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04-09-2012, 08:06 AM
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You'd Rather Be Fapping
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: The bottom
Thanks: 18
Thanked 220 Times in 180 Posts
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Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
He held a knife to her tender face – indicating she had no option. She gripped the syringe with experience as Aaron let out an inaudible sigh while the opiate entered his bloodstream. The record had played itself through, quietness made the situation all the more real. The man next to him signalled it was his turn - Maria's make-up had all but melted off her face. Aaron's eyes rolled to the back of his large head, a very slow breath overtook him as she began to inject the brute laying on the floor next to him. Complete emptiness and a sense of hopelessness boiled to a peak, but she gave little sound. Her face was clenched – she loaded the syringe a half dozen more times for her brother's guests until she dropped the kit. She waited for nothing, she left her family.
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what
Last edited by Dumpster Slut; 04-09-2012 at 08:10 AM.
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04-11-2012, 03:52 AM
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Duke
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Places
Thanks: 347
Thanked 308 Times in 253 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
Sounds violent.
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04-11-2012, 05:52 AM
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Pumped With Gravy
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: In a Mosque
Thanks: 743
Thanked 507 Times in 359 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
I read it to GF she Lold
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Catch you in rem and turn your dreams to nightmaresYou'll be unaware as I take you downstairs for some repairsSo when you squares try to meddle in my affairs know it'll only end in tears ---PoastBortem
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04-11-2012, 06:24 AM
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Duke
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Places
Thanks: 347
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
lol
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04-11-2012, 06:26 AM
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Pumped With Gravy
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: In a Mosque
Thanks: 743
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
5 stars
__________________
Catch you in rem and turn your dreams to nightmaresYou'll be unaware as I take you downstairs for some repairsSo when you squares try to meddle in my affairs know it'll only end in tears ---PoastBortem
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04-11-2012, 06:39 AM
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Duke
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Places
Thanks: 347
Thanked 308 Times in 253 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
4.5 Stars.
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04-11-2012, 06:40 AM
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Pumped With Gravy
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: In a Mosque
Thanks: 743
Thanked 507 Times in 359 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
Great read none the less
__________________
Catch you in rem and turn your dreams to nightmaresYou'll be unaware as I take you downstairs for some repairsSo when you squares try to meddle in my affairs know it'll only end in tears ---PoastBortem
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04-11-2012, 06:52 AM
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Duke
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Places
Thanks: 347
Thanked 308 Times in 253 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
Great read some the more.
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04-11-2012, 07:04 AM
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Duke
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Places
Thanks: 347
Thanked 308 Times in 253 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
Only 4?
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04-11-2012, 08:18 AM
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Pumped With Gravy
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: In a Mosque
Thanks: 743
Thanked 507 Times in 359 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
Deserved more stars
__________________
Catch you in rem and turn your dreams to nightmaresYou'll be unaware as I take you downstairs for some repairsSo when you squares try to meddle in my affairs know it'll only end in tears ---PoastBortem
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04-11-2012, 11:26 AM
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Duke
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earthquake Country
Thanks: 727
Thanked 647 Times in 442 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
Not bad but not good either.
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04-11-2012, 11:30 AM
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Grander Duke
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Thanks: 929
Thanked 1,282 Times in 985 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
So, are you writing a novel?
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04-11-2012, 11:55 AM
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Knight
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: stranded in my hubbys fantasie
Thanks: 364
Thanked 140 Times in 118 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
that's actually really very good! if the rest of the book was like this I'd Love 2 read it.
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Approved for all audiences
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04-11-2012, 06:29 PM
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You'd Rather Be Fapping
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: The bottom
Thanks: 18
Thanked 220 Times in 180 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
its going to be about the life of a girl born into a family of mafioso's. later on i will put the story into the perspective of her son where i will change the writing to first person.
it's going to be a tragic novel - any periods of optimism will mostly crash down into further distress until she gets into her later life.
Ill post more later on
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what
Last edited by Dumpster Slut; 04-11-2012 at 06:33 PM.
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04-11-2012, 06:32 PM
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Pumped With Gravy
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: In a Mosque
Thanks: 743
Thanked 507 Times in 359 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
I would love to read the finished product
__________________
Catch you in rem and turn your dreams to nightmaresYou'll be unaware as I take you downstairs for some repairsSo when you squares try to meddle in my affairs know it'll only end in tears ---PoastBortem
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04-11-2012, 06:57 PM
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You'd Rather Be Fapping
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: The bottom
Thanks: 18
Thanked 220 Times in 180 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PotRoastMuscles
I would love to read the finished product
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I already have the complete story. I'm going to make it as real as possible given these events have actually happened. It will take awhile for me to write and polish it but I will continue to post new excerpts as time goes on.
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what
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04-11-2012, 06:59 PM
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Pumped With Gravy
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: In a Mosque
Thanks: 743
Thanked 507 Times in 359 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
Sounds great.
__________________
Catch you in rem and turn your dreams to nightmaresYou'll be unaware as I take you downstairs for some repairsSo when you squares try to meddle in my affairs know it'll only end in tears ---PoastBortem
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04-11-2012, 07:38 PM
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Duke
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: CA Ontario
Thanks: 289
Thanked 374 Times in 310 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
I would not buy your book.
