Death_Merchant's guide to being happy in a relationship.

[Death_Merchant]

I hear a lot of stories here about this and that, fidelity issues, etc... For me, I've had few issues with relationships. I'll tell you about my mentality with dealing with relationships. Feel free to ask specific questions as it will be general to save my time and to not have to write a book.

There are a few things that you absolutely must have or do to make a relationship work.
The main one is to love your partner in life. Love is the ground that you build everything upon, and without this foundation, you have no hope in making anything work. All things can be conquered if you truly love someone. However, you also must know when you both want something too different, respect it, and move on to find someone who shares a closer mindset to yours

The other things you must do, is be understanding, forgiving, and have open communication based on honesty and trust. Respect for the others individuality is very important. Relationships are reciprocal, so don't expect more than what you're willing to put into one.

The first thing you should never do, is expect someone to follow your guidelines. They simply won't, and it will always lead to disappointment. You can sway their actions and mentality, but it is ultimately up to them to decide how they will conduct themselves. Most people trip themselves up big time by trying to force a conduct on their partners. When you love someone, you respect their individuality, and respect their varying views and conduct.

A real big issue for a lot of people on this site, and generally in life, is fidelity. Some people will make this the be all and end all of a relationship. This is absolutely a joke to me. Statistically speaking, the odds are seriously against you if you think you're going to find someone who can be this. It can happen, but statistically the odds are against it. Also, when you create this expectation on a person, and tell them there will be no forgiveness or compromise, you basically have destroyed open communication, honesty, and trust, if they are unfaithful. They won't tell you if it happens, so they will deceive you. Another major problem with this zero tolerance demand, is that a lot of people will do self-destructive things in a relationship, if they feel things aren't going great at the moment. Most of these things are minor, and can be overcome through open communication. However, if you make this demand, they might have sex with someone if it's seen as a relationship ender, just because they feel wavered and know it will end things. Destroys countless relationships that could be easily salvaged. They aren't likely to do this if you aren't making this demand outright.

When dealing with this kind of problem, you must remember one thing. People are not mate for life creatures, our emotions can get the better of us, and we can all make mistakes. In the right situations, anyone will cheat, with the exception of a few very strong-willed people. This is where understanding comes into play. You must know that this stuff happens, quite often actually. It doesn't equate to them not loving you, or trying to hurt you, in every situation. Some people just need something different, or have simply been seduced really well, and errored. If you've done your best in the communication department, your partner will tell you what honestly happened. This is the time you think about the situation, and not just react. This might waver your trust in them slightly, but if they can't talk to you about it at all, and you find out on your own, all trust will be gone. You are just as much at fault for creating a situation where they aren't comfortable telling you, cause you aren't understanding.

From this point, you discuss what has happened, why, and how to keep it from happening in the future. The answers could be a variety of things. Maybe they've realized that monogamy isn't right for them. From here, you might accept this position, leave them, or join them. Maybe it was just a bad situation, and they let their instincts get the best of them. Understanding this situation, and working to eliminate the same thing happening again, will be your task if this happens. Help them realize that they can't be alone with certain men or women, and how to spot these situations. It usually works wonders to do this. Another situation could be that they honestly aren't in love with you anymore, or feel the relationship isn't what they want. It's probably time to move on if this is the case.

I would also like to mention there is a big difference between sex, and an affair. Sex, is more of a random thing, possibly just the heat of the moment caused it. An affair, is when they aren't just fucking someone else, but actually establishing a relationship, bot personal and sexual. This doesn't always mean it's over with you, but likely does. Some people are comfortable with this situation, and do the same as well without seriously damaging the relationship with their GF or wife. Most people aren't mentally capable of this, so if they aren't willing to end their affair, leave.

I will offer advice for any scenario you throw at me.

