashbacks to awful memories you wish you could forget, anger etc. It sucks fucking dick, and I don't really know what to do about it.

I can't remember any awful memories, or they are all suppressed. I went through a few years of purging unneeded or unwanted memories. Copious amounts of meth and psychedelics lol. Probably where the problems started, but I can remember a few moments before I ever used drugs of similar occurrences. Memories are useless, except for the ones containing knowledge or information which can be used to your advantage.

Anyway, chill out and don't do anything crazy. Have a bubble bath, eat some nice food etc and see if tommorow isn't a bit better.

It always gets better, just a week every now and then, maybe a few days, where it feels like the OP.

[Myxomatosis]

Those voices?

It's your balls talking to you. They're looking for a job to do for you, man.

[ObscuredByClouds]

Stop smoking so much weed

[i poop in your cereal]

Try drugs. Or leaving the basement and going for a walk in the sunshine. Either one will do.

[Irukanji]

Originally Posted by ObscuredByClouds

Stop smoking so much weed

Weed is a childs drug, since only children think it is good.

Originally Posted by i poop in your cereal

Try drugs. Or leaving the basement and going for a walk in the sunshine. Either one will do.

1. Drugs only work sometimes.
2. There are no basements in Aus, that I know of. Nice try, faggot.