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Grow Your Own

by the Phixer

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Well, we all know what a great drug marijuana is. Nobody I know truly HATES it, which is more than I can say for any other intoxicant. Also, weed is cheaper on a per-buzz basis than just about any other euphoric known. BUT: That's not good enough for me. I want FREE weed. Sure I get more wasted on ten bucks worth of weed than ten bucks worth of Jack's, but I am a CHEAP motherfucker, and so are many of my buddies, and thus this file. Besides, if you grow more weed than you wish to smoke, then you can always set up your own little business in the parking lot of your local high-school...


Well, I don't think I need to tell you that you can't exactly grow doobage in your back yard, in between the corn and the potatoes. And, also, even if you DO manage to find an outdoor site to grow your future stash that is well-hidden enough, you must remember that marijuana is not exactly bred to our Canadian climate. We have a very short growing season up here for weed; frost kills marijuana. Also, weed that has been frozen or exposed to frost is harder than Hell on the lungs when smoked. So, for these reasons, most Canadian Joes grow their stuff indoors. A closet is a very popular place, because your stuff is relatively hidden from prying eyes there, but if you get searched, that is also the first place the cops will look. Basements are also good. If you have a basement that is undeveloped or only partially developed, you can build a whole fucking ROOM for growing weed in. Best to build a room that has no windows. You don't even need to get fancy and worry about building codes in this case; a big enclosure made of cardboard will do. What you will need to do to prepare the growing site is to (A) line the enclosure or closet with tin- foil, to increase light reflection. (B) Get a hold of several hundred watts of lighting, or better yet a few of those purple flourescent "Gro-lamps" you can buy in garden stores. (C) Get a cheap 24-hour lights timer: daily amount of light is important, as we shall see. (D) Make sure the enclosure, when the door or closet door is closed, is completely light-proof. This way you will not be given away: Growing weed is the only reason I can think of that there would be a bright lite shining in a closet. When you have done all this, you are ready to get on with the botanical part of growing weed.


Get about an ounce or so of your favorite kind of street grass. There should be a whole shitload of seeds in with the stuff. Pick them out (while smoking the LAST street-bought dope you will ever use). If you got a good deal, there may be 40-100 choice seeds in there. Now, you will need to use only fertile seeds, and you can pretty much be guaranteed that a lot of the seeds are duds. So how do you tell which ones are OK to plant? Well, there are a couple of ways to check:

(A) Seeds that are dark, shiny, unwrinkled and show no flaws (especially cracks!) are good candidates.

(B) A fertile seed, placed in water, will sink.

Any seed that is soft, pale, or has cracks, will not likely germinate.

OK, now you've got some seeds that are likely to yield plants, so first thing is to plant them. BUT, you can't just stick the seeds in the ground and expect them to grow! You are going to have to put a little more effort than that into it. First, get some of those little plastic plant pots that are used for when a plant is just starting out, as from (guess what!) a seed. A styrofoam cup will do. Use the same amount of pots as plants that you want to grow. Now, fill the pots with some INDOOR POTTING SOIL that you get from a garden shop. Leave a space of about 1/4" from the top rim. Lightly water the pots 1/2 day ahead of planting time with a little warm water. The soil should be MOIST, not WET. GENTLY push 3-4 seeds into the middle of the soil of each of the pots. A marijuana seed has one end slightly pointier than the other: insert the seeds POINTED END UP, no deeper than 1 inch. Cover the seeds with a little soil. Over each pot, stretch a small plastic bag with a slit in it (for ventilation) and remove it when sprouts FIRST appear.

Plants will begin to appear anywhere from 2 to 8 days after you plant the seeds.

Of the 3-4 seeds you planted, only 1 may sprout. If more than one grows, then, after 2 weeks, select the biggest one in the pot, and keep it. Snip its wimpy buddies off at the stem. DO NOT pull them out by the roots, as this will probably fuck up the one you want to keep.

Some points to note about seedlings:

-Only water them when the soil is dry. They don't like too much water.

-Keep the temperature between 70 degrees and 85 degrees, and don't let the temp. fluctuate. You will need warmer temps than this later.

-Never touch the plant with dirty hands.

-Don't give the seedlings more than 18 hours a day of light, or it will grow too tall to support itself. No less than 12, either.

-Let them get some decent ventilation.

-Do not add any fertilizers to the soil for the first 2 weeks.

OK, while your plants are still seedlings is a good time to get the soil ready. Each plant will require at least 2 gallons of soil. Fill each 2 gallon pot that you use half full with regular garden soil (should be sterilized: bake it in an oven at 225 for a half hour to kill fungi, weed seeds, etc.). Next, mix 3 quarts of sterilized soil or potting soil from your garden shoppe with 1 quart of peat moss or vermiculite or well-rotten compost, 1 tablespoon of lime or chalk powder, and 2 tablespoons of all-purpose plant food. Let this mixture age for awhile while your seedlings grow in their little pots.