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04-11-2012, 07:42 PM
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Grander Duke
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Thanks: 929
Thanked 1,282 Times in 985 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
What about WAN's book?
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04-11-2012, 07:43 PM
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Duke
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: CA Ontario
Thanks: 289
Thanked 374 Times in 310 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Cornwell
What about WAN's book?
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Does WAN have a book? I never knew.
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04-11-2012, 07:46 PM
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Grander Duke
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Thanks: 929
Thanked 1,282 Times in 985 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yurpen
Does WAN have a book? I never knew.
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WAN = Writing A Novel
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04-11-2012, 08:07 PM
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Pumped With Gravy
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: In a Mosque
Thanks: 743
Thanked 507 Times in 359 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
You shouldn't insult a novelist.
__________________
Catch you in rem and turn your dreams to nightmaresYou'll be unaware as I take you downstairs for some repairsSo when you squares try to meddle in my affairs know it'll only end in tears ---PoastBortem
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04-11-2012, 08:50 PM
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Knight
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: stranded in my hubbys fantasie
Thanks: 364
Thanked 140 Times in 118 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
I'm really very interested in reading this book so please keep us updated. I would totally take this time o spend here on zoklet & read that instead.
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Approved for all audiences
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04-11-2012, 08:52 PM
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Grander Duke
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Thanks: 929
Thanked 1,282 Times in 985 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Delia
I'm really very interested in reading this book so please keep us updated. I would totally take this time o spend here on zoklet & read that instead.
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It's statements like that that show why this site can't have nice things. 
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04-11-2012, 08:55 PM
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Pumped With Gravy
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: In a Mosque
Thanks: 743
Thanked 507 Times in 359 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
Whatever do you mean ?
__________________
Catch you in rem and turn your dreams to nightmaresYou'll be unaware as I take you downstairs for some repairsSo when you squares try to meddle in my affairs know it'll only end in tears ---PoastBortem
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04-11-2012, 09:05 PM
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Knight
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: stranded in my hubbys fantasie
Thanks: 364
Thanked 140 Times in 118 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
Yes please enlighten me & tell me whatever the fuck do you mean?
__________________
Approved for all audiences
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04-11-2012, 09:16 PM
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Pumped With Gravy
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: In a Mosque
Thanks: 743
Thanked 507 Times in 359 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
He was trolling.
__________________
Catch you in rem and turn your dreams to nightmaresYou'll be unaware as I take you downstairs for some repairsSo when you squares try to meddle in my affairs know it'll only end in tears ---PoastBortem
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04-11-2012, 09:21 PM
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Grander Duke
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Thanks: 929
Thanked 1,282 Times in 985 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PotRoastMuscles
He was trolling.
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You defame and wound me grievously!
It's because people take time away that zoklet fades and turns to gay.
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04-11-2012, 09:31 PM
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Pumped With Gravy
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: In a Mosque
Thanks: 743
Thanked 507 Times in 359 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
I agree with that statement
__________________
Catch you in rem and turn your dreams to nightmaresYou'll be unaware as I take you downstairs for some repairsSo when you squares try to meddle in my affairs know it'll only end in tears ---PoastBortem
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The following users say "It is so good to hear it!":
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04-12-2012, 01:12 AM
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Euphorogenesis
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: The Dark Side
Thanks: 741
Thanked 899 Times in 656 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
I state that with agreement.
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"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."
In memory of TOTSE.com
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04-12-2012, 04:16 AM
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Count
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Bitter Buffalo
Thanks: 404
Thanked 309 Times in 209 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
mix up some of those full stops with semi colons. It is a fragmentary style.
__________________
poly tussling
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04-12-2012, 05:52 AM
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Pumped With Gravy
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: In a Mosque
Thanks: 743
Thanked 507 Times in 359 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
im confused right now
anyone here?
__________________
Catch you in rem and turn your dreams to nightmaresYou'll be unaware as I take you downstairs for some repairsSo when you squares try to meddle in my affairs know it'll only end in tears ---PoastBortem
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04-12-2012, 05:53 AM
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Duke
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: CA Ontario
Thanks: 289
Thanked 374 Times in 310 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
what is this i dont even
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04-12-2012, 05:54 AM
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Pumped With Gravy
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: In a Mosque
Thanks: 743
Thanked 507 Times in 359 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
please fill me in i think im having a bad trip
__________________
Catch you in rem and turn your dreams to nightmaresYou'll be unaware as I take you downstairs for some repairsSo when you squares try to meddle in my affairs know it'll only end in tears ---PoastBortem
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04-12-2012, 06:02 AM
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Duke
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: CA Ontario
Thanks: 289
Thanked 374 Times in 310 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
Let me read it up from the top. hold up
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04-12-2012, 06:04 AM
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Pumped With Gravy
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: In a Mosque
Thanks: 743
Thanked 507 Times in 359 Posts
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Re: Writing a book. Critique my writing please.
I think your book needs a co-author .
I recomend China cat or BradleyB
__________________
Catch you in rem and turn your dreams to nightmaresYou'll be unaware as I take you downstairs for some repairsSo when you squares try to meddle in my affairs know it'll only end in tears ---PoastBortem
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