Another one is fighting. Conflicts are a normal occurrence between two people, especially when you share your lives daily, and your decisions affect the other greatly. Understanding and communication is key here. You have to be open to your partners side of things, and willing to tell her exactly how you feel about the problem. Learn to develop conflict resolutions skills that fit your dynamic, and remember to keep in mind that you love them, and that it's worth it to solve problems. This varies a great deal from relationship to relationship. I've met some who get into yelling matches, some that physically fight, and others who calmly talk, with all having great success in solving the problem. Heated arguments can lead to some very passionate sex sometimes too. There is only a problem when yelling matches and physical matches are only to hurt the other person, and no problems are ever solved. I know it sounds funny that some couples beat each other up, or yell, but some people really just can't speak their mind until they do. This doesn't always equate to abuse, unless one of the parties is resorting to it to bully the other. It's strange how some people deal with things. I've met a couple who genuinely liked to fight each other for fun. The woman liked aggressive sex, so she would start a fight just to get it. He enjoyed being put into a rage too. Relationship dynamics are very odd indeed.

The only other thing I can think to add at this moment, is having some kind of aggreance about direction. Where you want to be in life in 5, 10, 25 years. Whether you want kids, and how many. Whether you want marriage. What kind of relationship and lifestyle you wish to lead, etc. Find out what each others goals are and formulate ways to help each other reach them. Once again, understanding, open communication, and respect for the other is key.

[reallystupidstuff]

tl/dr

[Tokerface]

tldr

[xxombie]

tl;dr

[coastal progress]

Does need a tl;dr, sorry. When I think about relationships, it's simple: the only reason to be in a relationship is to make you and your partner happier. If you're every less happy than you would be without the relationship, it's time to fix things. And if you try to fix things but it seems impossible, you need to question whether or not you should be in the relationship at all. If things can't be fixed easily, it's over. If it causes you stress and makes you unhappy, it's not worth it.

[Anima Mundi]

Originally Posted by xxombie

tl;dr

QFT.

[Yggdrasil]

It's not too terribly long, and the advice is pretty solid. Thanks!

[Death_Merchant]

Originally Posted by Yggdrasil

It's not too terribly long, and the advice is pretty solid. Thanks!

You're welcome. Too bad most people here are too lazy to read it.

[Death_Merchant]

Originally Posted by coastal progress

Does need a tl;dr, sorry. When I think about relationships, it's simple: the only reason to be in a relationship is to make you and your partner happier. If you're every less happy than you would be without the relationship, it's time to fix things. And if you try to fix things but it seems impossible, you need to question whether or not you should be in the relationship at all. If things can't be fixed easily, it's over. If it causes you stress and makes you unhappy, it's not worth it.

Well yeah, but the point of my post was to help eliminate stupid issues that are very common. It's to help people with relationship issues develop a proper mindset to deal with their relationship. I had to learn this stuff from failure and deep contemplation about those failures. I'm very smart, so it came easily, while most people continue to make reoccurring mistakes. I'm sharing it to benefit anyone willing to read for 5 minutes or less. 5 minutes is worth it if it will help you have a healthier relationship.

[jackketch]

Originally Posted by Death_Merchant

The only other thing I can think to add at this moment, is having some kind of aggreance about direction. Where you want to be in life in 5, 10, 25 years. Whether you want kids, and how many. Whether you want marriage. What kind of relationship and lifestyle you wish to lead, etc..

There is an old jewish joke: "How do you make God laugh?" Answer: "Tell him your plans for the future"

Sure agree on a general direction but don't get hung up on plans. And plans about how many kids, and when, are particularly prone to being totally wrong. Even in the best regulated relationships, children tend to appear at precisely the wrong moment, despite contraceptions and at that moment when their arrival will cause maximum financial damage.

Mother Nature has a very twisted sense of humour.

Also remember that where you will be in 5 years time depends on what you do today. There but for me go I.

[jackketch]

oh and mod rep for the OP.

[Death_Merchant]

Originally Posted by jackketch

There is an old jewish joke: "How do you make God laugh?" Answer: "Tell him your plans for the future"

Sure agree on a general direction but don't get hung up on plans. And plans about how many kids, and when, are particularly prone to being totally wrong. Even in the best regulated relationships, children tend to appear at precisely the wrong moment, despite contraceptions and at that moment when their arrival will cause maximum financial damage.

Mother Nature has a very twisted sense of humour.

Also remember that where you will be in 5 years time depends on what you do today. There but for me go I.

I definitely agree.

[ComradeAsh]

Originally Posted by jackketch

There but for me go I.

Where is that from?

[jackketch]

Originally Posted by ComradeAsh

Where is that from?