Now, when the seedlings are 4 to 6 weeks old, or when the plants have at least 4 leaves each (whichever comes LAST), they are ready to transplant to the bigger pots. Dig a hole in the soil of the big pots (oh, by the way I assume you are growing indoors: If you are growing ouutdoors do not grow unless it is springtime and unlikely to get too shitty out), the hole being the same size as the little pots the seedlings are in. Now, cut a couple of slits right down either side of the little pots, so that they come apart, and transplant the plants, soil, and all into the bigger pots. Now, for the next couple of days, watch that the plants don't dry out. If the soil is dry, water them, and if it isn't but the plants seem to be drying out anyway then spray the leaves with water. It's a good chance if this is the case that the lights are too close to the plants: keep them at least 16" away. Around the 8th week after the seeds were first planted, add a fertilizer that is rich in nitrogen (the first figure in the 3-digit number on the box is nitrogen content).

Continue to give about 14-16 hours a day of light and keep the temerature around the plants at about 85 degrees. Remember, only water when the soil is dry.


Marijuana plants come in males and females like us. This is important to know because only females produce hashish, and because only females produce seeds. If you grow both, you can tell them apart: females grow *MUCH* bushier than males. What good are males then? Well, you need them to pollinate the females if you want seeds. But, be warned: if you pollinate female plants, they will not produce hash! Hashish is the sticky resin that is oozed from the flowers of the female plants when they have not been pollinated. WHAT YOU CAN DO, if, like me, you want it all, is keep the males flowers covered with little plastic bags just before they come into bloom. They will flower, and when they flower and blow their pollen, take off the bags and cover a couple of the female flowers with these bags. Seeds will be ready & ripe in about a month after the females are fertilized. The other flowers on the plant, unexposed to pollen, will not seed and will instead ooze that wonderful resin known as HASHISH.

You will be able to tell between the sexes after 10 weeks or so.


Around the 12th-16th week, apply a phosphorus rich (high-second-number) to the soil.

Around the 14th-20th week, sexes will be definitely identified. Resins will begin to accumulate, and the males will begin to flower. This is when you should apply a fertilizer rich in potassium (third number on the box)

After you have pollenated the females, or, if you don't pollinate, then after the males have blown their load of pollen, then you may harvest the males right away. Like, around the 20th-24th week or thereabouts.


Around the 24th week or so, there will be lots and lots of hash on the females; CAREFULLY scrape it off and store it. The females are now ready to harvest, and the seeds will be ripe. Pick off the seeds and store them in a cool dry place for next season.

Cut the plant off at the stalk. Weed has a very tough stalk, so you will need some garden snippers to do this. The seeds and resin removed from the plant, it is now ready to dry out (you can't smoke it while it still has moisture) To do this, hang it upside down in warm temperature (around 90 degrees or so) for about a week. If the leaves are not yet as dry as the weed you are used to, then let 'em dry longer. Now, take a pair of scissors and cut off the leaves and flowers separately. You should categorize the leaves as follows:

- Large leaves, near the bottom: low-mid quality buzz.

- Medium sized leaves, from the middle portions of the plant, mid-good buzz

- Small leaves, near the top: good buzz

- Tiny leaves, flowers and flower parts: high in resins and oils, top- quality buzz.

- Stems, stalks, and other "lumber": throw away, no drug content.

You may blend these as you like to get the exact amount of intoxication you want, or you can save the best stuff for holidays, birthdays, and other occasions.

Keep the weed you are not going to use in jars, and don't store it too long except if you use vacuum jars and keep it in a cool, dry, dark place. Do not freeze marijuana.


As many of you already know, the chemical that causes the hallucinogenic effect is called TETRAHYDROCANNABINOL or THC for short.

- Female leaves contain 25% more THC than male leaves

- Female flowers contain 3 times more THC than male flowers

- One good sized plant should yield about four ounces, which will last you for quite awhile.

- If you smoke weed, the results take effect in 5 to 15 minutes, but if you eat it, it will take half an hour to 2 hours before you get off.

- Your grass may contain 2-3 percent THC.

- Really good grass is 3-4 or even 5 percent THC!

- Flowers may contain up to ten percent THC.

- Hashish may contain 15-20 percent THC!!

- If your job requires random drug testing of employees, then you will need to know that after smoking, minute traces of THC will remain in your body for about 2 days.

- In a burning joint, the THC oils condense inside the joint as it burns. This means that on a buzz-per-weight basis, a roach is stronger than a whole joint.


I like to smoke it in a joint, rather than the bulky bongs and other shit you can use. I also like to smoke hashish in a little pipe (nearly every big city has at least ONE store with a good selection of these - there are at lest 2 in Victoria). These 2 smoking methods are highly portable, hence their high popularity and my high rating. I DO NOT like to hot-knife, as I have burnt my lip doing this, and I know a lot of guys who burn themselves A LOT and are permanently scarring themselves.

Good Tokin'!

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