The Art of a Good Bong
by Evan Hughes
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The art of bong making dates back at least a few decades. Fortunatly for us, it is still here. The night this was written/submitted, I was feeling creative, in an engineering sort of way (believe it or not, not an oxy-moron). I decided to design a bong that is a mix of the two that I know, and a Hookah. I'll have another article on the art/science of bong-making in time, hopefully, a short amount of it.
The bong I designed is a mix of a GRAVITY BONG, a WATER BONG, and the ever-popular HOOKAH. Though you should be warned, I haven't tested it yet.
2 BOWLS (not a piece, not a cereal, the thing you put the pot in. If you have a piece where the bowl it's self can come out, use the bowl. Generally they come out on metal pieces)
1 ROLL OF ALUMINUM FOIL
2 MILK CARTONS (the gallon kind, they work better than coke bottles on regular non-hybrid bongs, trust me. Oh, and SAVE THE CAPS!!!)
1 X-ACATO KNIFE (or any other knife you can use for small holes)
1 FIVE FOOT HOSE
1 ONE AND A HALF FOOT LONG RUBBER HOSE
1-4 HOSES (for use like a hookah, so the amount/size is up to you.)
1 BATHTUB (you know, like the spare one you keep in your wallet.:^) Not really necessary for the actual making)
Before you assemble, DO NOT SMOKE! Not even one bowl or joint. Precision is very important, so is concentration. 'Sides, waiting will make this more enjoyable. And these things will take a buncha weed, which is why you probably only want to take it out for a party.
1. Take the milk cartons. Cut X's in the tops, big enough so that your bowl will fit through, but small enough so that it is airtight (well, this isn't rocket science, misprecision just makes it work less.)
2. Put the bowl(s) in the top of the cartons. Cut a hole in the milk carton near the top big enough so that your hose will get through.
NOTE: Precision is important here, but if you mess up, you can just make a hole next to it, and cover that with tape. Also, if you don't have a bowl like I described, reefer, I mean refer to the section on filter-making/using below (unless I forget it, which I hope the editors point out if I do).
3. Cut the bottoms of the milk cartons.
4. Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.
5. Cut 2-5 holes in the carton that you will be sucking out of. Enough for the hoses, and you will need a carb.
6. Take your 3' hose and put it on the bowl that is going to be used on the carton w/ your hit hoses (the hoses you suck out of).
7. Put the hit hoses in the designated holes.
8. Put the 5' hose through it's hole in the hit carton (if you are that dumb, the one w/ the hit hoses. If you are <i>THAT</i> dumb, how did you get this far?)
9. Refer to the "Cutting the Hoses Section"
10. Smoke a joint and admire your work (unless you did a crappy job, in which case you suck, and should go in the corner and die).
Ahh, the best part. You will want to be close to a chair, maybe even a toilet, because you are gonna be BLAZED. DON'T go further until you are fully finished making this, including the hose section, which is vital. Also, have tape handy for step #6.
1. This is where the bathtub comes in. Take the caps off of your cartons, and put them in the water.
2. Fill the tub, bozo. Oh, and make sure it doesn't go higher than one inch below the the milk carton top.
3. Take the caps off of your cartons, and put them in the water.
4. Put the pot in the bowls. Like always, the better the pot, the better the time. Also, the tighter you pack, the better the hit.
5. Light the bowl on the non-hit carton (if you don't know what I am talking about, just go to the fringe part of this site with all the other morons). Cover the hole for the hose that leads to the hit carton. Pull the carton up, and watch the smoke go in to the chamber.
DO NOT PULL HIGHER THAN WATER LINE!!!
6. Cover the hole with the tape, and have someone hold the carton for you.
7. Pinch the inter-carton hose, and repeat step 5. Make sure you are covering all the hit hoses.
8. Put the hose in the Non-hit-carton.
9. Take the bowls out. If you wish, tape the tops shut, but since they are X's, you don't need to.
10. Before you go ANY further, make sure of the following;
A: You have a hose connecting the two cartons.
B: The tops are covered.
11. Put your mouth(s) on the hit hose(s).
12. Push down the Non-hit-carton, the name will soon become a mystery.
13. If neccessary, hold, and exhale. if not, hold.
14. While keeping the Non-hit-carton down, push down the hit carton.
15. Hold, and exhale.
16. Order a BUNCHA pizza, you're gonna need it. Water shoud be good too.
After that, sit back, relax, and enjoy.
Ok, so you don't have a spare bowl, don't worry. If you have ever made a ghetto-bong, known to some as something that I can't remember, where you take the toilet paper cardboard thing, and cut a hole in it, if you have made one, you use that aluminum foil thingy and connect it to the hose, perhaps with one of those funnels.
Basically, what you do is take a piece of foil big enough to cover the top, with room in it to hold pot (cereal bowl-shaped). Toke, er, take a safety pin or a paper-clip, or anything small and sharp, and poke buncha holes in it (15-50, the more, the more tedious, but more smoke, but make it so air can't get in. The problem with these is you have to remake them every time, which could be a drag (NPI) if you are high.
This is the hardest part, but it cools the smoke for you, and does a bit of filtering of the tar (not the THC, the tar is what hurts and fucks-up your lungs). You will need a lighter, preferably zippo, because that makes it easier, but any old lighter will do. You can use matches, but I wouldn't suggest it. Here is what you do;
1. On the Inter-Carton hose, find the opening. Make a slice a a 60-89 degree angle, making sure you start on the outside edge. The steeper the cut, the harder to make in the long run, but well worth it. Then cut it so it can go on to the other hose ina moderatly airtight fashion.
2. Make a cut on your 3 foot hose that will accomidate the Inter-Carton, about 1 foot up. What I mean, is you must make it so that it will be smaller than the cut you made, but big enough so that it can pull smoke, and let smoke through. Make sure it is a foot or two up.
3. Get your lighter out. put the Inter-Carton hose on it's 3' hose's hole, and start melting them together. This is the part that takes pure skill. And if you fuck up, you need to start the ENTINRE, I mean, from top of page up, thing over again. So be careful.
4. Attach the finished product to the bottom of the Hit-Carton (you fool). Make sure that it will be under-water for the hit. This is where the water-bong properties come in.
ALTERNATIVE HITTING METHODS
Ok, so you don't like the feeling of it being pushed in to you. Or you rarely smoke with people because you are an unpopular dweeb, or you choose to. Or you fucked up in making it. Or you just wanna do something different, it's doesn't matter why, here are some other methods;
The "Arab Shiek" (for those who don't like the pushing in)
You fill the chambers with the smoke, and just suck on the tube. This works, but you need to leave the back (non-hit) carton untaped.
The "Double Diesel" (for the really adventurous)
You push both down at the same time. Better call two pizza places, cause you will define stoned. One of these, and you might get a case of two high, so be careful. He he he.
The "I Fucked Up" (for those who fucked up)
You dolt. Cut the hoses, and take regular water bong hits. Dumbass.
The "Unmotivated" (self-explanitory)
Roll a joint and smoke it.
Have fun with my invention, And let me know if it doesn't work for you. Remember, I didn't try it yet.