No idea, I got it years ago at a business seminar-a 'positive thinking' type motivational thing, actually taught me a lot.

"If it's to be then it's up to me"

"The size of your funeral will be determined by the weather"

"A rut is just a grave with the ends kicked out"

"Better to be tried by 12 of your enemies then buried by six of your friends"

"No one ever died from having too many weapons to hand"....oooOOps...getting my seminars mixed up there a bit!



One of the things you realize when you get to spend one on one time with extremely rich and successful people is just how frighteningly like yourself they are and how big a fuck up they are, how close many of them came to drinking cheap plastic bottles of supermarket own brand cider under bridges.

[Sally Paradise]

Sounds like good advice, but what are your credentials, Death Merchant? What makes you more qualified than the next guy to dispense relationship advice?

Also, lol @ jackketch

[LiquidIce]

Some very good points, +rep. Especially makes me think about the cheating part, that cheating might not the be absolute... end.

[Death_Merchant]

Originally Posted by Sally Paradise

Sounds like good advice, but what are your credentials, Death Merchant? What makes you more qualified than the next guy to dispense relationship advice?

Also, lol @ jackketch

Life experience. I'm also quite learned when it comes to people and relationships. Read a few books on psychology, sociology, neuroscience, etc. In my family there are many couples who've been married for well over 20 years. My parents have been married for 32 years. I've learned a lot from them. I've also learned from personal experience, and have spent a lot of hours on boards like this hearing about every imaginable problem and the solutions that worked or failed. I'm also a very functional person myself, zero hang-ups, in control of my emotions, and have amazing interpersonal skills. I have a gifted mind too, which really allows me to analyze things better than the majority. I spend a great deal of time contemplating situations, and other's reactions to things. I guess you could say I'm a student of human nature, and now I'm starting to become a teacher too.

I guess you could say invaluable knowledge qualifies me. Really, the only people who won't at least give this knowledge some thought, are usually the same arrogant people who are back here weekly talking about how things are fucked up for them. Or how they can't even find someone in the first place.

[SilkySmooth]

Originally Posted by Death_Merchant

Read a few books on psychology, sociology, neuroscience, etc.

I'm interested to know: what would you say you have specifically learned from neuroscience that relates to the maintenance of a successful, romantic relationship?

[Zip]

Zip's guide to being happy in a relationship.

Don't get in a relationship.

[Death_Merchant]

Originally Posted by SilkySmooth

I'm interested to know: what would you say you have specifically learned from neuroscience that relates to the maintenance of a successful, romantic relationship?

Cause neuroscience relates to the underlying chemical reactions that take place, that form the human psychy. Learning how the brain works and reacts beyond the conscious and subconscious levels is very important.

A metaphor would be a computer. A brain is very similar to a computer. All software is built around the design of the computer, not the other way around. When you start to understand why the computer is built the way it is, it becomes easier to understand why software is designed the way it is.

The complexity of our thinking is determined based on how our brain is wired in a big way. Most people are wired exactly the same, and their psychological processes are very similarly organized too.

Basically, I learned all three stages of how the brain works. I learned the mechanical side, the psychological side, and how the different peoples brains interact with each other through sensory information, which brings one back to neuroscience all over again. It's a working circle.

We're all just walking, talking, chemical robots.

[underOATH]

Originally Posted by Death_Merchant

A brain is very similar to a computer.

No.

Information processing is not the same as a computer. In fact, it's almost always related to be the opposite or at least, dissimilar, than a computer.

[Death_Merchant]

Originally Posted by underOATH

No.

Information processing is not the same as a computer. In fact, it's almost always related to be the opposite or at least, dissimilar, than a computer.

I didn't say same, I said similar. By similar I mean they both process information according to their design.

[SilkySmooth]

Death_Merchant, I asked for something specific, not so vague. I'm a final year Psychology undergrad with some knowledge of neuroscience myself and have heard those general metaphors you use over and over. Gimme something specific... or are you just full of your own self-importance rather than real knowledge?

[SLIM]

Inb4heartbreak

Happy relationship: Let them do what they want in their own time and have your together time; they don't like it then tough shit, move on after you've fucked em.

No one has a perfect relationship, there will be arguments eventually, expect them and you'll be fine.